Today came with a VIP tour of Liberty. My alma mater. It was both amazing and emotional as we walked the same steps that I walked over 20 years ago…some things were the same but so much was different.
Hmmmm. Like me.

Some buildings are simply long gone.
Some buildings were brand new and weren’t there years ago.
Some buildings looked the same on the outside but their insides were different.
Some buildings looked the same on the inside but their outsides were different.
Hmm. Like me.

The buildings that I shed so much blood, sweat and tears back in my heyday as a D1 volleyballer, the buildings I was most excited to see….were under construction and inaccessible.
Huh. THAT metaphor is not lost on me…..

Being there was both sweet nostalgia and a punch in the gut. A lovely walk down memory lane and an emotional upheaval. The memories were strong, albeit fuzzy by time. But time filled with a lot of rich life lived and life lived with no regret.

*Post 924

Day 6 :: 10/15/17 :: Post 48

Today was my worst day yet. Weird…day 6? Hmmm. I did NOT see it coming. I slept maybe 2 hours total last night, 3 if I’m lucky. And woke up to extreme nausea, heartburn and overall body weakness. I had to sit down in the middle of my shower just to get through it. I’ve been here all-day long. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I napped a little here and there, ate a little bit, had just enough energy for a foot detox with my momma, and a whole bunch of stir-crazy with no energy to do anything about it.

That waning and waxing of acceptance……..yeah, I’m waning today. I’ve cried throughout the day out of sheer exhaustion and frustration at the way my body is managing chemo. I have some friends who said it was super manageable… I don’t feel like it’s been all that manageable so far.

I’m supposed to go to work tomorrow… I had to text my boss and say that I was a big maybe because if tomorrow is anything like today, I wouldn’t even be able to get there. I wish this were easier. I wish my body tolerated this as best as someone could.

But no. I’m not that lucky. I’m gonna be the one that gets the raw end of the deal. Just like with pregnancy. And motion sickness. And a rough post-op where I was overdosed on antibiotics.

Yay me.

Oh the pity party tonight……… I know I won’t always feel this way but tonight, I’m cool with crying myself to sleep. Hopefully I get to stay asleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. Maybe. Because if I do work tomorrow (which I really want to do), I gotta get up and show up.

The Desert :: 10/15/18 :: Post 397

I wrote about the desert the other day….about the desert seasons….

Those seasons in life where it feels dry and I’m beyond parched.

Those seasons that feel endlessly torturous where relief is no where in sight.

Those seasons where the oasis is the figment of my desperate imagination.

Those seasons where survival sometimes feels like it’s impossible.

Those seasons that appear to have nothing in them.

That said, the desert seasons are not without something.

Persistence. Perseverance. Patience.

Finding relief in a figurative oasis because a literal one doesn’t exist.

Trusting the desert will come to an end. And if not, that survival will be possible in the desert

…..and learning to be grateful for each little drop of water.

October 15 of 31 :: 10/15/19 :: Post 760

I am so emotional tonight. But I’m not crying…it’s not that kind of emotional. I struggle when I hear people say, ‘don’t trust your emotions because they lie to you’ …I disagree. I think my emotions are purposeful, they tell me something, they provide relevant feedback.

We had a volleyball game at a gym where I started my coaching career back in 2005. It was so strange being back (I’m pretty sure I hadn’t been back there for at least 10 years). I felt all sorts of out-of-sorts as we drove down there and parked and walked in… Interestingly, though, I didn’t have a bad experience there…so why was I so funky? I wonder if I was nostalgic for simpler times…for pre-cancer, pre-parenting-teenagers, pre-the-hardest-time-of-my-life times. And maybe there is some bitterness coming from this space, too. Bitter that I’ve had to walk such a hard road. Additionally, I’m wrestling with feeling out of control because being a mom and being a coach and being a friend and walking through a LOT of memories tonight was all really hard to manage. So I’m pensive. I’m holding tightly to things that I have no business holding tightly to (because I cannot control them). And then, of course, now I’m annoyed with myself for feeling pensive. *eyeroll* And all the while feeling all of these feelings, I also thoroughly enjoyed laughing with an old friend tonight – a friend who holds a place in many of my significant life moments.

The conclusion I’m drawing – being able to call out my emotions helps me hone my emotional intelligence. Understanding what my heart is trying to tell me helps me better understand how to respond appropriately. And as I sit here tonight, wrapping up a very VERY long day, I am reminding myself that I actually do not need to hold onto things so tightly. And I am grateful that I have this practice of writing, because without it, I would have gone to bed tense and wound up.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day fifteen – We don’t need silver linings. We need empathy. Those are two very opposite things.