I’ve recently challenged myself with something. Whenever I hear myself say, “I’m just trying to figure it out…” in regards to something I don’t know, I stop what I’m saying and reevaluate that which I am trying to figure out. And I tend to find that the answer to “it” is always just slightly out of reach. It’s just like Alice, in wacky chapter 5, finding herself in a strange little shop with an odd little knitting shopkeeper-sheep, where the things on the shelves are perpetually just out of focus and she is never able to get close enough to grasp, let alone buy, anything.

How very similar, indeed.

I’m learning more and more through this story of cancer that the reason the “it” is always just slightly out of reach is because “it” is not yet supposed to be found. It’s not yet supposed to be known. Instead, I’m supposed to simply be here, undistracted from now, not trying to figure it out. I don’t live passively, waiting for things to happen, but I do live presently, here in the in-between, trusting the simplicity in my next best step, trusting that I don’t actually have to figure it out, trusting all feedback is relevant, trusting that nothing is wasted and trusting that I’ll know what I need to know when I need to know it.

The unknown used to upset me. Now I know there is a freedom here, a freedom unlike any other.

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Cancer :: May 27, 2018

I don’t have a whole lot to say…. 

Cancer is hard. 

And even though I’m months into this with having endured a whole lot of hard, it’s still so strange to say I have cancer.

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‘Pretty Good’ :: May 27, 2019

I went on a walk today and while walking, I was able to tell Chris and Caty, “wow, I’m feeling pretty good right now!” 

I felt a big enough difference that ‘pretty good’ was an accurate descriptor. 🙂 And I’ll take what I can get. 

I think it is really important that I catalogue this because there are a lot of days where “pretty good” doesn’t exist. And it is important that I practice the acknowledgement of the good days in-between all of the bad. 1. It’s important for my own ears to hear me say it. 2. It’s important for my husband to hear that I’m able to recognize it. 3. It’s important for my kids to see that I can also experience good days. 4. It’s important for my soul to understand that while my body, mind, heart and spirit are in a constant battle, there is grace in the momentary relief and it can then propel me to carry on and gear up for continued battle.

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No post for 5/27/20

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