Day 2, a perplexing waiting game…a holding pattern wrought with anxiety…an eerie moment in time where I was yet sheltered from the storm that was brewing, the swirling deep below the surface and the rumbling high in the sky waiting to collide to wreak its havoc. I remember it well.
*Post 919
Day 2. And Wigs. :: 10/10/17 :: Post 43
Day 2 has been a very manageable day…. They said it would be – the docs, nurses, friends who’ve been through it… I’m glad I made the appointments I did for today because I was able to get through them with just a few minimal side effects and just enough energy. I was super flushed all day and hot, I had a headache and horrible heart burn and just felt foggy headed over all. I’m also glad I got my appointments out of the way today because they also said that the more unpleasant side effects will hit sometime day 3 and last for several days. So, I wait, yet again, to see how the rest of the week will play out. Yes, I.Wait.Some.More. You’d think with all the practice of waiting, I would get better at it…or it would feel easier. But no… it doesn’t. In some cases, practice doesn’t make perfect.
All that said, today was busy. I had physical therapy this morning and I am just so grateful I have the therapist I do. She is one that will have a lasting impact on my overall story. She worked through more of my massive scar tissue strands (and while it hurt like fiery hell) she softened them up and I have better range of motion now, which is wonderful. I am so incredibly sore to the touch and I feel tired from that, but she did wonders. And….she happened to be at her church this weekend and saw that Alternatives had put some new brochures in their bathroom so we got to talk about my work and I love what I do, so that was a nice distraction.
Then we had my wig appointment. Ugh. That was so difficult. It was a big appointment…to go in, go “shopping” for a wig and select several to “try on” to see which one will be the one. Hmmm. Even that sentence alone has some punch-you-in-the-gut implication to it. Add to that, all sales are final. Add to that…..I am going to be bald. I know I’ve written about this a lot, but this is a big deal and I am really struggling with this loss. I know it’s just hair and it’ll grow back and it’s just temporary….but it is SO hard when it’s ME. Look at our culture….it’s all curves and hair and makeup. Femininity and beauty is defined by these things. Does that mean I am defining myself by them, no, not necessarily, but there is some truth to it being EVERYWHERE and so therefore, everywhere I look is a not-so-gentle reminder and an emotional trigger that I will have to define beauty and femininity counter-culturally. And while that is possible, and I will most certainly do so (because I will not have a choice), being counter-cultural is no easy task.
Even in addition to those immensely difficult things, I also had to ask questions about how to take care of a bald scalp… this skin has never seen the light of day, has never been exposed, it’s going to be winter and hair is warm… my physical therapist mentioned today that if I don’t take care of my scalp right, it could break out. Are you EFFING serious? I have to worry about that, too? Please, God help me if I want to rock the bald and yet I have a break out. *triple eye roll*Stupid cancer.
So, I asked Hana, my sweet wig lady how the heck to take care of a bald scalp. What a conversation to have to have. Wildly hard. Beyond imaginably hard. And so massively unwanted. And yet, here I am. The inevitable is just 13 days away. We also talked today about eyebrows and eyelashes… and about wig maintenance… and about ways to feel confident in whatever I were to choose to wear for the day… and about the difference between the $350 wig and the $3000 one that I had narrowed my choice down to. There was so much to think about. So much to take into consideration. So much to make sense of in the midst of high emotions. Be practical? Be pragmatic? Be conservative? Or be extravagant? Be I-have-to-be-bald-so-I’ll-get-what-I-want? Be idealistic? SO hard. How do I make that decision……..when I sit in so much unknown? What will I want? Will I even want to wear wigs? Granted, I can always go back and get another one if I find I love wigs, but I just was lambasted with the unknowns. Again.
And I am really not loving that place anymore. Honestly. It’s futile to hate it, though, cuz there is so much more ahead….so I gotta get over that and stop holding so tightly to the thought that being in the unknown is bad. Embrace, Amber. Embrace. *eye roll*
Anyways, the wig stuff isn’t over yet. We then, after all of that, after the wig was chosen and a down payment was put on it to reserve it for me, had to schedule the appointment for me to return to have her shave my head (whatever is remaining at that point), teach me how to put the wig on and how to wash and brush it, teach me how to take care of my scalp, and talk eyebrows and eyelashes for real. What.DID.I.just.write. Yes, shaving my head. Going from long hair, to having some of it fall out in my hands, to having Hana shave the remainder off, to being bald. Ugh.
Here we are. We are here. Surreal… By Tuesday, October 24th at 5pm I will have no hair. Hm. Where do I put that tonight? What do I do with that reality? How do I feel about it all? I’m anxious. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m broken. I’m devastated. I’m grieving more loss (as if losing my boobs wasn’t hard enough). I’m uncertain. I also know I will rise. I am resilient. I am strong. I will define beauty differently than culture. I will not let cancer take my shine, my fire, my sass… It’s just gonna be quite the journey to get there.
What a day. What a tough day. And as I wind down my night, my fancy little Neulasta patch is now injecting my body with a medicine that will activate my bone marrow into overdrive to help rebuild my white blood cell count. Crazy.Cool.Invention. (I’m gonna post a picture of it…it’s pretty phenomenal technology). My nurse yesterday said, “Now, Amber, this little patch is 14K so take care of it. If you accidentally take it off, it becomes null and void…so don’t do that, k? Oh, and keep your cell phone away from it.” UH! What? 14K?? Holy heck! So…I sit here typing and I am watching it blink its little light at me telling me that it is doing its job and the little indicator line is telling me that ever so slowly (over a 45 minute time frame) the medicine is being given to me all automatically. Just crazy.
The things I know now. The respect I have for the medical community. The gratitude I have for medical advances.
Mind-blowing.
And tonight, I still wait. I wait for the next several days to come and go…where I will document everything to see how I will manage chemotherapy. And I wait for my hair to start falling out. And I wait for so.much.more. I’m tired. Sleep sounds nice and I will head there, soon. I hope to try my bed again tonight……….we’ll see.
Words :: 10/10/18 :: Post 392
There is so much swirling in my mind and heavy on my heart that I don’t know where to start. I can’t quite find the words.
I’m lost in memories of a year ago because I often find myself “far away” and contemplative about the dread I experienced through chemo.
I’m presently reminded that I still battle because I’m not feeling well and I had a pre-op appointment today with Nurse Sue for my next revision (with more bare naked pictures). Ugh.
I’m hopeful that we can soon settle into a new chapter colored by fresh perspective…and sooner rather than later. I’m antsy and ready but being challenged to wait and trust.
I’m tired.
October 10 of 31 :: 10/10/19 :: Post 755
There is an unmistakable quiet that comes with a snow storm…how lovely is the blanket of white that hushes the noise. Similarly, throughout this battle, I have found so much richness in the silence and it’s amazing what I’ve heard as I’ve sat in the stillness of time, allowing whatever cancer is here to teach me, to teach me.
Silence can be scary, the thoughts that fill the void can be overwhelming. They can also be exactly that which need to be heard, even if they are hard to hear.
I love the snow. So so much. How it slows everything down and how it invites the need for warmth and how it creates a quiet stillness.
…How lovely is the blanket of white that hushes the noise……
Breast Cancer Awareness Month…
…Day ten – Strength is in the tears, too.