Shenandoah is breathtaking.

And the rain that came, instead of being a disappointment, created this deep contrast of colors that could have only been achieved because of it. The bark of the trees blackened by moisture, the leaves boldly vibrant against the gray sky, the lack of a bright sun and the shadows that accompany it made the distant mountains seem so close.

Just as in life, while the view might change considerably by things out of our control, there are perfectly aligned details that create a view just for us, just for that season, just for that moment.

If we are willing to find it.

*Post 925

Distraction? Or Acceptance? :: 10/16/17 :: Post 49

I went to work today and it was so good for my soul. The people, the place, the work… It was a welcomed distraction from all that I am trudging through and BONUS, it was a productive day. While I was functioning at about 70% all day and was completely exhausted, I was able to reengage in a way that my heart needed.

My stomach either didn’t hurt or I was too preoccupied to feel it. My heartburn either didn’t exist or I was too sidetracked to notice it. And while my body ached and my throat and mouth hurt, I was too busy to let it stop me.

I survived my day. And it was good.

I was pretty discouraged before I got to work. I had a rough time getting through my shower and getting ready (I had to sit down in a chair because I was that weak). I needed Chris to drive me to work because I did not trust I could be behind a wheel of a car. I was so uncertain if it was even a good idea to go in. I was so unsure if I was going to make it through the day.

I mentioned my feelings to Chris as he drove me into the office and he so lovingly reminded me that my body is working really hard. How helpful it was to hear that. Oh yeah, my body IS working really hard right now…being exhausted is not because I am weak, it is because my body is fighting for its life. Riiiiiiight. I said that to myself over and over again throughout the day and I found it to be a comfort and gentle reminder to be good to myself in thought, word and deed.

I survived my day. And it was good.

It’s an interesting thing to say that work was a welcomed distraction when I felt every move in my body today. Hmmmm. I was completely aware of my current situation – of the fact that I am battling cancer – while also not feeling weighed down by it in every moment. So is that distraction? Or maybe it means that I am further along the journey to radical and full acceptance?

I survived my day. And it was good. And I will do it again tomorrow…

Every Bit :: 10/16/18 :: Post 398

I was sitting at my desk today and thought, “man, I feel tired today.” But I felt confused by that because I slept pretty well last night and I had had my morning latte…. so why was I feeling so lethargic?

And then I acknowledged that I am more than tired…. I am feeling every bit of the last year and a half.

E v e r y. B i t.

The difficult lack of routine routine. The daily adjustment of new normals. The sheer volume and variety of appointments. The vulnerability of surgeries. The in and out of work. The fact that life doesn’t stop for cancer. The constant navigation of new unknowns.

The depth of every experience.

E v e r y. B i t.

October 16 of 31 :: 10/16/19 :: Post 761

The cancer monster looms and rears its ugly head out of nowhere. 

I was talking to my kid after a long stinkin’ day and as we were talking, I looked down at my feet and noticed how swollen I was. And then I looked at my hands and noticed they were swollen, too. And then I moved all of my joints and felt the swelling everywhere. 

And in that instant, “oh no, where is the cancer now?”

…Swelling doesn’t actually indicate cancer. But through my goggles, it does. Same with bloody noses, headache pain, sore throats, toothaches, upset stomachs, skin breakouts…..

As soon as I thought that thought, tears filled my eyes and I felt the fear deep in my gut, I felt it in the tingling of my nose and I felt it in the lump in my throat. As the tears fell and I had to stop talking to my kid so I could gather myself, my heart heaved. My kid asked what was wrong… what do I tell her? A moment ago I was simply having a conversation and now, out of the blue, I’m crying. Do I say “Now that cancer has hit me once I’m paranoid that it’s all over my body”?? “Cancer has made a mess of my sanity and my swollen feet mean I might have cancer again”?? “I’m just being irrational and dramatic”?? “Cancer is everywhere. I can’t escape it”??

Turns out I could have said any one of those and I would have answered honestly. The monster’s claws are imbedded deeply in my head. And heart. And body. And that is hard. 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day sixteen – This. All of this. The cancer monster haunts.