Heart. Mind. Body. Soul.
Whole.
My heart wrestles within my current season in that I’m not known for what I think I want to be known by. There is a depth that isn’t being reached. There is a capacity that isn’t being utilized. There is an emptiness where there was once a fullness. But, I have to remind myself that maybe I’m not supposed to be known in these ways because I’m supposed to be learning, practicing and doing ‘different.’ This is hard.
My mind, full and flip-floppy — my present, rich and my future, dreamy, both vying for its attention. The freedom in the ‘show up and be’ competing with the energizing power of the ‘what could be.’ Wanting to slow down and fast forward all at the same time. But, when I really think about it, one is the reality and the other is the possibility, only one of which is the certainty. This is hard.
My body, confused and in the throes of an identity crisis. Are you strong? Weak? Resilient? Broken? Beautiful? Ugly? Connected? Disconnected? Totally at peace? A hypochondriatic mess? Who are you? Is it okay to not know or is this a deeper issue that needs to be addressed? Is it normal to feel this way or is it a sign of distress? And oh the energy it takes to live as all of this is relative and I’m paving a path uncharted. This is hard.
My soul is practicing the art of surrender on a moment to moment basis. All things above considered. Knowing its fate and trusting its eternal purpose takes a pressure off that only knowing its fate and trusting its eternal purpose can. I’m not afraid of the wrestle. I’m not afraid of the gnat-like attention span. I’m not afraid of the confusion. I simply acknowledge them and trust that they, too, have purpose. Even though it’s hard. Wholly hard.
*Post 1054
Glory Days. Current Reality. Same Time :: 2/18/18 :: Post 169
I. Am. Exhausted.
Up at 5:15. Drive an hour from Ft. Collins to Westminster for Catelyn’s basketball games. Drive back up to Ft. Collins for a little rest in the hotel. Then drive 30 minutes from Ft. Collins to Greeley for Catelyn’s 2nd day of her volleyball tournament. Volleyball games from 2:30-7:30. Drive an hour home.
But I got to coach a little today 🙂 They invited me to join the team on the bench as an assistant…which was wonderfully hard. This was the team I was supposed to coach. I love these girls. But then cancer happened and I just couldn’t commit. It would have been too much and I wouldn’t have been able to give the girls all that they deserved. But for three whole matches today, I got to spend time cheering them on AND coaching.
It was strange as I felt so out of place and so right at home all at the same time. I remembered why I got out of coaching and missed it terribly all at the same time. I had the energy and the exhaustion all at the same time. I had to be super mindful of what I could do and what I shouldn’t do all at the same time.
Oh how I miss the game. I honestly miss my glory days sometimes.
20 years later……and a whole crap ton of life lived, here I am. In the battle for my life. Crazy stuff.
On that note, now that I’m home safe and sound, it’s time to wind down and sleep because tomorrow is the beginning of the next phase of treatment. Radiation starts first thing in the morning and the new routine sets in. Another hurdle is about to be underway.
How grateful I am to have had this weekend. Time with my kid. New perspectives. An escape to a world almost free of cancer…even if just for a short time. Memories made to be treasured.
It was just what I needed to breathe some life into my tired body as I reengage in the current reality.
Vulnerable :: 2/18/19 :: Post 524
I was walking downtown to meet a friend for dinner.
The feeling of vulnerability was strong.
I used to be so strong. At the prime of my D1 volleyball career, I was stronger than some football players….
Even after having a few kids, I was still strong. A different strong, but still solid and rarely felt physically vulnerable….
After cancer, boy, do I feel every bit vulnerable. And sure, I’m strong and I have battled. But my body has been depleted. Devastated. Put through hell. And it will take a long long long time to rebuild.
Cancer is a monster. That has no mercy.