July is going to be “Quote Month.” Sometimes it will be my own quotes. Sometimes it will be someone else’s. And if you have any good ones to share, I’d love to hear them!! Here’s today’s:
“Why do people need to be reminded that ‘okay’ is okay? It’s because both+and is not generally accepted. We have to be either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because if we’re good, then we can move on; If we’re bad, we can focus on what to fix; But if we’re okay, that duality is simply too uncomfortable.”
@amberhavekost @thepurposedsailor
Yesterday in 2018:
Defined. Destroyed. Strengthened.
Eye roll…I find myself beating myself up because I’m not “doing more” during my recovery. Seriously. I know….It’s been 5 days…(another eye roll).
What “should” I be doing? What is this recovery “supposed” to look like?
Chris and I figured out today that I have blood blisters (some have popped, some have not) under the tegaderm bandages that are around my drains. Not sure if they are because of the tegaderm or because of the allergic reaction rash I have but the itching and the searing pain are fun nonetheless. And I figured out how to describe the pain when we strip one of my lower drains – like someone is cutting me in half, hip to hip, with a fiery hot knife. That’s fun, too.
Sooooo, what should I be doing during my recovery………..surviving…..and not going absolutely out of my mind.
So far, so……..mostly good. ..Although I am feeling a little crazy tonight.
Tuesday’s post op appointment cannot come fast enough.
Anyways… enough of that.
I saw a saying on facebook yesterday: “When something bad happens, you have three choices; you can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”
Interesting.
What if it is all three?
My journey through this has had each of these elements in it.
Cancer has (and will continue to) defined me…I was a “cancer survivor” the moment I heard “you have cancer.” I have also willingly allowed it to turn me inside out and upside down….I have allowed it to change me. I will never be able to go back to who I was before this, physically or emotionally, socially or spiritually. That “BC” me doesn’t exist anymore.
Additionally, and without a doubt, cancer has destroyed me. It has taken my body to the brink of hell. It has taken body parts. It has required poison to course through my veins. It has forced a major identity breakdown. It has caused devastating thoughts, doubts, fears and insecurities. Its destruction has guaranteed that the “BC” me doesn’t exist anymore.
All that said, it has also strengthened me. For all of the above stated reasons. Being defined as a survivor not a victim. Being destroyed and literally put back together again. Looking cancer and death and a broken body in the face and allowing intense change to occur. Choosing to remain faithful. Finding new identity. Trusting a long and difficult process that is far from over. Sitting in the waiting. Sitting in the unknown. Sitting in the empty spaces. Feeling every part of this storm in every part of my body, head to toe, inside out. Being soul-changed. That “BC” me doesn’t exist anymore.
I look down and I don’t yet like what I see. That will be another year long process. I look in the mirror and know that much change will most certainly happen inside and out. Cancer will continue to define, destroy and strengthen me. And I will continue to let it. Because I made a promise to myself and God that if He wastes nothing, nor will I.
Today in 2018:
Blah
I’ve been in a funk. All day.
This is hard. And I don’t feel well.
Yesterday in 2019:
What it’s like from the inside of the ?
Lately I am finding myself in a strange head-space. “Lost” is a word that keeps coming to my mind…but that’s the strange thing – I don’t actually think I’m lost. So what IS that? I’m actually more grounded than I ever have been in my life. And I recite my mantras-that-cancer-taught-me constantly…ensuring that I am in fact, grounded now more than ever. So, why do I feel lost?
Maybe it’s because…..
…I want to be somewhere but I don’t know where I actually want to be.
…I want change but I don’t know what change I am actually looking for.
…I feel this deep connection to my body and at the same time, I feel just as oppositely disconnected.
…I know who I am and yet I kinda feel like I really don’t.
…I feel in complete peace with staying present and not getting too far ahead of myself while at the same time, I feel totally antsy in the unfolding of my cancer’s purpose.
So maybe it’s not ‘lost’ in the traditional sense of the word…it’s not about being alone and directionless or squandering opportunities or experiencing defeat, rather, maybe it is about understanding what it means to truly live in constant unknown.
Up until the end of 2016, I always lived ahead of myself. I was a planner and an executor and the day-to-day was merely a means to the ‘end’ that I had planned for myself. And then when January 1, 2017 hit and everything went spiraling out of control, I began to see and deeply experience the purpose of living short because the next day truly isn’t guaranteed….and the next moment truly is unknown.
Maybe that’s why survivorship feels so strange. I could die tomorrow or I could live to be 90 or Jesus will come back sometime in between and all of it is unknown. What steps I take today will certainly impact the direction of the bridge tomorrow, but since I can’t see but 5 feet in front of me, I am always smack-dab-in-the-middle of the ?.
So that feeling of being lost….maybe it’s actually about trusting in the guarantee that nothing is guaranteed.
Today in 2019:
and i don’t know why
In a sad place tonight. And I don’t know why………
Frustrated. And I don’t know why…….
Antsy. And I don’t know why……..
I’m in a total funk.
Yesterday in 2020:
“It’s Okay Not To Be Okay.”
Words matter… Saying words just for the sake of saying words is not actually communication. What if we all were more intentional with the words we choose? Yes, tone matters. Context and timing also matter. As does body language. But words, too, carry important value that we often overlook. What is *actually* being communicated, not just stated? It’s why I tend to dissect clichés—I challenge the “safety” in the easy-to-repeat responses that become cliché and I peel back the surface layers to seek the inherent meaning of a set of words combined together.
The other day, I answered, “How are you?” with, “I’m okay.” (My experience has been that those who ask me how I’m doing don’t like it when I answer with, “I’m okay.” They fidget and struggle with what to say next, because —and they have said this to my face— after making it through each milestone so far of my cancer diagnosis, shouldn’t I be better than okay by now? I am still alive, aren’t I?) Anyways, the response offered back to me was, “Well, I guess it *is* okay to not be okay.”
At first glance, sure, that is an easy sentiment to get behind. And it does have a nice ring to it. And it is simple. And there is a universality to it that makes it safe to say because who could be bothered by such an inclusive, live-and-let-live statement, right? But that’s the issue with clichés. In general, we don’t tend to challenge them.
“It’s okay not to be okay” actually communicates that it’s not okay to be okay. “It’s okay not to be okay” creates a qualifier…it’s having to provide permission to ‘just be okay’ as if permission is needed. ✋🏼Hang on.✋🏼 I need an okay to be okay? I mean, it *is* all over social media…the permission to be okay is plastered on timelines and insta feeds and Bitmoji images…it’s written out artistically in the fanciest calligraphy, typed out over pictures in memes, framed and ready-for-purchase on etsy, screen-shot-able and shareable…why? Why do people need to be reminded that ‘okay’ is okay?
It’s because both/and is not generally accepted. We have to be either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ If we’re good, then we can move on. If we’re bad, we can focus on what to fix. But if we’re okay, we get uncomfortable…uncomfortable sitting in the duality and the unknown of okay…and the duality and the unknown are the uncontrolled.