And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace. 

grace ^{[ greys ]} 
noun. 
A manifestation of favor.

I got my hair done today. And if you’ve kept up with my story, you know that those can be some emotional days… It changed me having to shave my head. And dang was that a hard thing to experience.

The growing-back process has been strange for me. Celebrating that I have hair coming back to begin with because some aren’t so lucky. Feeling weird that it has, though, cuz I don’t really feel me anymore. Loving that it’s come back different and way more healthy. Missing what I used to have because of what it represented. In awe that something that was destroyed has found a way to survive. Feeling so unattached to it that I don’t really feel like I care what it looks like. It’s weird here.

So today, I’m sitting in Lindsey’s chair, she being a friend who has walked with me from the barely-longer-than-a-buzz stage of growth, and without even thinking, the words slipped out of my mouth…almost under my breath: 

“Wow. It’s so beautiful.”

Lindsey stopped what she was doing, threw her hands up in the air, and twirled around, celebrating what she had just heard. For nearly two years, as she hands me a mirror and spins me around, I’ve simply said, ‘Thank you. It looks good.’ Not because she doesn’t do a stellar job, but because I haven’t been able to see anything different. But today.

Her eyes welled up noting the deep significance of 4 simple words. And her dance is now a precious memory in this harder-than-anything part of my story. What grace in her twirl.

*Post 1071

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Time :: 3/8/18 :: Post 185

Today is an interesting day….

First, it’s radiation day 14. HALF WAY DONE!!!! Yay. 
Second, 6 months ago today was my surgery. Whoa. 

Time moves so fast. And so slow. It feels like it was just yesterday I was there. It also feels like it’s been years. Weird. 

Tonight I feel emotional. And tired. And I hurt. And I’m nauseous. My spirit is down. My soul is weary. My heart is fried. 

I looked in the mirror tonight while brushing my teeth and had a moment of, “Wow. Cancer.” 

By God’s grace I will look back one day and say, “I battlED cancer. I DID that. I survivED. It will have been. It would have happened. It would be fully behind me. 

For now, I’m still IN it. I’m battling. I’m doing. I’m surviving…….

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A Strange Thing :: 3/8/19 :: Post 542

It’s a strange thing – this tension between being angry with my body and feeling sorry for it….

At times I want to crawl out of my own skin and throw it away.

At times I curse out loud at it when it hurts or when the nausea hits or when my brain fogs. 

At times I flip it off when I see the ugliness or when it doesn’t work right. 

There are also times that I am grateful I still have this body. And appreciate its resilience and willingness to do hard work on our behalf. And I also treasure that it can be every bit human because that is all a part of the experience…and if I didn’t have the story I have, I wouldn’t be who I am. 

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No Post for 3/8/20

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