Today I chose to rename an emotion I was feeling. And by doing so, I clarified what was *actually* happening which was quite different than the original name I gave it. 

A friend texted and asked me how I was feeling. I quickly started texting the word ‘low’ but then slowed down and thought about that word. Was that actually how I was feeling? Not really…cuz I wouldn’t say I was sad or depressed or down, nor was I fearful or anxious. I was *something* but ‘low’?? 

Full? Yeah, maybe that’s closer?

At capacity? Getting there.

Consumed? Eh, not quite. But sort of?

With all that has been happening this week, on the heels of a wacky year, with family who is anxious and friends who are hurting, with parenting teenagers in this season and the depth of ‘I’ve never done this before’ that that reaches, with having to show up and be productive at work, with having my own thoughts and emotions around everything, with living in cancer survivorship and the filter that that adds…  

… . . .  .  .  . 

Heavy?

Yes. But heavy in a ‘saturated’ sort of way. ‘Saturated’ is a neutral word, it doesn’t presume negative or positive. It just is. And that is how I have been feeling today. The empath in me holding all of it all. With a fleeting wave of sadness here and there, yes. And with some waves of complete serenity, too. And with the worship playlist that I decided to listen to today (different than any other day because I typically cannot listen to music and work) finding its way into all of that, including the spaces that had void.  

Saturated. That’s it.

Saturated with all the things cancer is teaching me: the peace in ‘everything is temporary,’ the hope in ‘I am secure in where I’m going no matter when I get there’ and the grace in ‘nothing is wasted.’

Saturated.

Today, I chose to rename a feeling and in doing so, I chose a far more accurate experience.

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to 
Friday: Am grateful for 
Saturday: Saw grace in

*Post 1016

And Just Like That :: 1/11/18 :: Post 133

Another curveball. 

I was hoping for a repeat of yesterday. And silly me…thinking that because I had a good day, I’ll get another one right in a row. *eye roll. Nope. It was a really tough day. I hit my “wall” (that comes everyday…the timing of it is what is unpredictable)…anyways, I hit my wall on Speer Blvd. while driving into work today. Yup. That made for a really really really reeeeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy long day. I’m exhausted and feel dreadful.

The other thing that is heavy on my heart tonight – it is massively hard being sick.

Um…Of course, it’s hard being sick… 

But I’m talking about more than just not feeling well. I’m talking about the extreme vulnerability that comes with being sick…in addition to not feeling well. 

Conversations feel thorny. Conflicts feel treacherous. Relationships feel fragile. Decisions feel weightier….

Fear whispers louder. Trust is forced. Dependence is required….

The physical and emotional ability to protect oneself – radically compromised…. 

Having to ask for help is hard enough. Having to ask for help…over and over and over and overrrrrrrrrrr for months and months and months and monthssssssssss. Hard. I’m tired of needing so much. It is so hard to keep asking for help. I see the exhaustion in my husband’s eyes and body. I see a long road ahead of much of the same.And it feels impossible to truly express the immense gratitude I feel.

Tired :: 1/11/19 :: Post 486

It was a long week. 

(No post for 1/11/20)