Emotional intelligence has a lot to do with the conversations we have on the inside, those dialogues that no one hears but are profoundly loud. Our head, our heart, our gut, our soul. Our logic and our emotion. . .each participating in vital ways. What I’d like to offer today is a perspective about the “tone” of those conversations and internal negotiations as it directly correlates with our growth of emotional intelligence. 

First, I want to point out a few specific words I just used: “Profound” … “Participating” … “Vital” … “Tone” … “Growth” … I chose each of those words intentionally to aptly describe today’s discussion. Simply keep that in mind. Next, I’m going to give credit where credit is due. I’ve often thought about the value of internal conversations, I’ve experienced it in many settings in my life, I’ve talked about it before, but there was this one day at volleyball practice back in October of this year where the head coach of our team brought something to read to the girls at practice. It was an email he’d received from Shay, a coach who owns uponlycoaching.com. She articulated this concept as it relates to athletes in such an insightful way, offering me some new nuance for my own daily practice both personally and professionally (I’ll be sure to mention Shay specifically to credit her). Thank you, Shay. Lastly, I believe this concept is so very transformative if truly practiced. One doesn’t have to be an athlete to ‘get it’ and I trust you will be able to relate it to your own life so that it can positively create change for you and your emotional health.

Good vs. Productive – The Difference Matters

Here’s the bottom line – what we hear from ourselves about ourselves is either productive or destructive. (The word ‘productive’ came from Shay’s email.) This, in and of itself is a very simple concept; the practice of it, however, not so much. We often hear, “Say good things to yourself,” or “Be good to yourself,” and I completely agree. But “good” and “productive” are two different things. Related, yes. But as intentional actions, different. 

When we are “good” to ourselves, we are patting ourselves on the back for when we recognize we are worthy of a reward. But this is somewhat problematic because the opposite of good is bad and we allllll tooooooo often focus on where we go wrong and what we do badly. Also, it requires us to deem ourselves worthy which has some significant complexities tied to how we’ve externally experienced worth. Of course, these are reasons *why* we are constantly reminded to be GOOD to ourselves and this is very important as a life practice. It is also too dualistic and needs more.

Hence, the concept of ‘productive.’ Shay helped me by using that word in her email to describe the quality (aka tone) of our inner conversations. If what we are saying to ourselves has a priority of productivity, it changes our role from Judge to Partner. It essentially levels the playing field of our inner relationships which is a far healthier place than the alternative. And healthy inner relationships lend to healthy inner conversations and healthy inner conversations lend to healthier external behaviors. Win-Win. (Not to mention, growth in our emotional intelligence as a powerful byproduct.)

So, What Does Productivity Look Like?

“Ugh, I suck at cooking. Every time I make something, it flops.” – Unproductive (and not good!)
“When I cook next time, how can I make it less complicated? Pre-measure ingredients? Read the instructions 2 times through before starting? Start with a less complex recipe?” – Productive, reasonable, and doable.

“I am terrible at making friends. What is wrong with me!?” – Unproductive (and not good!)
“I have a lot to offer in a friendship so how can I share those things with another person? All I want is one person’s name by the time I leave. I can do that.” OR “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by social interactions, what could I do to keep things simple in the overwhelm? I’m good at observing, so I’ll observe for a bit and then go say hi as my intuition leads. My goal is to have one name by the time I leave.” – Productive, accurate, and achievable, but also stretching in a good way.

“I am awful at interviews. Should I even bother going!?” – Unproductive (and not good!)
“It is reasonable to be anxious about this interview. How can I be as prepared as possible to help ease some of the anxiety? I’ll look through their website thoroughly. I’ll review some standard interview questions and practice what my answers would be. Why would I like this job?” – Productive, helpful, actionable, and confidence-building as a bonus!

“I feel so discontent in my life. I’m such an ungrateful loser. Shame on me.” – Unproductive (and not good!)
“I feel so discontent in my life. Discontent doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful, it can simply mean I need change. How can I create small change? What small steps can I make today that make a bigger change feasible? This feeling is an acceptable feeling and can coexist with hope that change will be possible. I’ll try again tomorrow.” – Productive, genuine, and validating, but also focusing on what is controllable. 

If you notice, the unproductive statements are just that – an unproductive statement. An unhelpful declaration. A dead-end. In contrast, the productive exchanges not only create a realistic question with room for a helpful answer/helpful options, you are also creating a safe place for your own insides to engage healthily and grow in emotional intelligence. New narratives get to emerge, a depth of self-awareness develops, and these inner conversations cultivate a bold self-acceptance. Again – Win-Win-Win-Win-WIN.

Try It For Yourself

My encouragement would be that you try it for yourself. Listen to the way you engage on the inside and listen specifically through that filter of “is this productive?” And don’t let the harmful, unproductive thought come to mind of, “Ugh, I am so bad at this!” Rather, “This productive thinking is challenging but worth the practice.” See what I did there? 😉 I’d love to offer my help as you put this into practice, so be sure to comment below or feel free to email me. I’m, by no means an expert at this, but I intentionally work at it and would so benefit from learning with you, too!

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