Yesterday in 2018:

11-9-5 

My junior drove her freshman sister to their first day of school and my fifth grader didn’t even look back as she walked into her last year of elementary school. 

This was hard. 

Today might be the hardest of the hard in watching my girls drive away but I can’t imagine it getting much easier….. 

And there is so much more in my head but I’m tired and need to go to bed. 

This Day in 2018:

Anxiety.

I’m finding myself to be more anxious about this upcoming surgery than I expected. Even though by comparison (physically), it’s supposed to be easier. 

I’m not sure if it was the 12 page consent that went over everything that could go wrong…..

Or if it was the pre-surgery appointment where my nurse told me “you’ll feel and look like you’ve been hit by a semi”… (and yes, an interesting choice of words…..)

It might be that I’m weary of anticipating what’s next, not knowing much about how to mentallly and emotionally prepare. The only known is the unknown……

I suppose it t could be that I’ll have to be absent from work. Again. And the transition in and out of work has been incredibly challenging….

Not to mention another recovery from general anesthesia. And having to use a new cleanser because I’m allergic to the normal one they use but not knowing how I’ll respond to that one. Please no more fire rash….

Of course it also means more physical therapy and man, is that excruciating….

I’m also guessing it has to do with the fact that recovering from surgery comes with strict restrictions if I want the best result and healing, yet not being able to do a whole lot is getting old. And I’m tired of being tired….

The fact that nothing is guaranteed and semis, both literal and figurative, can and will blow through my life is a not-so-gentle reminder of the very very realness of the unknown. And the necessity of faith…

I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised about the anxiety. And soon a part of what is unknown will be known. Until then, I’ll acknowledge my heart and be kind to myself. 

Yesterday in 2019:

EMDR

I started EMDR today. 

And it confirmed what I already knew: My brain and my body have so much trauma locked in. 

It is going to be a difficult, long and very intense road…..

This Day in 2019:

The Night Before the Mammogram.

My heart is so heavy. I feel very sad.

Anniversaries so obviously have great impact on us – both good and bad and whether we know it or not – and everything between those poles. 

August is a big month for me, there is a lot to feel and a lot to process and a lot to acknowledge…and therein lies the crux – do I choose to remember? Do I choose to reconnect? 

Because, really, forgetting would be easier. 

But by choosing to do so, I am reminded of all that this story has to offer. By choosing to do so, I honor the story and the depth to which I have chosen to reach. By choosing to do so, I continue to learn what this story has for me and how I will choose to live.

Two years ago tonight, I went to bed feeling for the mass…hoping it was magically gone because then I wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning and go to my mammogram and ultrasound appointment. The unknown of what that was going to be like because I’d never experienced that before was a scary one. Would they know something already? Would they tell me even if they did? Who was I going to meet? Were they going to be kind? Were they going to have any idea how anxious I really was? Were they going to be able to read it on my face? Were they going to be so experienced at what they do that they would automatically know once they saw me?

I didn’t sleep well that night. And every time I moved, I’d check to see if it was still there, pleading with God that He would magically reach down and take it out, hoping every time that I would get to tell that story, and yet, feeling it…that damn mass…every time.

The literal experience may be distant, but the memories are sharp. And cut like a knife.