“When we love, we are courageous; and courage has nothing to do with being fearless. It’s about being willing to experience fear, even dread, to do what we must, without guarantee of outcome.”
Vanna Bonté
Today has been a rough day. This whole week…….actually, no, the last couple of months have been rough. I’ve not felt well (it’s more than normal), and I’ve felt extra sensitive and emotional. I’ve cried a lot at the drop of a hat, I’ve sat in the quiet staring off into space without much content to my thoughts, I’ve had to wrestle with the balance of being authentic with my family when they ask how I’m doing and seeing them hurt because I hurt…the memories—deep, the trauma—real. This quote hit me today, in the midst of my emotions, that my family has such courage to love. Each of us in our own ways. Each of us without the element of cancer in our stories. Each of us with it. I am so grateful we choose to love each other because, if you really think about it, the risks to do so are high.
This Day in 2018:
Perfect Design
I was struck by something today while I was texting with a friend….It’s related to a very “cliche” concept: “All in God’s timing…” I hear that all of the time. I say that all of the time. And there is a reason…because there is so much truth to it. But today, while texting with her, the phrase that has come to have a feeling of “common” and “gray” became “full of color” for me. It simply felt different.
Life unfolds through the events experienced in it… Lessons learned… Perspectives challenged… Decisions made. …Decisions made because of the lessons learned and the perspectives challenged; decisions that wouldn’t have been made the same at a different time because the process of getting to that decision and the clarity that came through that process were all purposefully unfolded… all perfectly timed… In other words, the event, in and of itself, means something, sure, but the collateral from the event (and all that is learned in that space) have purposeful and perfect design at just the perfect time.
Anyways…
I have chemo tomorrow.
And I’m going to try sleeping in my bed tonight.
This Day in 2019:
Decisions….
Well. I didn’t refill my prescription. And this morning was my last pill.
I’m conflicted. There is a part of me that is overwhelmed with relief that there isn’t a decision to make because that part is behind me. There is a part of me that is totally at peace with whatever comes of the future because I can do hard things and I simply don’t need to try and predict how the story ends. There is also a part of me that is uncertain and unsettled and unsure if this is the right thing to do….and all I can do is live presently, accepting and choosing the unknown.
But that’s the kicker. I can live presently, accepting and choosing the unknown, with or without anastrozole. It isn’t magic….
So, for these 5 minutes, I’m going to rest in the fact that a decision is made. I’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here. And I’ll deal with the conversation with the doc when it gets here. And I’ll deal with whatever comes whenever it comes.
No Post for 7/8/20