I’m allowing myself to have all of the feelings today. And wow, I’ve been all over the place. Content, grateful, hateful, grumpy, antsy, calm… full of frustration and full of grace, full of grief and full of peace… rip-my-hair-out insecure, barely-there bored and sponge-sopping contemplative. I have a bonkers week ahead and the day off to do nothing but feel has been so good. 

Today, I intentionally chose the experience of being human. It’s tempting to always fill up time with noise and things to do because with the quiet, with the slow, with the rollercoaster feelings, often shame abounds. ‘Why aren’t you doing more?’ ‘You know, you shouldn’t give in to the feelings because feelings lie to you.’ ‘You probably have better things to do, right?’ ‘Be careful to not be lazy.’ ‘Are you sure this isn’t a waste of time?’ ‘You don’t wanna miss out, do you?’ We all have experienced those messages, I’m sure, but what if we chose to believe…instead of those…that there is something so precious about the ability to quiet the life-noise and feel? 

Martin Luther King Jr. said something that I resonate with in a big way and have often written about it in my own style. He said, “There is nothing more tragic than to find an individual bogged down in the length of life, devoid of breadth.” I don’t want to return to the place where I choose the long view solely over the one that goes far deeper and reaches far wider. 

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to 
Friday: Am grateful for 
Saturday: Saw grace in

*Post 1023

Louder :: 1/18/18 :: Post 140

Today has been one of those days where I’ve wanted to scream “F” cancer a little louder than normal. 

It is tough to be out of commission for 7-10 days out of 21….the cycle is brutal and emotionally wrecking. Thankful that it is going to be over soon and I can experience a new rhythm…..difficult as it may be, it is still different. 

I cannot write anymore. I’m just too tired. My brain is done. 

I saw this on Facebook just now: “I’ve had enough todaying for today. I’m done.” 

Yup.

Bones :: 1/18/19 :: Post 493

The bone pain that I am experiencing is literally head to toe. 

I was combing my hair this morning and my skull was hurting. 

I took my first bite at lunch today and the inside -the bones- of my jaw hurt. 

I lay here in bed tonight and I ache. Everywhere. 

Blech. 

(No post for 1/18/20)