I woke up in the most intense funk… I slept awful, the pain in my body (namely my implants) kept me up all night. It happens like this almost every night but it doesn’t always get to me. Today, it did. I’ve been in a foul mood all day because of how frustrated I am that sleep (and really everything) is impossible. That I don’t live LITERALLY a second without feeling my mastectomy, feeling chemo, feeling radiation, feeling my hysterectomy, feeling my recon… 
……………..Sitting here typing. Feel it. Driving. Feel it. Walking. Feel it. Cooking. Reading. Putting mascara on. Painting my nails. Volleyball practice. Getting dressed. Drinking water. Conversing. Cleaning. Sleeping. You get the picture….

I’ve wanted to unzip from my head to my toes and step out of this existence. To be let go of by the cancer companion’s grip. To run, to jump, to dig and dive playing volleyball, to lift weights and get strong without excruciating joint pain, to get ready in the morning without having to sit and rest, to eat without getting instant heartburn, to walk without fracturing a toe. . . To be free of its constant presence.

Yet the both+and of freedom. Both the freedom from and the freedom of. 

Interesting. Wishing for the freedom from would undermine the freedom of – would undermine my inner self, my story, my transformation. And because of this, there are days like today where the wrestle I have of desiring to be free from that which has freed me makes my soul ache. Too confusing to make sense of. Too heavy to carry.

I am grateful the ache is temporary, I am grateful that on most days I embrace this broken mess for the beautiful freedom it provides, I am grateful that I am mostly comfortable in upside-down world. But today, the both+and is just too much.

*Post 1063

Done :: 2/28/18 :: Post 178

Tired. Long day. Needing sleep………..

Hope :: 2/28/19 :: Post 534

I had my second session with my new counselor today. I like her.

My mom texted me this morning and asked me how I was. My answer, “I’m pretty good”… those were new words for me. “I’m ok” or “I’m fine” or “I’m alright” are copy-and-paste-able on a daily basis…. I’m grateful I had an opportunity today to say something different and feel some sunlight on my face. 

I find myself tonight, though, being pulled back into the “everything is so hard” darkness. 

Today was so crazy at work because I had to get everything prepared for my absence because of surgery. And I’m tired of having to do that. 

And then one teenager had issues today. 

And then my other teenager started crying because she had a bad day.

And then my 10 year old told me about some stuff going down in 5th grade that is so something that would have gone down in junior year back in my day. Good gracious this world… 

My husband is fried. I am fried. My kids are fried.

Tomorrow, bright and early, I go in for surgery #9 (if you count my chemo port placement and removal procedures). My anesthesiologist called tonight to introduce herself…she asked, “have you ever experienced anesthesia before?” Ha. Uh, yeah. Lots. I’m an old pro at this…

I’m hoping my surgeon has a good day tomorrow. Because I am significantly uneven due to transplanted fat not living at the same rate, he will need to use two different sizes of implants to try and achieve evenness. Basically, I am laying there, they cut me open, they insert an implant in each side, they sit me up and look to see how even I am and if not, they lay me back down, take them out and insert two others, sit me up, check for evenness, lay me back down and try again, sit me up, lay me back down, sit me up, lay me back down……. And at no point do I get to render an opinion. I am banking on the fact that he has done this hundreds of times and that he has a good eye. Additionally, he will also be doing some other tricky techniques to try and minimize the visual differences between the radiated side and the non-radiated side. So yeah, he really needs to have a good day….I’m putting A LOT of trust in him. 

As I sit in the tension tonight of having a hopeful start to the day and a heavy end to it, with some big unknowns and big faith waiting for me tomorrow, I pray I can get some sleep. I will go into tomorrow with high hopes. Because I have nothing to lose. I will either come out with my expectations met or exceeded or I will have to continue to embrace the richness of the experiences even when it sucks and isn’t anything like I had hoped for.

(No Post for 2/28/20)