I take it back…I want out of this crappy place. I hate being stuck in a body that doesn’t work like it used to. I hate that I have pain in every joint. I hate that I am simply in a shell that looks normal but is so far from it that even the memories are getting hard to access. 

I was coaching my daughter’s volleyball practice tonight and few words can truly describe the deep sadness I feel not getting to play with her. Oh how much fun we could have. I was good as a high school and college player…like really good…but I was actually my best volleyballer as an adult. And I was just getting started (volleyball is one of those games that can be played at an astoundingly high level way into your retirement years)… But then.Cancer.

Crazy enough, as good as I was, my kid is even better. And she has a little sister that could very well follow in her footsteps if she decides volleyball is one of her things. But I’ll have to miss out on playing with them, like really playing with them. 

Most days I can hold an acceptance of my story and practice purposefully navigating the opportunities in it. Most days I’m good with the duality of holding the most tragic with the most grace. Most days I can rest in the sovereignty of the goodness of God while in the pain. But today, I just want out. I hate it here. I hate that I can’t jump on the court and show my kid a thing or two about how kick-ass her momma was. I hate that I can’t get out on the court and have her show me up and teach me a thing or two to keep me humble. I hate that I can’t team up with her and bring our highest competition, together, and dominate. Cuz, we would. OH MAN, we would.

Cancer. You suck. 

*Post 894

One Week Ago Today… :: 9/15/17 :: Post 15

The strange places don’t stop. Every day there has been something different. Some new strange place that I haven’t yet been. I guess my counselor’s brain shouldn’t be too surprised by that… 

I woke up this morning crying. Waves of emotion just rolling over me and through me. I was in such pain. I had such awful nausea. I didn’t wake up from this bad dream….it’s all still my new reality. I still have drains. I still need help showering. I did manage to shave the bottom half of my legs unassisted….and I was spent. It was exhausting work (and it was only half of my legs…………..half). It felt strange to be so tired after such a daily routine kind of thing. And I’ll be honest, I got a little pissy that something so routine made me so tired. How am I supposed to get back to life if I cannot even shower and shave?

And then I remembered. A week ago today I was having a cancerous tumorous breast (and a poor innocent healthy bystander) removed from my body by way of a major surgery. Routine for my surgeons. Massively transformative for me. And there is no going back to the life that was. Weird.

I am missing the “was” today. I am missing the routine I had. I am feeling just good enough to feel almost normal and then I crash back to this new normal. The new cancer normal. And that’s a strange normal to wrap my head around. I’m 37…with cancer

…Really?

…Really?

It’s weird to think that the cancerous tumors and lymph nodes are out of my body….so I’m cancer-free…and yet I still have this long, awful, dreadful, immense road ahead of cancer killing treatments because I’m not actually officially cancer-free. I’m a survivor already. But I have a fight still to fight. And more surviving to do. 

I’ve had people say to me, “you are not cancer, cancer doesn’t define you.” While I agree…because I will NOT give cancer (or the devil for that matter) that power, there is something about it that is me. It has become a part of my identity. It will forever be woven into the fibers of my being, my physical body, the depths of my soul, the way I look at the world around me, the way I love people, the way I counsel, the way I see my children and my husband and my family and friends, the way I acknowledge truth and love and honesty and authenticity and encouragement and empathy and God. Cancer is interwoven into my being and changing me. Forever. And that is strange, too.

I also did something today that I don’t typically do. I decided to journal a few things just for myself. In a book. I don’t normally like to journal…(weird, I know). I do love to process things and think deeply about life. I love to find purpose and meaning and understanding. But I haven’t ever really been someone who likes to write it all out. I’ll tell Siri what I’m thinking before I pull out a journal and write. But today I wrote. With tired handwriting. Because my arms are tired. Because I had major surgery. A week ago. And those words that I wrote out will be cherished as they are just mine. They are intimate thoughts that only I want for me. In my quiet, I gave myself my own words. And it was pages and pages and pages of writing. Hmmm. Interesting.

I also spent some of my quiet today praying for a friend. I realized as I was praying that this was the first time in a while that I had actually talked to God. I know I’ve sat with Him. I know He has been here with me. I know I have asked him “What is today?” but in my quiet I have just listened. Today, though, praying out loud for my cherished friend, I was talking to God. It was an odd moment of awareness. 

I’ve felt a quietness today. It’s a different feeling than I’ve had. I wouldn’t call it a “peace”…I don’t really think I have that yet. I’m still not in full acceptance of this new normal. I still sit in disbelief often that this is the path I’m on. It’s so odd to talk about it so matter-of-factly and yet be so astonished that it’s my life. It’s really strange to feel all of the feelings I’m feeling and yet it’s like I’m walking alongside myself in it all. I’m still anxious for a big week next week with a lot of appointments and new information and unknown territory… But a quietness in my spirit exists that wasn’t there before. Not so sure what that means but just noticing it and acknowledging it’s there is probably preparatory for some rough roads ahead. 

And I have had a few people come visit…we laugh and cry and laugh and cry at the strange reality that I am now living. Every step every day. Every experience now looking through this new filter. Nothing looks the same. And it’s strange because just a month ago, none of this was.

Again, A Reminder :: 9/15/18 :: Post 366

Even the hardest things are only temporary. 

In the midst of the hard, when things feel never-ending-torturous, I need to remember there will be an end. 

The period from hell has let up. Thank God. 

The stress of the house has lightened somewhat. 

The rest for the weary has increased little by little. 

I can do anything for 5 minutes.

One of the few days missed…8/15/19

There are only a handful… I wonder what I was thinking on this day last year?