The both+and of ‘escape’ and ‘purpose.’ It’s a big one.

I love that I’m willing to live changed. I love thinking deeply and processing how the input I receive matters. I love intention followed by action and then learning from the reaction. I love that I see the world through a lens of ‘all feedback is relevant.’ I love being deliberate with my time and reminding myself that showing up for this 5 minutes is a valuable investment – both for now and for what it will show me about what is next. I love that I live short and not too far out in front of myself anymore. I love living on purpose.

And. . .

Sometimes, I purposefully choose to escape.

I am grateful that because I ‘pay attention,’ I know and feel the difference between a desperate escape and a purposeful one…because I’ve experienced them both. I am grateful that despite living a really difficult story, I choose to participate in it more than run away from it. And I am grateful that I have a deep capacity for both living on purpose and escaping on purpose.

Today, it’s been both. Deep meaningful conversations. Focused work and productivity. Active process. Chosen application. Motivated practice. And simultaneously, I’ve been so frustrated with my fog…my entire day and even writing this, has been so very challenging – sluggish physical function from head to toe, words stuck in brain-Siberia, my mind drifting off in the middle of a thought; constantly forgetting what I wanted to say in the literal middle of a sentence, emotions bursting forth out of nowhere, having to write and rewrite and write again, and messing up almost every word as I type it because the connection from brain to fingers is s t r u g g l i n g.

Now, just counting the moments until I can choose to free fall into the grace of purposeful escape.

*Post 950

Day Eleven :: 11/9/17 :: Post 73

Day 11 shouldn’t be hard….but it was. I was up all night nauseous and sick, crying, feeling dreadfully hopeless, overwhelmed by how bad this round has been, daunted by having to go to work but desperately wanting to feel up to going because I like it there, concerned because I don’t know what’s a big problem and what’s not….…And getting pretty tired of conventional medicine. Every medication has side effects that are often worse than the issues the medicines are supposed to be addressing. Sometimes, even, the side effects create issues that are counterproductive to the original issue therefore rendering them useless (so why bother?). Right now, with every issue I have faced, my doctor and nurses have prescribed me a new medication. And right now, with every issue I have faced, I have experienced the terrible side effects of every.single.one. I’m done. So, I called my doctor today and told the nurses that I am simply too chemically sensitive to continue to prescribe the next different medication and it was time to start looking at different kinds of interventions.

So next chemo round…we’re trying a couple different things. We are probably going to try fasting prior to, during and after chemo. And I’m also going to do acupuncture.

Please, Lord Jesus, let those work well in minimizing the side effects of chemo and the length of time those awful side effects last. Please, Lord Jesus, let those work so that I can literally survive the next 4 rounds of poison.

Gosh, once again I sit here and write and I hit a wall of such intense fatigue that I cannot keep going. I have to lay down and go to sleep…my body is screaming at me to do so. So I’m gonna listen. Even though I’m not “done” writing. ….there will be tomorrow. That, I have some hope for.

Highlight :: 11/9/18 :: Post 422

More volleyball today. More being incredibly impressed with my kid. Watching her and her amazing team was the highlight of my day and I’m so grateful I was able to go and cheer her on.

Tonight I lay here tired. Tired of a hurting body. Tired of this body suit. Tired of being tired. And that’s all I have in me for tonight. It was an emotional and exhausting week.

Gratitude Month Day 9 :: 11/9/19 :: Post 785

Yi. What a long day. Worked this morning and then had volleyball all day. And I was in terrible pain from the moment I moved from laying down to sitting up, feet on the floor.

But it was a good day.

Turns out I enjoy the people I work with…so work isn’t a downer. And my kid and our team played amazing today, winning important games to get to the State Tournament next weekend. What a joy to see such life and love in them in a sport that is just so incredibly fun.

Two years ago, I was in one of the darkest places of my life, desperate to be free from the poison of chemo. Last year I wrote something very similar to today…my kid and her team ended their season with an amazing game but I was hurting and wishing for relief, loathing the full body suit, tired and in pain from yet another surgery recovery.

It’s difficult to imagine that every day of the rest of my life could quite likely be managing pain and the exhaustion that chronic pain causes while trying to engage in fully living. But, Gratitude Month Day 9 – I’m grateful that despite feeling dreadful, I can most certainly feel FULL JOY.