“If I knew then what I know now. . . “
There are times in my life where I would not go back for a re-do even if for a million bucks. Nope. I’m totally content with those times living only in memories, most of which I get to recall when I want, and the lessons, no matter how difficult, can just be life tools in my wisdom toolbelt. But there are other times where I’d absolutely go back in a heartbeat and do them all differently if I could. Yup. Not feeling the least bit guilty at all to completely delete the experiences, and the lessons that came with them, and just type right on over them with all different, hindsight-illuminated experiences and lessons.
Can you relate? Or maybe you think this is weak-minded and lacking faith in “everything happens for a reason.” Personally, I feel like we are pressured to have to make sense of everything that happens. To excuse the things that go wrong with “I am who I am because of ___________.” But, what about the real experience of grieving that which is lost due to not knowing what you had at the time?? Cuz it’s STILL SAD. What about the real experience of anger when, while you know you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, you desperately want a do-over because you know better now?? Cuz it’s STILL BAD.
Hindsight and the wish for a do-over may be one of the most confusing experiences of being human. Of course, logic will undoubtedly win over what-if-wishing 100% of the time making hindsight irrelevant, and even torturous, yet, it still exists. Why do we have this capability if it pretty much only causes confusion and frustration? (I’m not asking for answers here, it’s rhetorical). Do we do ourselves a disservice when we try and justify the sh&% of life with the clichés and the platitudes and the rationalizations? Or do we do ourselves a disservice when we authentically cry? Scream? Rage? Wish?
I’m struggling to reconcile this today. I want a few do-overs. I want to go back and rewrite some of the story. In one particular situation in this whole cancer tragedy, the excruciating pain I am wholly in today exists only because of a slight timeline hiccup. One thing occurring (seemingly by chance) before another. And here I sit, 4 years later, in the midst of a whole new, unforeseen, wretched storm, because of happenstance. Or so it seems. And EVEN IF the timing of things didn’t go any differently, I would absolutely go back and choose something different anyways because that decision has also colored every.single.minute. of every.single.day. since…and not in a good way. That’s the kicker – my reality today, because of not knowing enough then, comes with a long list of other tragic and massive losses that I am now forced to live without. So, a re-do? Yes please, as I’m certain that story would be significantly better.
It is a very bold statement for some guy named Mark Batterson to say, “You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.” That holds a weight that can sometimes feel paralyzing. And when faced with a decision, knowing full well that everything that unfolds is connected, knowing that (because we have the capacity for hindsight) even when you do show up and do your best, it’s sometimes not good enough…….UGH. I guess my point today is to simply be authentic in my real frustration. In my real grief. In my real anger. In my real confusion. In my real desperation to wish it different. And to not play into the pressure of making it all make sense. (PS. It’s possible to make things matter without having to make them make sense.) Anyways, cancer continues to teach me the value and practice of authenticity. . .
Cancer teaches me something else, too….that it won’t always feel this way. Tomorrow…or the next day…or sometime next week will feel different. So, despite my frustration of having to show up and do my best, making life-altering decisions with the infuriatingly little bit of information I have, with no benefit from hindsight, I will. And God-willing I’ll wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
Beautifully written and it makes sense.
💛
“ Hindsight and the wish for a do-over may be one of the most confusing experiences of being human “
Dear Amber,
I wish to share with you some of my life experiences in the light of your above remarks , which may resemble those of some Jurassic Park inhabitants !
My birth( 1940) was in a town, on the bank of river Godavary, in the State of Andhra, India. Up to 4th class [7yrs age], I studied at home using Kerosene lamps as there was no electricity in the town. Started attending school only from 5th class—in Telugu [ my mother tongue] medium, learned English alphabet only in my 6th class. Cooking was with fire-wood and kerosene stove as there was no cooking gas- an elaborate process. No electric appliances like grinders, refrigerator, fans, washing machines – [electric lamps came in my 8th year]. All the work was manual, keeping us fit. No elevated commodes, kitchen platforms or dining table- sitting and working on floor strengthened our ankle, knee and back joints and muscles . Always freshly cooked food from fresh vegetables from street vendors- as there were no cold-storages or refrigerators. No chemical fertilizers or pesticides or preservatives or refined food -products. Strict adherence to timings of food-intake with no snacks, chips, soft-drinks or chocolates. No pocket-money given.
All our health problems were attended to by our “family Doctor”- a small dispensary with minimum equipment- no lab tests with simple medicines for most of the normal cases. Dental and body hygiene, washing of feet, hands
using herbal and natural products, religiously followed.
Never heard of Gym or Fitness centres—playing vigorous out-door games in the street or in school playground daily.[ No computer, mobile phone games, chats]. Strict timings of getting-up in the morning and sleep- no T.V.
Used bicycle for going to college or market- purchased my first motorbike only at the age of 24, and car at 35, while earning from my job.
Results of this life-style:
.—Most of my generation have never visited any Orthopedic Doctor , even at 70 years age !
—High level of immunity for normal diseases and fast recovery even when sick.
—Even though we started our education late and mostly in non-English medium till high school, most of my classmates reached high positions in Academics, Medicine, Engineering and Administration. More than 30% of my batch-mates in Engineering are now settled in U.S.A. as successful citizens with their families . My only brother has emigrated to Canada 50 years back, working as Professor in a top University, married a French-Canadian girl and now has 5 grand children to keep company in Montreal!
— Even my career as Manager in Steel Industry , as Professor in University , Research and authorship and recovery to reasonable quality of life even with cancer 15 years back[ being metastatic since 5 years], could be due to my past pre-historic life-style !
Present Generations:
My daughter [ 46] leads a very busy life—even though living in the same house[ in a different floor], we have to communicate with her mostly on mobile phone or Whatsapp. She drives their two cars and manages the family-needs, health as well as our old-age requirements . She and her husband take care of all financial matters, property maintenance—in addition to grooming their twin daughters[16] for careers in profession as well as in Lawn-Tennis. Both me and my wife[77] are amazed at her capacity to do all this !
My twin grand daughters[16]:
Typical teens [ not much different from their U.S. cousins ], out-going, fully familiar with the latest gadgets, enjoying their top–ranks in Tennis in the State as well as in Academics, busy from 6 am till 8 pm – gym, fitness, studies[online now], chats with friends—hardly time for any help to family! Wearing glasses from the age of 4, dresses typically non-orthodox Indian!
Dear Amber, all these have origin from my early upbringing- have definitely influenced to reasonable extent my further generations , in spite of the fast changes in the global environment and life-style.
Hope you will have time and patience to read and ponder over these aspects- which have been influencing me as cancer survivor.
Blessings
Ramana
Ramana, your story is incredible. Thank you for sharing and it absolutely offers wonderful perspective.
I fully believe that each element in a story is there on purpose…sometimes I wish I could rewrite parts of it and while that’s futile and even wasteful of my energy, my humanness still wishes it was possible. There comes a point (sometimes quickly, other times not so quickly) where reality overcomes denial and I accept my reality and make it matter…. But the draw to wish for the do-over in some parts of the story nonetheless exists.
Hindsight can be both a wonderful walk down Memory Lane (even if the memories are tough) and a reflection of What Could Have Been. Hence why it’s so confusing.
As always, thank you for your active participation in life, in human connection and in story.