I’ve had a lot of quiet today and have found myself quite reflective.

Is it okay to say that birthdays are really hard for me? I mean, I’m grateful for them….each one…as they number the years I’ve been blessed to live on purpose. But as I’ve sat in reflection today, heart heavy with process, it hit me that every single year (whether the circumstances were difficult or not) I’m sort of a jumbled up mess in my head and heart the day of and the day after my birthday; my whole being, “off” and unbalanced on each November seventeenth and eighteenth, sometimes nineteenth and twentieth…. Hmph. Of course, then I fall into the shame spiral for struggling with my birthday and not being able to access a blanket positivity regarding it. I mean, the gift of life……right?! Oh there it is, reliable ole authenticity…

It does make me wonder, though, if there is a specific purpose for this strange discomfort that accompanies my birthday.

*Post 959

To Make Easier? :: 11/18/17 :: Post 82

This chapter has brought experiences my way that I never thought about before. The appointments I’ve had, the procedures I’ve had done, the conversations I’ve participated in, the lessons I’ve learned….. and I will be able to write that again throughout this journey as there is more of this to come. So much unknown. So much to experience moment to moment.

Today it was acupuncture. What an interesting experience…. Listening to a practitioner discuss a therapeutic intervention that I have absolutely no context for, no expectations of, and no knowledge of…hearing words that make very little sense to me. Liver 7, Spleen 11, the nausea center of the body, energy pathways, cooling down the blood….huh? But, okay…I hear acupuncture really helps manage the side effects of chemo so I’m game to try anything considering how awful chemo has been.

Interesting this place I find myself – putting my trust in people or interventions that I know very little (if anything) about. And not having the desire or capacity to learn about them myself. …Because I’m just trying to survive.

So we talked, she got a history from me, I cried, she listened, she explained, I listened, I followed instructions, she stuck me with little needles, I laid there and let her…and then I was in the quiet. This quiet came with needles poking out of me, but it was nice and quiet all the same. It was relaxing. I shared that space with God.

And then I left. Feeling no different than when I went in. Which is kind of weird. All of my other appointments, procedures and conversations have come with feeling different as I leave then when I went in. The information changed a little each time with what was experienced each time. But today, that was different. Acupuncture doesn’t change my diagnosis. It doesn’t change my prognosis. It doesn’t change my need for chemo…or radiation. It doesn’t undo a double mastectomy. And I leave the office with the unknown of whether or not it will even make an impact…because the premise of acupuncture is that it’s on the inside…things I can’t see or feel or touch. So, I go back on Tuesday, the day after chemo for another treatment and then we head into the days of side-effects where we will see if it does anything. So. I wait. And hope that this strange science of needles being poked into energy pathways of my body will make a difference.

……..to make chemo easier? More tolerable? More bearable?

But chemo is supposed to be hard…

Even If Not :: 11/18/18 :: Post 431

There is so much unknown. So much can go the way I don’t want it to…and so much can go the way I do.

It’s hard to remain patient when the murkiness of the unknown remains murky.

Something that has run through my head over and over today…something that I am trying to be mindful of…something that is incredibly difficult to really wrap my head around –

….and even if not, He is still good….

Gratitude Month Day 18 :: 11/18/19 :: Post 794

Two years ago, I tried acupuncture for the first time. The hope was that it would minimize the side effects of chemo and as I was gearing up for round 3, I was willing to try just about anything. That said, it’s hard to know if it had any impact as each round was so different and so unexpectedly difficult. Nonetheless, I found the quietness of an acupuncture treatment welcomed.

A year ago, I wrote about the fact that God is still good even if circumstances aren’t. Turns out I had come to that realization early on in this journey but there have been many reminders along the way.

Today my heart is heavy with contemplation. Maybe it’s just the reality of getting to 40 and everything that that means. Maybe it’s because volleyball season is over and my time will look different. Maybe it’s because I now have a second driver in the house and when teenagers start to drive, time spent with them starts to change. Maybe it’s because the reality of RA is sinking in more and more each day.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing this Gratitude Month thing where I look back and reflect on where I’ve been and where I am now and what I’m grateful for in the story.

Gratitude Month Day 18 – I’m grateful I can sit in the quiet and listen to what if offers. I’m grateful I can hold God’s goodness even in the pain. And I’m grateful that I am here today to reflect on where I’ve been.