Chronic. Persistent. Long-lasting. Perpetual. Stubborn. Insistent. Unrelenting. Constant. Incessant. Such is the pain and loss, literal and figurative, of cancer. Surviving comes at a high price. #thisissurvivorship.
Chronic. Persistent. Long-lasting. Perpetual. Stubborn. Insistent. Unrelenting. Constant. Incessant. To not let it overtake me, I must, in these ways, reciprocate with purpose and perspective, gratitude and grace. #thistooissurvivorship
This Day in 2018:
Magnificent resilience. Beautiful power. Immense gratitude.
What a day.
It was a big day at work with A LOT in it…lots to learn, lots to teach, lots to process. Difficult clients who shared only small portions of their difficult stories…
Then off to a pre-surgery appointment with my plastic surgeon’s office where I got to take more fully naked full body front-back-and-every-angle pictures. More affirmation that the fat on my naked body will be the perfect fat to recreate breasts barbarically removed because of a disease that is unfair and cruel and destructive.
Next was the second Happy Hour (at this darling little wine bar and bistro) with a group of women who were brought together because we share this unfair, cruel, destructive disease.
I’ve written much about the ‘in-between’…the tensions I recognize…the strange place I sit of holding vast extremes in the same hand. Anger-Gratitude. Confusion-Acceptance. Doubt-Faith. Sorrow-Joy. Wishing I were dead-Desperate to stay alive. Lonely-Loved. Ugly-Beautiful. Weak-Strong.
Tonight, while feeling white-hot fury at cancer, I also feel immensely grateful for this group of women. We are raw. We are real. We are authentic. We share pictures of our broken bodies. We share tears. We share language that only we understand. We share vulnerabilities. We share laughter at the insanity of it all. One of the ladies tonight just had treatment today. Another one of the ladies just had her double mastectomy 2 weeks ago and still has drains in. Another one had her pre-surgery appointment yesterday for her DIEP Flap Reconstruction. One is 4 years post-treatment. One is 4 weeks post hysterectomy. I had a pre-surgery appointment today for yet another surgery. One new friend told a tragic love story that ended in devastating pain. One new friend shared how her husband is hurting. One shared how her daughters are sad and scared because Mom has cancer and they don’t understand. One shared that even now, so many years out, everything has her paranoid and cancer follows her every day. One shared that she recently quit her job and is wondering what is next for her. Body image struggles, tears at how we look bald, accepting that none of us have any feeling left in our breasts, sharing how sex is nothing like it used to be and that finding our way back to femininity and sexuality and intimacy and relationships is a complete mess, understanding the intensity of the vulnerabilities that only come with breast cancer….
There is a sweet sadness that struck me tonight as I was driving home. Tears in my eyes thinking of each of us, how our stories were blown to bits with a cancer diagnosis, how we have each traveled a road that no one should have to walk. Chemo hell. Radiation burns. Scars. Nakedness. Yet each of us sat there tonight, accepting of the fact that the transformation we have encountered, the change we see in ourselves inside and out is something of magnificent resilience.
The beautiful power that was present in this little corner of this little bistro in the middle of a big city in the center of a big country……………..Magnificent resilience. Beautiful power. Immense gratitude.
This Day in 2019:
A Sweet Gift
Today was my first volleyball practice as assistant coach for my kid’s team. And it was sweet redemption getting to be in the gym again. I am well enough to participate…to be present and involved…to experience the joy of coaching again. I am hurting pretty badly tonight, but so grateful it all worked out for me to get to do this.
After some really really difficult days, today was a sweet gift.
No post for 8/14/20