“What sort of people live about here?”
“In that direction,” the Cat said, lives a Hatter; and in that direction lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both mad.”
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.

“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

This is seriously one of my favorite conversations in this whole book. There are SO MANY METAPHORS and you know me, I love talking in metaphor. 

This is survivorship for me…it’s weird and so upside-down here. What used to be normal is now strange and wacky and what used to be strange and wacky is now normal. I find I don’t really fit in in the old right-side up, nor do I want to go back there because for me, living changed and purposing cancer means I stay in the upside-down. And as it turns out, I don’t mind not fitting in.

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Ok God… :: May 13, 2018

Oh so much in my head this morning… Yesterday was so full and wouldn’t you know it …. God had something for me in the day. I know. Shocker. I had to facilitate a training for work for the bigger part of the day. One of the trainees that was there is a breast cancer survivor. Who happens to have my same oncologist. And who happens to have my same plastic surgeon team. And who happens to have chosen the same reconstructive surgery (DIEP) that I have scheduled in 2 months. Out of the entire state of Colorado, within the huge city of Denver and its many suburbs, me and this other lady were put in the same room yesterday. For an entire day. With plenty of time to talk. 

Ok God. 

So far throughout this chapter of my story, I have been very protective of myself from other people’s cancer stories. It is how I have chosen to walk this. In all honesty, I’m not all that interested in how it was for others because I am living it for me. I haven’t wanted a whole lot of “advice” or “here’s what you should be prepared for” or “For me, it was….” It’s not that I don’t think those things have merit, because they do, and I am a lover of story (meaning that I love hearing and validating others in their stories), but I have really wanted a clear filter for my own personal experience. Buuuuuuuut, this lady. Being placed in this room with me. From across this big city. Within this huge state. So……I asked. “Tell me about the DIEP.”

Good heavens. I don’t know that I should have asked. Or maybe I should have and God had her there so I would. Maybe God thought it wise for me to have a ‘head’s up’ about what I’m walking into in a couple of months. Maybe God thought it would be important for me to have more time to wrap my head around this whole thing. Maybe God thought that this time someone else saying, “For me, it was…..” was important. I understand that my experience will likely be different from this woman’s, but wow. This “putting me back together” surgery is no joke. And the road ahead, the cancer journey I’m on…………………………….far.from.over. (I mean, I already knew that, but yesterday confirmed exactly that which I knew but didn’t actually know.)

24 inch incision across the front of my abdomen, hip to hip.
Microsurgery to connect hundreds of blood vessels so that the tissue he rearranges doesn’t die.
Essentially creating me a new bellybutton because the one I was born with and have lived with for 38 years will need to be modified (hence hip to hip incision).
Potentially cutting off the ends of a few ribs and reattaching ab muscles to them.
Walking hunched over for the majority of the 6 week recovery so as to not put too much strain on rearranged ab muscles and cut ribs.
Liposuction for fat grafting….but not at the time of this surgery, rather every few months, going in for more each time…and each time, being “out” for a week or two because of the recovery and pain of liposuction. (this lady has gone in 4 times and has a 5th scheduled over the course of several months).
At least a year for it all to be “complete”. A.Nother.Whole.Year.

I asked about this in the early part of the day. And needless to say, I was spinning. But I also had to keep it together because I had to teach. And then I had to drive all the way down to Castle Rock for Cate’s last volleyball tournament….that didn’t get over until 9:30pm. And then I had to drive us all the way home. And then Chris had to take her to the airport at 3:30am this morning because she is going to DC and New York for her 8th grade trip. So while I am spinning on this surgery and processing all that I took in yesterday with that, I am also praying that my 14 year old daughter is safe on the other side of the country and that she returns to us safe and sound. All while celebrating yet another holiday differently because of cancer. 

I am so grateful to be here this Mother’s Day. To be celebrating with my family. To be alive to do so (even though my body feels like a freight train tore right through it). That cancer, while it is taking SO much (including a friggen BELLY BUTTON), has not taken my life. That I was able to wake up this morning and hug those closest to me, that I am able to celebrate my own mother and her incredible strength, resilience and selflessness and that I get to explore the option of astounding science to put me back together. Whoa.

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Stormy Side Effects :: May 13, 2019

The waves of nausea and dizziness are rough. The hot flashes have increased in intensity and frequency. The heartburn is back with a vengeance. I’m puffy from head to toe. The headaches are difficult to manage. The fatigue is strong. The emotions, unpredictable. 

Cancer certainly keeps me on my toes and doesn’t let me get comfortable…….

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Sometimes You Just Gotta Quote Yourself :: May 13, 2020

“Holding tensions and acknowledging that things don’t have to be *just one way* is not a lack of conviction. Instead, it is a posture of trust that each opposing force offers inherent value. It is not weak, rather it reaches a depth of strength that only comes from inviting those forces to challenge you.” -Amber Havekost

(Yes, I did in fact quote myself.) 😉

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