Excuses Explanations & Egos
Getting Back On Topic
Okay, so getting back to our topic from a couple of weeks ago, let’s consider what determines each the excuse and the explanation. I think it’s one thing to understand they are different, it’s another to know some root issues that can cause the confusion, it’s another another to be able to tell them apart (which is today’s point), and ultimately, it’s all about the ability to make necessary changes to live life less out of excuse and more with intentionality (I’ll wrap up this topic next week with that).
So, how do we tell them apart?
To state it simply and frankly – Excuses protect an ill-managed, arrogant ego by deflecting responsibility and playing the blame game. Conversely, explanations start from a healthy sense of ego, a confidence without an arrogance, an openness to all feedback’s relevance and an ability to own personal responsibility (even when it’s uncomfortable).
A few examples from my own experience to help illustrate my point:
Parenting
My first example is about me as a parent. To be truthful, I have wrestled with my kids being a direct reflection of whether or not I’m a good mom (this is hard to admit but I’m hoping it’s relatable) and in doing so, I have caught myself making many excuses over the years. I had this iron fist that was generated out of a fear of judgement from others which would dictate my discipline. I’d leave no room for error because of course, error equals failure. The moment my kids misbehaved, it was because they didn’t listen to me, it was because they were choosing not to show off my quality mom-ing, it was because they weren’t holding up their end of the deal. They were just being brats and deliberately disobeying my orders cuz they were bad kids or they were replaced by aliens because my kids would never disappoint me like that. (Yes, you can insert your eye rolls here…) How unfair. How stifling. How unrealistic. How very sad.
And how reflective of my mismanaged ego. My finger-pointing. My unwillingness to take personal responsibility. Turns out, it doesn’t matter how tiny or tall, my kids are separate humans…their life’s purpose is not to show off my quality parenting. And gratefully, thanks to cancer (one of the few times you’ll hear me say that), my mindset has changed accordingly. We’ve all made some significant strides in repairing broken relationship from that ‘old Amber’ nonsense and now it is far easier to understand and learn in the rough moments—on ALL sides—because we work intentionally to seek explanations from a place of emotional intelligence rather than settle for selfish excuses.
Coaching
My next example – coaching. Coaches can tend to take whatever is happening with their teams personally. They assume their athletes’ worlds revolve around them. They feel their athletes wake up in the morning only thinking about Coach, their sport, and how they are going to play for them later that day. They believe when their athletes make errors they are doing it just to piss Coach off and ruin their day. Guys – sadly, out of the 14(ish) coaches I played for and the 12(ish) coaches I’ve coached with, the large majority. . .they coached like this. Coaches that, when we lost, it was all our fault because we were just that bad of a team but when we won, Coach got the lion’s share of the glory because they were just that good of a coach; Coaches that, when we were doing well, they were invested and cheering and giving useful feedback but when we were struggling, they washed their hands of us and disengaged from any further embarrassment we brought them.
Ew. Tragic. And talk about the plethora of ego-protecting-finger-pointing excuses spewing from their pores. As a coach, I won’t lie, it can feel very tempting to behave this way (because it’s ‘easy’ and ‘effortless’). But, NO! I do not allow myself to give in. I work diligently and intentionally to never coach this way. As a team we win. As a team we lose. As a team we never give up on each other (coaches included) even if we’re losing 2-24. And most of all, and this goes for all coaches (and parents and bosses and people with power) out there, my athletes are not on my team to get me my next coaching promotion.
Job-ing
My final example – Company turnover. This hits on a very personal level for me and the differentiation between excuses and explanations ring loudly with it. Question – when you pull back and observe your workplace, why do people leave a job, their role, the company? Is it a systemic issue with leadership? Is it the emotional maturity of its employees? Are these decisions based on poor excuses or on clear explanations?
I’m gonna tell a story next week that brings this example and the whole excuses/explanations topic over the finish line. It will also give you two tangible actions you can take to live life less out of excuse and more with intentionality. Stay tuned!
My Final Thoughts
Take a sec to think about your own experience. Think of scenarios where you’ve created excuses to protect your ego and where you’ve utilized explanations to provide clarity. Consider those you’ve interacted with in your story and as objectively as you can, can you recognize when they had excuses and explanations confused? Taking time to learn the difference is only going to serve to benefit you and those you receive from and interact with and offer to. And, also by doing so, next week’s post will likely have a deeper connection and a greater impact on the story you have left to write.