41. Oh how birthdays are a both+and for me…

I’ve been lonely on some birthdays… both sad to be alone and glad to be deeply loved by the special few. I’ve been lost on some birthdays… both unsure of where the heck to take my life and excited about the myriad of possibilities that only uncertainty allows. I’ve been pregnant and puking my guts out on some birthdays… both thrilled to be having a baby and desperate for the puking to stop. I’ve seen some monotonous same-as-every-day birthdays… both comfortable in the predictable and antsy for change. I’ve been bald and reconstructed and in chronic pain for some of my birthdays because of cancer… both traumatized by chemotherapy and grateful to be around to see another birthday come and go. Now I’m quarantined because of a pandemic on my birthday… thrilled to be “stuck at home” with my most favorite people but disappointed that many celebratory outings (including a birthday trip to NYC) have had to be cancelled. And what a metaphor – yes, some things can be rescheduled (thank God) but expectations simply have to be held loosely as it’s just not the same.

So I sit here today, considering all of the both+ands. Recognizing the difficulties that bring about such rich perspectives and holding them in the same hands with the beauty that comes with blessings.

*Post 958

38 :: 11/17/17 :: Post 81

What an emotional day.

I went to work and I’m so blessed to work with some of my most favorite people…such life they spoke to me today. I received such beautiful cards and gifts and encouraging words and texts…. And my friends and family sent such amazing words of encouragement and love through texts and facebook and it filled my heart with such gratitude for those God has woven into my story… And the gifts that were given to me today were incredibly thoughtful of who I am, the chapter I am in, the things I love – a true reflection of the amazing hearts of the people in my world…

And my nurses at my cancer center remembered it was my birthday and made me feel extra special today when I went in to get pre-chemo fluids and a blood level check. Amazing the bond I create with these women, Shanna and Angela, that have to administer chemo drugs to who-knows-how-many people a week. What a hard job. But they are beautiful women who I am so grateful for in the midst of one of the hardest chapters of my life…

And I went into public today (not just home and work) with my purple wig. It was so interesting to receive numerous compliments on my “hair”… This weird space to want to tell them it was a wig and yet also just wanting to say “thank you” and hold on to the sweetness of a complete stranger helping me feel beautiful in a season where beauty is a difficult concept. The feelings in my heart are so complex around this – to walk around “under’ fake hair, to almost enjoy wearing it, to have it turn people’s heads and for them to compliment me yet only I know it’s not actually my hair, to experience the tension of wanting to say why I have purple hair but also protecting myself by not…

I have gratitude for these things. For the smiles I smiled today. For the joy my heart felt. For the existence of today. For the ability to celebrate the start to a new year…even in the midst of the darkness of cancer. I got to live another day. I have been given the prognosis to survive through this and live many more. Gratitude.

I sit here writing, though, with tears streaming down my face. This was a hard birthday. So much has changed. So much is different. I am in survival mode. I have such limited capacity. My body is tired. My mind…tired. My heart…exhausted. Cancer is devastatingly life-altering.

39 :: 11/17/18 :: Post 430

39. What do you have in store?

Tonight at dinner with Chris, in the midst of talking about life stuff, he looked at me and said, “Happy birthday, love, I’m thankful we get to celebrate together this year, more than I’ve ever been thankful for anything.”

I cried.

Last year I had spent my birthday both bald and in my cancer infusion center coming back from a dreadfully scary low potassium level. I remember my chemo nurse Angela saying, “It’s your actual birthday today! Happy Birthday!” after she had me confirm my name and date of birth on the bag of medication she was hanging from my IV pole – a most redundant practice we had to do for every bag of anything they hooked me up to every time.

Reflecting on those memories tonight has me in an interesting place. I’m deeply grateful I’m here to ring in 39. I’m also mindful of the fiercest storm that has taken so much. I will live however much longer with scars, both physical and emotional. I will also live however much longer completely changed. For the better.

Happy Birthday to me.

40 :: 11/17/19 :: Post 793

Gratitude Month Day 17, it’s here — 40.

I remember a few years ago really dreading today. Dreading the big 4-0. Thinking how much I wasn’t going to be emotionally ready for another decade to be behind me. How I didn’t see aging as a good thing in the least. Today, though, I’m so grateful to be here…and how interesting that my perspective has 180-degree-changed. Today, I am grateful for all I’ve learned (and continue to learn) about true joy, true living, true fullness; about the value of undistracted relationships and living short; about the joy in the now and not living for the ‘then’ – a way-back-then or a when-I-get-there-then.

Grateful for what cancer is forcing me to learn. Grateful for what God is growing in me through this unbelievable hell.   

I remember a few weeks after diagnosis/surgery/pathology thinking, “great, I have to be bald for my birthday…” And despite the grief that I felt that day, I survived being bald for my birthday. And even more, I survived to see another birthday. And another.

And another…

…Today was so special. Balloons, flowers and thoughtful gifts…my husband and mom had all of my friends and family send me birthday cards…my family and I went on a selfie scavenger hunt around the neighborhood….Old Chicago for dinner…and bundt cakes and sugar cookies for dessert. Such treasured memories, for sure. I wrap up my day in beyond-stupid pain, sad that my Dad spent his day in the ER with my Mom by his side and I’m annoyingly exhausted. But with that, Gratitude Month Day 17 – I hold a deep thankfulness and joy as I begin a new decade.