UGH. I’ve felt totally off all day. A L L DAY. My body hurts. My stomach is upset. My mind is restless. My heart is agitated. My whole being, edgy. I’M SO BLAHHHHHHHHHHH.

I haven’t wanted to “be.” I haven’t wanted to “surrender all.” I haven’t wanted to “sit in the quiet.” Blech. None of that sounds great today. Funny how some days that feels like the safest place and other days, it feels like quite the opposite. (Hmmm, it’s probably on these days when the quiet feels the most dangerous that it is the most revealing…)

As I go back and reread that, getting ready to type more, I actually think it’s best to stop and engage in that space…risky as it is…

I did. I put the computer down. I sat in the stillness.

The bottom line – I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m confused. I’m uncomfortable. But…OHHHHH the shame in that. And then the guilt of the shame. Because…WHYYYYY? Why am I sad? I’m alive, right? Why am I lonely? I’m surrounded by people who love me… Why am I confused? All of this is purposeful, I know this. Why am I uncomfortable? I’ve never been more connected, present and aware!

I’m so struggling with anger yet I’d never choose to rewrite the story!?!?

I’m so struggling with discontent yet I’m grateful for who I am becoming?!?!

The desert is arbitrary and shapeless, feelings are vapor; tonight, I hurt. And I just can’t not.

*Post 900

Oh How I Wrestle with Acceptance :: 9/21/17 :: Post 22

This quiet today…. 

Clearly there is something to this “quiet” thing for me as I’ve written about it so many times. But hey, lately I have been sitting in it. A LOT. So I’ll go with it cuz that is where I am today. I’ve had plenty of quiet.

The quiet has something. And even if there is nothing, that is something. The quiet doesn’t have to be forced. It’s not fully passive but it’s also not so driven that I am doing “too much of the work.” I don’t even know if that makes any sense. I do know that the quiet comes and goes. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I don’t get it even if I want it because there are other things planned (like appointment #21 or #37 or #54)…and sometimes, even, the quiet is also in the chaos. 

What is in today…I’m sitting here with these words from a song playing over and over in my head. It’s not even a whole song. Just: “As your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me. For You are for us and not against us, Champion of heaven” and also: “so I will let you draw me out beyond the shore into your grace”. 

Interesting. Being that I have likened this whole season….no, this whole year….as a series of storms, I can’t believe there isn’t intended meaning in this phrase.

It is also interesting that the choice of words from the writer of the song says, “so I [the human] WILL LET You [God] draw me out…..” Hmmm. This implies there is an action to take. That there is a personal choice. 

But then there is this tension that I feel. This tension that I know the words are truth and I believe them and I know they are brought to my thoughts with purpose and meaning. But there is this part of me that sits here and resists. 

Or is it resistance? 

I don’t feel drawn to pick up the bible. I don’t feel drawn to these devotionals and prayer books that I have lying around. I just don’t……….. 

Am I mad at You? I don’t actually know…. I mean there are a few specific things that I think about that make me say, “Um, why me? Why now? Why cancer?” which makes me think that there is some anger…..or maybe disappointment….or possibly resentment in the design of this….. I do know I’ve had a few moments of “I’m so mad that You’re letting this happen,” but I don’t sit here and close You out…I don’t sit here and want nothing to do with You…. And I don’t believe that You gave me cancer. But You are allowing this to transpire and You haven’t pulled me straight up out of it….So, anger? I dunno. Maybe it’s more about confusion? 

But then I can sit here and say, “there are answers to these questions and I live them out every day.” Because I know that You are here. I know that You are battling for and with me. I FEEL it and I KNOW it and I SEE the evidence of it in literally every.single.day. There is NO doubt in my mind that we sit together in the quiet …and in the loud …and in the appointments …and in the unknown. I have not turned away from You nor have I decided You’re not in this. In fact, it’s the opposite. 

I am open every moment. “What is in [this]? What is designed for me? There is no way that I’ve closed You out if I’m constantly open….. There is a moment to moment, every breath I take, connection because I don’t sit down and go, “Okay. It’s 10:30am. It’s time to talk to You.” Or, “It’s 2pm and now I’ll see what You have for me.” It truly does feel like it is just as every breath happens with or without thinking about it, that You are in this. I don’t have to manufacture time or prayer or the daily download of You into my spirit. I don’t have to put my “faith hat” on and then take it off when I’m done. So yes, You are in this……..IN this.

