“You’re All Good Now, Yes?”
I’ll get back to the conversation about excuses and explanations next week but this week, I’m going to address something that popped up and caused me to participate in an interesting process.
The Exchange
A couple of days ago, I was engaged an interaction where I was introducing myself and sharing a little bit about my story. There was a point in the exchange that it was fitting and appropriate to mention my breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment and survivorship. And the person who I was sharing this with responded with, “Oh, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. But [looking me over seeing my man-made curves and my hair and eyebrows and the pink in my cheeks] you’re all good now, yes?”
Now, as always, whenever I write about what someone else says, my intent is to create a habit of ‘pause’ before talking – this is a healthy human boundary to learn and it is a legitimate request that I make. It is not to make people scared to talk – that is an unhealthy response to my request. Please do recognize the significant difference between the two.
The Response
So, this person’s comment: It didn’t get me upset that they said it, I’m going to assume the best and assume this person was attempting a kind reply because it is a tough thing to encounter. . . It did however create a discomfort. A discomfort for me because I never really know how to put into words a response to this all-too-common comment. And a discomfort for them because I don’t just say, “Yup! All better.” Instead, it goes something like this, “Um, no. That’s not really how it works. Cancer is chronic even though there is no evidence of current disease after my treatment ended, and as it turns out, survivorship is very very difficult” (or something to that effect and TBH, probably a lot less articulate in real-time).
The Process
This interaction stuck with me and on my long drive home, I got to thinking. I speak all of the time about the value of authenticity. And I strive to be authentic always. And I also notice how rare it feels to have others engage authentically with me. My conclusion – authenticity is hard. My question – why?
My answer (or at least the beginning of the process towards an answer): In general, the collective ‘we’ assumes the long story based on the short moment. Which means we write the totality of the story inaccurately. For example, if I say I’m good, then I must be “all better,” right?! “For forever!” And vice versa – if I happen to say I’m bad, my numbered days just went into the single digits. We are such extreme beings. Black or white. Either/Or. This or that. And when we live here, we then leave no room for change; we get this stinging rubber-band-snap, this whiplash, when someone we thought was one way isn’t that same way later that day, or week, or month. We don’t adjust well to that because we’d already written the whole of their story.
The Theory
My theory on why we do this – We turn someone’s ‘moment’ into ‘forever’ because then it becomes predictable and when things are predictable, they are comfortable and, well, we humans don’t tend to like discomfort. Additionally, the unpredictable requires emotional intelligence and adaptability, both of which aren’t necessarily intrinsic, both of which demand an enormous amount of effort to learn (yet another thing humans don’t tend to like). Therefore, authenticity is a major challenge because to be authentic and to receive someone else’s authenticity means to be okay with change, to be okay with unpredictability, to be okay with discomfort and lack of control, to be okay not knowing the ‘end’ of any story. To be authentic and to receive someone else’s authenticity means to be emotionally intelligent and adaptable. To be authentic and to receive someone else’s authenticity means a mutual ability for all of the above! It’s no wonder we all overthink how to present ourselves in any given moment. . . ??!?
The Crux
To sum it all up (for now anyways cuz I feel like there is a lot more to this process and this is just the beginning) – Let’s learn to leave space for authentic expression because in and of itself, authenticity is rooted in the raw response/reaction/experience of the unknown becoming known. Let’s not rush to write the totality of the story because we feel better in the comfort of predictability. And let’s put in the effort to have EQ and empathy and the ‘pause.’
More on this to come. I’m certain of it.