And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace.
grace [ greys ]
verb.
To favor or honor.
I had a friend ask me tonight, “What would you tell your 28 year old self?” My answer had three parts to it: 1. Slow down. 2. Be where your feet are and 3. Both+And. Now if you’ve read many of my posts, you’ll know why (and in a general sense they are relatively self-explanatory) so I won’t spend many words on retelling the entirety of the ‘why.’
Yet there is one thing I said to her that I haven’t really articulated in the same way before…
“Live short because no amount of planning is ever actually guaranteed. This doesn’t mean don’t vision and desire for things, but don’t sell your experience short by locking into one plan.”
So often I think we design a future for ourselves (at the expense of the now) and then *when* it doesn’t go as planned, we spend our time trying to get back as close as possible, or we waste away precious moments by wallowing in what we may see as failure or we panic because we think then that everything else that follows misses a mark.
Maybe I’m just talking about my own experience and this isn’t anyone else’s… But I absolutely would tell my 28 year old self to live A LOT shorter, letting life go deeper and not wider/longer in all the directions. This is where grace resides…in the short. In the ‘simply show up and be fully there.’
Oh, and PS (which is, by the way, the crux of it all), if YOU live short, than you allow the others close to you to live short [in the place where grace resides] because you aren’t trying to fit them into some long-term plan that you believe you have control over. It took cancer for me to realize that it was PRECISELY here that I had stuck my girls & husband, myself as a mom and myself as a wife early on…every move outside of my plan made me lock it down harder extending less and less grace the further away we’d get. I’m deeply grateful we live different now, full of grace in the short.
*Post 1080
Hope and Fear :: 3/17/18 :: Post 193
A breakfast date with my love to Cracker Barrel and Cabelas.
A nice weekend afternoon nap.
A family get together that brought joy and laughter and encouragement.
A fun drive home singing with my girls.
A yummy dinner that my momma brought over.
A quiet evening with my girls while my love went fishing.
A sweet homework time with my Haleigh.
A sweet bedtime with my Annie.
A sweet conversation with my Catelyn.
Today was good and full of happiness, but I also felt the emotions right under the surface.
Nostalgic for parts of life before cancer. Thankful for perspective now. Grateful for how far we’ve come through this. Anxious for what all lies ahead. Sad that my girls have had this written into their stories. Amazed by how they have grown from it.
Curious about where God is taking me…
Curious about what’s ahead…
Hopeful and fearful all at the same time…….
Cancer’s Toll :: 3/17/19 :: Post 551
I had a full and busy weekend at Crossroads with Cate. I am reminded of just how massive the toll is that cancer has taken.
I used to have more energy where three days at my most favorite volleyball tournament was exhilarating. This year (and last), I could feel the toll of cancer on my body as I struggled to get through it hour by hour.
As I walked with Cate from our parked car to the convention center, I could feel the toll of cancer on my bones and joints as it hurt to take every step and we had to go slow.
I went to the bathroom between games and when I was washing my hands, I took one look at myself in the mirror and could feel the toll of cancer on my self-image as I desperately missed my long hair and cursed chemo for taking it.
As I cheered and encouraged the team and my kid on, I could feel the toll of cancer on my lungs and abdomen as my lungs struggled to fill and my ab muscles struggled to squeeze out the little air I was able to draw in. Not to mention the headache that I had and the body exhaustion that kept me from jumping up and down like I have in years past.
When we got home, I went straight to my bed to lie down because the toll of cancer on my entire body was just too much.
I got my 10th hot flash of the day and started crying. I’m so sick of those. I thought about the last two years and started crying. It’s been so much. My stomach was hurting and I started crying. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got called down to dinner and started crying. Who knows why that set me off. The toll of cancer on my spirit is heavy.
My resilience is wearing thin. My resolve is weary. Cancer’s toll is relentless.
No post for 3/17/20