All that said, I still feel a tension…I feel this space of I know [these words] or [this thought] or [this phrase] or [this text from a friend] or [this ______ ] is coming from You. But full “buy in” or full “acceptance” of the soothing nature of [those things] is where I also get a little stuck. Like…. If I actually believe [this] than it will make having cancer okay. 

I really don’t want to get to a point in my life where I say “having cancer is okay.”

Maybe that’s my tension. Maybe it’s still alllllll about that acceptance piece. If I accept that this is okay than I shouldn’t be sad anymore. I shouldn’t grieve anymore. I shouldn’t be upset anymore. I shouldn’t be scared anymore. I shouldn’t be confused anymore. I shouldn’t be uncomfortable as hell in my new normal because it is what it is. Maybe I feel like if I truly accept this than there will be an expectation that I live as if I don’t have it. That I will exude joy all of the time because I have the life of God in me. That because out of all of the cancers to have this is the best kind. That because of this type of cancer, it is easiest to battle. That because so many women have my type of cancer and they are all totally fine so I will be, too.

Yeah….that soooooooooooo isn’t working for me. That doesn’t honor the process to me. That doesn’t value the identity-forming that is happening in me (and every other cancer story out there) ……… I am NOT comfortable in this. I hate it. And I haven’t even started chemo. Or radiation. Or this long ass journey to the end of 5 years from now. 10 years from now. 30 years from now. Or when I get to look back on it. I am NOT ok with cancer. And I never want to be…. No matter if it’s the best or the easiest.

If that is acceptance…. EFFFFF that.

What I have wrapped my head around are the lessons that come. I am okay with the quiet and what You are showing me. I crave the quiet even though it’s not always “safe.” 

It’s maybe even crazy to say that I feel I am thriving in the moment-to-moment-walking-out-of-this and all that it is supposed to mean. Even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard??? WHAT? Whoa….that is just a mind-boggling odd juxtaposition. I HATE EVERY TORTUROUS MOMENT ….BUT I LOVE EVERY ENLIGHTENING MOMENT…???? Um, that’s confusing.

So I’m back to ‘what is acceptance?’??? 

Is it simply just an acknowledgement that it is happening whether I like it or not and the BEing in it? 

Is acceptance, faith?

Oh geez…here my brain goes again. So then what is faith? Faith, to me, is not spouting off bible verses for every occasion. Faith, to me, is not feeling everything is good all of the time even in the midst of trial and test. Faith, to me, is not clichés. Faith, to me, is not formulaic. 

Maybe I have it wrong… ?

Maybe God is using this to clarify my experience with and my expression of faith. Maybe God is using this to confirm for me what MY unique faith is and MY unique relationship is because I am the only me there is. Just like I have a specific and different relationship with each of my girls. Or anyone for that matter. No relationship in my world is the same….So maybe God is simply having us walk this as we walk this, and sit together in the quiet as we sit in the quiet, and breathe in and out with Him because He is even in that.

Maybe this is acceptance?

The quiet always brings something. 

The Cards are Being Dealt :: 9/21/17 :: Post 23

Tomorrow are my body scans. I will have a CT scan at 11:30 and a bone scan at 1. 

Please pray for clear scans. Pray the cancer hasn’t invaded other parts of my body. My anxieties are high.

It’s going to be a tough weekend of more waiting….. And then the cards will be laid out on the table on Monday at my follow up appointment.

On a related note, you army of people loving us so well with food, cleaning, clothing, paper products, love, encouragement, cards and prayers…………… thank you from the very bottom of my heart. My family is forever blessed in ways words fail to capture. Thank you. So much.

Constant :: 9/21/18 :: Post 373

My body has been in a constant state of recovery. 

I’m tired. 

It’s tired. 

And tonight, I’m sad. 

To Just Be :: 9/21/19 :: Post 736

A day trip in the mountains to go watch my kiddo play softball was just what my heart needed. Good conversation, good music, good food and God’s artistry filled me up and gave me some time to just be. And to just be with my best people.