Well. Because of cancer, my bones and joints are compromised. They aren’t as strong as they once were. I was a die-hard athlete, like seriously would throw myself around the basketball and volleyball courts, push myself beyond breaking during track practices and I even played a season of soccer as the goalie putting myself between the ball and the goal time and time again and I never broke a bone or had a serious injury. Sure I had some crazy bruises and may have slightly tweaked an ankle once and after the 1000’s of swings I finally needed shoulder surgery after my competitive volleyball career was over, but literally, no major injuries. It is astounding. My body was so strong. Not to mention my three full-term pregnancies and births. Tough as nails.

And then cancer…

Out of left field. What? My body, strong and solid and hardly ever even a cold...

…Cancer. And since poison destroyed much of what made me healthy in order to kill what was making me sick, I am now stuck in a much weaker body. Resilient, yes. But also weak. My point – I stood up from dinner the other night and something in my foot sent a searing pain up my leg. And now I’m in a walking boot for 4 weeks healing what may be a stress fracture (but from what stress?). And as it turns out – with one foot in a walking boot, my other leg has to work that much harder and in its own compromised state, well, let’s just say I’m a hot mess.

I was so excited to get to play a little volleyball again tonight with my girls. But no. Cancer’s long-term, what-they-don’t-tell-you-about-the-realities-of-survivorship, deeply-devastating impact strikes again. 

Today’s word – “lame.”

*Post 1053

So Today… :: 2/17/18 :: Post 168

I am so grateful I’ve been able to be here for my kid this weekend. Watching her play volleyball has filled my soul in ways that only this could do. Seeing her use the body she was blessed with to play a game that I have loved for 25+ years…watching her light up when she feels the rush of success…wishing I could run out on to the court and give her a hug when she’s down and needs a little pick-me-up…encouraging her and cheering her on…seeing her interact with a group of amazing young women for a common goal…watching her listen to her coaches and then apply what they tell her…

Amazing. 

One of the things I’ve learned through this journey is how unbalanced my life was. I’m learning the value of a wider view of life, a broader experience. Not just waking up, getting ready, doing school drop off, sitting in traffic, work, sitting in traffic, eating dinner, going to sleep, waking up, getting ready, doing school drop off, sitting in traffic, work, sitting in traffic, eating dinner, going to sleep…. 

Of course, I was engaged in my family life but in a lot of ways it took the backseat sometimes. It, at times, was the “obligation,” the “should.” And wow, is that hard to admit. It’s hard to look it square in the face. I’m grateful I have happy memories of our life up to this point, but I am thoroughly grateful for the new depth of awareness that this chapter in our lives has brought. 

So today,

While my body is exhausted because I.Have.Cancer. and chemotherapy poison has ravaged my body in order to save my body. …I’ve needed to be “on” for a longer period of time than cancer has allowed up to this point and I am so tired I can feel it in my bones. 

While my throat hurts because chemo has dried me out from the inside out. …Shouting and cheering on my girl and talking with my fellow team parents and the coaches has exasperated my already dry throat and tonight it stings. 

While my body aches because I had a significant surgery to remove the evil growth of cancer cells that overtook my body. …Sleeping in a hotel bed on hotel extra squishy pillows and sitting on bleachers all day has made the achy-ness extra achy. 

My head hurts. My fingers hurt (I had to have a friend open my water bottle today cuz my fingers just couldn’t do it). My feet cramp and throb. My eyes burn from having to wipe them dry because they water constantly. My shoulders are stiff and my neck is sore. 

…But I wouldn’t have traded today for anything. Getting to experience the awe of watching a kid (that I grew inside of me and gave birth to and is now 6’1”) grow up into one of the most beautiful souls on this earth and thankful there are two other amazing souls at home that God has entrusted to me……….Immensely grateful. 

And now, as I drift off to sleep laying next to this precious gift and listening to her breathe in and out, I will pray that the Lord sears this into my memory. 

Tumultuous :: 2/17/19 :: Post 523

My heart is heavy tonight. 

My storm – tumultuous.

I hold so closely the hearts of so many dear people in my life as they, too, are weathering tumultuous storms of their own. 

5 minutes. Living anything beyond that is too much. Too hard. Too overwhelming. Too scary. Too hopeless. 

What is now is precious even if it is the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. 

And an end exists, nonetheless. 

(No post for 2/17/20)