And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace.
grace [ greys ]
noun.
Favor or goodwill.
“It won’t always look this way.”
Wow has this been a life-altering statement… I used to think that life was a one-path-only option. That once veered off, whether it was a chosen veer or an inadvertent one, there wasn’t a hope of getting back. This left me with the idea that while I could work to get closer, at best I would end up running parallel and at worst I’d be so far gone I might as well give up…both meaning that as soon as I veered, I’d endlessly be stuck in a perpetual settle-for-less.
What an exhausting belief.
No wonder I freaked out about everything that I couldn’t control! No wonder I felt like every second had so many plates in the air threatening to fall to an irreparable end. No wonder I tried to force my girls into a mold that I had designed for them…not only did it ensure their life-long safety but it certainly reflecting on my quality of parenting.
Yikes.
Cancer has turned me upside-down and flipped so much of what I believed on its head. I no longer believe those ideals. Quite the opposite now, actually. My end-game hasn’t changed – I still want and believe for heaven through Jesus – but my getting-there is far more realistic. Literally everything this side of heaven is temporary. Literally life is fully experienced in the space between the memory and the what-if. And truly, that | | is fleeting………temporary. Over quickly. Brief. So, because “it won’t always look like this” or “it won’t always feel like this” or “it won’t always hurt like this” my GRIP ON everything is far looser.
And my GRIT IN everything is far stronger.
*Post 1070
The Wall :: 3/7/18 :: Post 184
I now know what radiation fatigue is. Yikes.
I am sooooooooooooo tired. I told Linda today that she may just hear me snoring at my desk. I honestly felt like I could sleep sitting up in my chair while the chaos of the office swirled around me.
…And I needed to make sure I didn’t stay too long at the office so that I could make it home.
….And when I got home I laid down for a few minutes (before Chris got home cuz we were gonna go on a date) but woke up 35 minutes later and no longer wanting to go anywhere but back to sleep.
It was just like they said… “The fatigue will hit around the third week of treatment and last for a few weeks after treatment is completed…” Day 13, on the front end of week three – boom…I hit the wall.
And my body…….it feels like the wall hit me. Over and over. And over again.
God, please give me the strength to endure.
Hard Work :: 3/7/19 :: Post 541
I’m unsettled. I’m nauseous. I’m uncomfortable. I’m prickly. I’m exhausted.
Living purposefully is hard work.
No post for 3/7/20