I will readily admit that prior to my diagnosis, I had no (NO!) leg to stand on in regards to what I am going to write about today. My Haleigh would tell you even if I didn’t admit it myself . . .
. . . But why must people pick every battle? It’s like the Mouse…he got mad about EVERYTHING and around every little corner he was offended! “‘I didn’t mean it!’ pleaded poor Alice. ‘But you’re so easily offended, you know!’ The Mouse only growled in reply.”
I get being principled. I get holding the line. I get believing in convictions. I get valuing truth. I get following the rules. And I get being offended when someone wrongs you. I do all of these things as well. But, dare I say, you can do all of these things and STILL wisely pick your battles. Not everything has to be a thing! (And another thing…now don’t go cancelling me…when in a battle, sometimes the other side might just have a point . . . but that’s another topic for another day)
Before cancer, (ask Haleigh), I SUCKED at this and I picked e v e r y s i n g l e b a t t l e . It was exhausting for me! I was so fearful that if I didn’t pick all of the battles, I was destining her for a future of failure. (You can laugh at my absurdity, that’s fine.) I held so rigidly to my principles and my lines and my rules that there was no room for grace. I didn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand her identity was separate from mine so everything she did was as if I was the one doing it or I was being judged because of it. I took everything so personally. And I clearly didn’t think she had any opinion of any merit. For my girl, while I was exhausting myself, she was becoming numb. A chasm was cut…and a deep one, at that. The sad thing was that I was so blind to it! I thought I was doing my job as a parent. HOLD THE LINE AND DON’T EVER COMPROMISE IT for fear of ruining my kids lives. Don’t give them an inch, they’ll take a mile! Spare the rod and spoil the child! (And PS. it wasn’t because I was repeating what I had experienced…if it weren’t for my parents’ love and grace, I wouldn’t have made it.)
The bottom line – it turns out that my priorities were all upside down. And with upside down priorities, so were my lines.
Cancer treatment took for itself every last drop of my fight. I didn’t have fight enough to pick battles other than the one for my life…so, my kid got a break. She got some space. And so did I. And we learned a lot about ourselves and about each other. And the chasm was bridged. And now that my forever-changed-cancer-transformed-upside-down world is now right side up, my priorities are, too.
I am so grateful that now, relationship wins. Grace wins. Letting go wins. Space wins. And we win when these things win.
For This Moment :: May 5, 2018
I hurt from the inside out.
I trust this will pass. But for this moment, I will acknowledge the hurt.
Another Day 3 :: May 5, 2019
Day 3. Here we go again.
I didn’t hate what I saw this morning. I look (and feel) like a truck ran right through me as I’m covered in black and purple bruises and counted several new scars, but all in all, my surgeon has gotten us as close as we’re gonna get, I think. Granted, the real picture doesn’t come into focus for a few weeks as the swelling goes down and everything settles in, but, at this point, it is what it is and he did a great job. If we do any additional work, it’ll be at least 6 months because my body needs time. Time for significant rest.
Anyways, showering was the highlight of my day…the betadine they use to disinfect my skin has the worst smell…and oh how I love washing that off and smelling good again!
After the unwrapping, the assessing and the showering, the day went downhill. The emotions hit me hard, today, even with a mostly positive experience this morning. I was so edgy and grumpy and angry and pensive. I cried several times throughout the day and the only thing I think I can attribute that to is how purely exhausting everything is ….everything about recovering from surgery and, well, everything else up to this point cumulatively.
As I lay here preparing for another sleepless and painful night, I am grateful everything is temporary. And by God’s grace, morning will come and with it, new mercies for another day.
No Post for 5/5/20
Even as a child, you had high standards . I am glad you have been able to relax with being a parent. It’s never easy and we ask ourselves if we should have done more or if we did too much. I am glad you have been able to adjust and relax in your relationship.
♥️