I’ve been on some emotional amusement park rides the last few days. The rollercoaster. The depth drop. The spinning teacups. The flying swings. You name it, I’ve ridden it. It’s been a little bit of everything — Stressed. Joyful. Overwhelmed. Weary. Relieved. Grateful. Pensive. Hyper-protective. Insecure. Uncomfortable. Energized. Pleased. Frustrated. Annoyed. Skeptical. Brave. Proud. Prickly. Inadequate. Content. Secure..…..all of these felt outwardly toward others and inwardly toward myself.

I’m certain you can relate. 

Emotions are participatory. They are indicators of presence. They are evidence of reflection. I value them when they are easy and when they are difficult, when they are high and when they are low.

I’ve said it many times before — life is far richer when it’s felt.

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This Day in 2018:

Shut Off

Too exhausted to write anything of value tonight. Have been going since 6 this morning. Time to shut off. 

This Day in 2019:

It.All.Matters.

I am intensely sad tonight. It’s been an incredibly heavy couple of days. My body experienced a massive trauma response last night and the trigger sent me into a spiral that splayed open my heart. I was in the deepest part of the deepest grief. I was overtaken by a wretched heartbreak. My heart was racing, my breathing was out of control. My mind was wrestling with conflicting thoughts. My soul was screaming. I have never experienced anything like it. And it reminds me that my body is holding an enormous trauma. Literally. This isn’t just intellectually a difficult thing, this is an every-cell-hurts kinda thing. Then this morning I had to do another hard thing…something I’d never had to do before in my life. Something that was highly stressful and emotionally taxing. Finally, I’m living through the very hard reality that having the courage to make big life decisions and create necessary change (which is vital to living a rich and meaningful life) doesn’t comes with flowers and rainbows and sometimes has to come with thorns and big black storm clouds that block out the sun.

One foot in front of the other, Amber. Live short and live deep. Experience the highs. And the lows. Trust the loyalty of the unknown, the constancy of the temporary, the joy of the celebrations and the despair of the traumas. Because It.All.Matters.

This Day in 2020:

Utter Confusion

I had a dream last night that I had to shave my head again. I’m uncertain as to the ‘why’ in the dream, but I woke up funky all the same. 

It’s a strange thing to live in a completely changed body when, from the outside, it doesn’t look all that changed. I have curves where they are supposed to be. I have hair now almost as long as it was before. I have eyebrows and eyelashes. The gray of chemo is replaced by the hue of a body no longer infused with poison. The visible catheter that ran 12 inches from my visible port into my jugular, gone. The outside, except for its scars and deeply meaningful tattoo, doesn’t really tell the story that my mind, heart and soul endure. 

I feel so disconnected from this shell of a reshaped body yet vigilantly connected to my altered self. And because there was such an overhaul, wholly to be certain, it feels strange to “look normal” when there is nothing normal about it. It feels phony… or maybe fake… or maybe even wrong. Strangely contrasted, I felt connected (connected to myself outside and in, connected to my story, connected to my people, connected to my transformation) while in the throes of treatment…when I didn’t have curves because they were taken from me, when I didn’t have hair because chemo killed it, when I was the color gray…I didn’t feel counterfeit because I looked how I felt. 

I wonder if that’s another reason why surviving is so complex… I am grateful that I don’t have to perpetually live in the battle, but it’s utterly confusing to survive. 

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I didn’t post for the last couple of days (8.11 or 8.12) because I was just too tired. But since I want to keep all of my past years’ posts together with the current year, here they all are:

August 11 & 12, 2018:

Something to Remember

Despite not feeling well today it was a productive day. Chris finished some to-do-before-selling-the-house projects. I did some major de-cluttering of my stuff (which is also on that same list…)

An additional thing to note from today – while we were out running errands, I had my window down and I could feel the wind blow through my hair. It struck me because I haven’t felt that in a long time. It also reminded me of the feeling I had on my head when I took a shower for the first time after my head was shaved. And how it felt to wash a bald head. And how it felt to feel the wind when I had a wig on (and the paranoia that it would get blown off). And the fact that I had a wig to wear… Crazy what I’ve experienced. And interesting to write about it as something to remember. 

What is to Give Light 

“What is to give light, must endure burning.” The transformation that fire brings — how it can cause total destruction yet make way for important regrowth, the refining flames, the curing blaze, the inferno that makes things malleable…The illumination of the darkness…..

The intensity of fire so accurately tells my story.

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August 11 & 12, 2019:

3.5 and Then Some… 

Three and a half hours and still going strong…. tattoos take a long time. Grateful in a deepest way for this gift. 

Albert, Tattoos and Magic, Round 4

Well, this tattoo is going to take much longer than I originally expected. Albert only got one rose done last night and as it was, I didn’t get home till 1am! I was pretty grumpy about it when I woke up this morning. And my anxieties were through the roof (I’m at the total mercy of someone else to follow through on their word). I was edgy and prickly and of course, beyond tired from the barely 4 hours of sleep that I got. 

And then I remembered something – I remembered that I want time to move slow and I want to take it all in and I want to experience things fully and I want live INTO things. So, my tune quickly changed. Instead of being anxious and wanting my tattoo done, I decided I was going to love the anticipation of each step of the way. Because lets be real – once things are in the rear view mirror, well, they are in the rear view mirror. And once things are in the rear view mirror, more effort is needed to remember everything about the experience. So, as my day started off rough and rife with bad attitude, I’m grateful my companion of cancer reminded me to live changed. And thankfully that companion spoke to me because it got me through the rest of a very difficult day.

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(No posts for August 11 or 12 of 2020)