And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace.
grace [ greys ]
noun.
a moral strength; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to strengthen them; the freely given, unmerited favor of God.
I was talking to a fellow cancer survivor the other day and the topic of recurrence came up. We discussed how very dreadfully difficult it would be to hear, ‘cancer is back’ … yes, because cancer sucks. Yes, because cancer treatment is brutal. Yes, because it’s so hard on our families. Yes, because there is never a guarantee.
Yes, because the burden of knowledge.
It’s a tragically cruel both+and… I know I can battle so I’d battle again. I know it sucks so I know it would suck again. I know it’s day-by-day so I’d know it’d be day-by-day again. I know…so I know. Oh how grace would be the literal ONLY thing to get me through. The grace to know I can do hard things. The grace to know just how transformative cancer has been once already, despite its destruction. The grace to know that it has the potential to rock me to my core all over again. Oh Lord, that would be so hard.
There is another way, too, that grace in the burden of knowledge shows up…. And that is for others who have or will hear, ‘You have cancer.’ I know the ugly inside of that word. I know the depths of pain, hope, fear, faith, anger, gratitude that comes with such a story. And while the stories are different, the grace to sit in it with another is common ground. The grace to not be afraid of their experience. The grace to not be turned off by their struggle. The grace to not nullify their reality with a rubber stamp of insistent positivity. The grace to simply be there. In the word. With them. Even though it’s extra hard.
Now, this isn’t an exclusive club. I’m gonna go ahead and say that if you’ve experience anything that has turned you upside-down and inside-out and backwards, you, too, have a burden of knowledge. One that comes with an opportunity for you to access this same grace from it. But . . . That’s a choice you have to make. That’s vulnerability you have to choose. Empathy isn’t easy…sympathy is. Feeling WITH someone, connected to your own pain isn’t easy…pitying someone, ‘at-least-ing’ their experience is.
On this last day of March, the theme of grace infused in every day, just 2 days prior to Good Friday, I’ll end with this: Jesus went to the cross with a burden of knowledge. He knew the suffering coming His way. Like… KNEW IT. And He CHOSE grace in the face of it. J u s t i m a g i n e. It takes courage to choose grace. To give it. To receive it. Because in order to do so, we have to give up something. Our pride. Our control. Our expectations. Our self-preservation. Our selfishness. Our you-fill-in-the-blank. But oh how rich we are when we do.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
*Post 1092
Reflections :: 3/31/18 :: Post 206
One of the things I was most looking forward to in this Breckenridge respite opportunity was to reflect on what has transpired up to this point.
The brain space of “what’s been endured” in light of what lies ahead.
The chapter that is being authored has not been easy, it has had moments of darkness, it has nearly taken me out, it has challenged my faith, it has brutalized my body, it has brought tears, it has required a resilience unheard of, it has terrorized my family, it has broken my heart, it has hurt my soul.
It has also grown my faith, it has proven strength and resilience and endurance, it has allowed me to encounter God in unique ways, it has rearranged my priorities, it has expanded my perspective, it has deepened my empathy, it has secured my relationships with my family, it has reconciled other brokenness, it has increased my gratitude.
Amazing.
Hard.
Mind-blowing.
In this time of reflection, I also took some time to document the appointments and the number of people that have cared for me in this undeniably difficult but purposeful chapter.
(The number is the amount of people who cared for me in that day for that appointment. Numbers in parentheses represent individuals that have already been counted somewhere else.)
