I thought it would be authentic of me to answer my questions from yesterday for myself… So:

“What happens inside when I hear authenticity (even if it is hard to hear)?”
When I experience authenticity as a receiver, my first response is “oh thank God.” I get a tangible sense of relief that they are connecting with me this way. I feel a weight off my shoulders because then I feel both honored that they chose to be real and safe to return realness. (That has bitten me in the butt before but more on that in a sec). I also much appreciate that person’s willingness, I deeply value that person’s vulnerability and I highly esteem them for the emotional intelligence required of authenticity. And when their realness is hard, I hold empathy and bite my tongue of its ‘at least’s’ and ‘silver lining’s.’ How gracious of them to trust me with what hurts.

“What happens inside when I hear inauthenticity (even if it is easy to hear)?”
I get really sad. And I struggle to not take it personally (even though that means I’m making it about me)…(but honesty, right?). When I experience inauthenticity, I tend to put a protective layer around my own heart and while I regard them with worth and value (because that is inherent in each of us), I know where I stand with them. So, I’ll meet them where they are at, I’ll empathize and connect, but literally, I can only go as deep as they have chosen to go. And if the levels of depth are different (no matter the ‘why’), that, in and of itself is problematic. They may be incapable of it, they may be scared of it, they may unaware of it…nonetheless, a disconnect.

“What happens inside myself when I am authentic (even if it is hard)?”
I feel accurate. Honest and congruous with myself. I feel vulnerable and a slightly apprehensive, not always sure if my authenticity will be received. I am standing up for what I value by being real and I enjoy choosing the counter-cultural. There is a freedom of self and yet because authenticity is hard to find (in my opinion), being real comes with risk.

“What happens inside myself when I am inauthentic (even if it is easier)?
I feel discontent and off balance. I feel protected by the ‘easy’ and the surface and sometimes that’s a relief because vulnerability is hard. I don’t want to invest much more into whatever relationship is occurring that would elicit inauthenticity from me for whatever reason. I’m grieved because it feels like the real me is unaccepted or undervalued or missed entirely.

This is a tough subject I have found as I’ve answered my own questions. And there is something in my head about all of this that I think I’ll simply need more time processing —
     “A duty to. . .” vs. “A choice for. . .”

*Post 956

An Empty Quiet :: 11/15/17 :: Post 79

I have been sitting here in the quiet of the evening and while my mind is on so much, there is also not much on my mind. I am bouncing around from reflecting on the day, looking back through this journey and all that has transpired and thinking ahead to what is left to endure…..

I’m tired. It was a long day. It was a hard day. Work was difficult. Getting home from work was challenging as each kid experienced their own separate meltdown. The daily question of “what to eat” and only knowing through trial and error. Feeling so tired that I will be asleep shortly and disappointed that I don’t have the energy to write more.

Yet this is all a part of this experience. Sometimes in the quiet, there just isn’t meant to be much. And sometimes it’s good to just give in to the exhaustion.

Hard :: 11/15/18 :: Post 428

Cancer is hard. Like unbelievably hard. Like words don’t come close to really communicating the hard.

Gratitude Month Day 15 :: 11/15/19 :: Post 791

I’m far too tired and emotional to write much tonight. I’m incredibly proud of my kid and her volleyball team. What an amazing season it was and I am so grateful I got to be a part of it. My Caty has incredible character in addition to amazing talent and is such a joy to love as a mom and love as a coach. And I’m so blessed she *wanted* me in the gym with her. How stinkin’ lucky am I?!?

And I’ve also never coached a team that was as close and connected as these girls. I told them tonight that a trophy means a whole lot of nothing if everyone on a team can’t stand each other but if you end a season with the immense love of each other, trophy or not, those memories last forever. It truly was a special season.

Gratitude Month Day 15 – My sister in law and her family came to Caty’s game tonight and after the game she told me, “you looked so full of life and light tonight on that court…it was truly beautiful to see.” And I am thankful she chose to tell me that. With all that my family and I have battled, being told that was such sweet encouragement. And it is truly such a gift that my kid wants me there. Thank you, Caty, for inviting me in to this part of your world. I deeply treasure the gift that it is. I love you.