Tonight, the both+ands:

Wanting to stay in this very moment of space and time, no tasks, no requirements, no expectations. 

&

Wanting to experience progress faster, for purpose and for impact, for positive change and for influence.

Desire only for rest and for the quiet of it.

&

Desiring for a renewed strength that comes from the hard work in building it.

Wishing for big visions and to fast-forward the ‘getting there.’

&

Seeking peace in the minutiae knowing that the effort in the details lays the groundwork. 

Feeling depression and heartache, so heavy it seems to be all-consuming and harrowing, blackening my surroundings.

&

Resting in peace and confidence, fully trusting that all is purposed and feeling the warmth of its light.

Anxious…for so much unknown and the ‘am I even doing this right?’

&

Hopeful. Nothing ever stays the same and there isn’t just one single way the story goes.

Scarred and bruised, cancer forever marring my entire being, changing the way I think and feel, do and say, believe and value, seek out and ignore.

&

Healing and resilient, awed by how deeply I’ve been hurt with how astoundingly rich I can feel.

Bitter for the mess I’m left with because it hurts like hell.

&

Grateful for the mess I’m left with because it reminds me how to yearn for heaven.

*Post 1049

Fire That Refines :: 2/13/18 :: Post 164

I feel stubble on my head (in addition to my already-there peach fuzz). YAY that my hair is starting to come back. 

I feel stubble on my eyebrows. YAY that those are coming back, too. 

My GI tract has settled down. YAY for that relief. 

My appetite is pretty much back to normal. YAY for food. 

My taste buds have returned. YAY for enjoying food.

I’m grateful that I’m seeing signs of health in a body that has had to fight hard for it. 

There is more to battle but seeing and feeling strength return gives me hope for what remains. 

And it’s a reminder of how resilient the human body is. Amazing. 

On that note…my Haleigh had surgery today. A tonsillectomy. She’s been so sick over the past year that it was just time to get ‘em out. She did great. And is doing well tonight … even ate some dinner. Amazed by her resilience. Thrilled she is ok and on the mend. (Although Chris or I have to wake up at 1am, 3am and 5am to keep her on her pain meds…..that’s ROUGH when sleep comes so sparingly as it is….)

2017 and 2018 continue to bring the fire that refines us….. 

And we keep trusting God will bring light from the darkness.

Tonight.Tomorrow.Hard.Grateful :: 2/13/19 :: Post 519

Tonight I feel awful. Super nauseous. Super crampy. Super tired. Super angry with my body. 

Tomorrow I’m going to a cancer counselor for the first time since diagnosis. 

………………………………………………………………….

So many people in my life are hurting for so many reallllllllly hard reasons.

So much of my own hard is happening this week and I’m tired.

So much heaviness weighing on my heart.

…………………………………………………………………

But on my way home I was listing all that I am grateful for. 

(No Post for 2/13/20)