Aug 7: 3 OB/GYN Breast Exam
Aug 18: 6 Mammogram/Ultrasound
Aug 24: 5 Biopsy
Aug 28: 4 Breast MRI
Aug 28: 2 Genetics Consult
Aug 30: 5 Consult Dr. Moore
Aug 30: 2 Consult RMCC
Aug 30: 3 Consult Dr. Williams
Aug 31: 4 Pre-Surgery Bloodwork
Sept 6: 1 Pre-Surgery Appt with Dr. Williams
Sept 6: 2 Pre-Surgery Appt with Christi
Sept 6: 2 Wig Consult
Sept 8: 15 Double Mastectomy Surgery
Sept 13: 1 Post-Surgery Appt with Dr. Williams
Sept 19: 4 Consult with Dr. Basche
Sept 20: (2) Post-Surgery Appt with Dr. Williams
Sept 20: (3) Post-Surgery Appt with Dr. Moore
Sept 22: 7 PET Scan and Bone Scan
Sept 25: (3) Follow Up Appt with Dr. Basche
Sept 26: 10 Port Install
Sept 27: (3) Post-Surgery Appt with Dr. Williams
Sept 28: (2) Physical Therapy
Sept 28: 4 Echocardiogram
Sept 29: 3 Pelvic Ultrasound
Sept 29: 2 Chemo Class/Financial Advisor Consult
Oct 3: 1 Post-Surgery Appt with Dr. Williams
Oct 6: (2) Physical Therapy
Oct 9: (8) Chemo 1/6 (Chemo Team Total: 17)
Oct 10: (2) Physical Therapy
Oct 10: (2) Hana Follow Up
Oct 19: (2) Physical Therapy
Oct 23: (2) Physical Therapy
Oct 24: (3) Head Shaving Appt with Hana
Oct 25: 1 Follow Up with Dr. Williams
Oct 30: (8) Chemo 2/6
Oct 31: (2) Physical Therapy
Nov 6: (2) Physical Therapy
Nov 6: (5) Fluids (Critically low on potassium)
Nov 7: 1 Follow Up with Dr. Basche
Nov 10: (5) Fluids
Nov 13: (2) Physical Therapy
Nov 17: (5) Fluids
Nov 18: 2 Acupuncture
Nov 20: (8) Chemo 3/6
Nov 21: (2) Physical Therapy
Nov 21: 1 Acupuncture
Nov 22: (5) Fluids
Nov 24: (5) Fluids
Nov 26: (3) Fluids
Nov 28: (2) Physical Therapy
Dec 8: (2) Physical Therapy
Dec 9: 1 Acupuncture
Dec 11: (8) Chemo 4/6
Dec 12: (2) Acupuncture
Dec 12: (2) Physical Therapy
Dec 13: (3) Follow Up with Dr. Moore
Dec 13: (5) Fluids
Dec 15: (5) Fluids
Dec 17: (3) Fluids
Dec 21: (2) Physical Therapy
Jan 2: (2) Acupuncture
Jan 3: (8) Chemo 5/6
Jan 4: (2) Physical Therapy
Jan 4: (3) Acupuncture
Jan 5: (5) Fluids
Jan 5: Consult with Dr. Dorn (Radiation Team Total): 14
Jan 7: (3) Fluids
Jan 9: (5) Fluids
Jan 9: 5 Echocardiogram
Jan 20: (1) Acupuncture
Jan 22: (8) Chemo 6/6
Jan 23: (2) Acupuncture
Jan 24: (5) Fluids
Jan 25: (2) Physical Therapy
Jan 26: (5) Fluid
Feb 2: (2) Physical Therapy
Feb 7: (3) Dr. Williams (expander fluid removal)
Feb 8: 1 (4) Radiation Simulation
Feb 9: (2) Physical Therapy
Feb 12: (8) Chemo 1/12
Feb 16: (2) Physical Therapy
Feb 19: (6) Radiation
Feb 20: (6) Radiation
Feb 21: (6) Radiation
Feb 21: (2) Physical Therapy
Feb 22: (6) Radiation
Feb 23: (6) Radiation
Feb 26: (6) Radiation
Feb 26: (2) Physical Therapy
Feb 27: (6) Radiation
Feb 28: (6) Radiation
Mar 1: (6) Radiation
Mar 2: (6) Radiation
Mar 5: (6) Radiation
Mar 5: (6) Chemo 2/12
Mar 6: (6) Radiation
Mar 7: (6) Radiation
Mar 8: (6) Radiation
Mar 9: (6) Radiation
Mar 12: (6) Radiation
Mar 13: (6) Radiation
Mar 14: (6) Radiation
Mar 15: (6) Radiation
Mar 16: (6) Radiation
Mar 19: (6) Radiation
Mar 19: (3) Follow Up with Dr. Moore
Mar 20: (6) Radiation
Mar 21: (6) Radiation
Mar 22: (6) Radiation
Mar 23: (6) Radiation
Mar 26: (6) Radiation
Mar 26: (8) Chemo 3/12
Mar 27: (6) Radiation
Mar 28: (6) Radiation – LAST ONE!
Mar 28: 1 Acupuncture
Mar 29: (3) Dr. Williams (expander refill)
116 appointments as of 3.31.2018.
121 individuals that have cared for me in a variety of capacities. And I can picture the places and faces of 95% of this list.
And this is only the middle of the chapter……..
Incredible.
To Be Rich :: 3/31/19 :: Post 565
I woke up funky again today. Not so much like yesterday where I wanted to be anywhere but here, rather it was more like the story is sometimes too heavy to carry.
Yesterday I felt suffocated by black slime.
Today I feel like I’m holding a boulder much bigger than myself and much heavier than an elephant.
Most days I don’t hate my story. Of course I’ll readily admit that some days I wish it was easier, but in general, I deeply value its richness.
And to be rich is to be full, heavy, overflowing, beyond capacity….
No post for 3/31/20