Today I experienced grace in the smallest form.

I got to coach my kid’s volleyball team today and we played for almost 2 hours straight, this after a two hour practice last night. For a body wrecked by cancer, chemo, radiation, 10 surgeries and leftover nasty arthritis (at 41), that is a lot with not a lot of rest in between. 

(Which is dreadfully sad in and of itself but that’s for a different day…) 

Anyways, I woke up this morning dreading the long drive and the long 2 hours in the gym, not because I don’t enjoy coaching my kid and her friends, but because I knew my body was already hurting from last night and to turn right back around and be back in a gym, hyped up, energized, focused, being heard across a gym in a mask and coaching 12, 13, and 14 year olds was going to be  r o u g h. 

(Which sends me into a massive emotional funk because how dare cancer and my body’s weakness taint every-freaking-thing, especially one of my most favorite things.)

But something happened. The morning went by quickly, the girls played great, and before I realized it, it was time to head back home. Kristy Kreme donuts in hand … because when you drive down south and are near one of the only two in the whole state, you get some donuts even if they are bad for you … I thought to myself, ‘wow, that went fast and my body’s pain was not a distraction in the least and I was able to have so much fun. Thank you, adrenaline…for doing your job.’

So, in the smallest form but in the biggest way, the grace of adrenaline helped me get out of my broken body and engage in being fully present for my awesome kid and these awesome girls. That doesn’t happen every time therefore, I’m being intentional about calling that out. Broken body and all, some things still work right when they need to. And as I sit here tonight, fully (and I mean FULLY) aware of the intense pain that comes with coaching post-treatment, I am more grateful for that grace than ever.

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to 
Friday: Am grateful for 
Saturday: Saw grace in

*Post 1014

This :: 1/9/18 :: Post 131

One more day almost behind me. One more rough day. 

Round 5 has been different, just like the 4 that preceded it. Predictability has not graced us with its presence…I have yet to be able to have a head’s up of what’s coming. Each round has been dreadfully hard for different reasons. 

Sitting in the uncertainty of the next moment is exhausting. Wondering if this food is going to make me puke this time. Unsure if getting out of bed this time will invite a wave of dizziness and extreme nausea. Trying to determine if this is the time I need to run to the bathroom because puke is coming. 

Each time hoping that this isn’t that time. 

And each time hoping that this time was the last time. 

I don’t know why, but I feel like if the crap was predictable, it would be “easier” to endure. If I knew what was coming, I could better prepare for it, manage it and get through it.

Oh. Wait. 

As I write that, I’m reminded that everything 2017 taught me was how to sit in the unknown of the next moment … and to do that is to be in this moment. 

But why does this moment have to feel so torturously long?

Constant :: 1/9/19 :: Post 484

Talking to my acupuncturist today and I was describing how I’ve been doing and feeling. I told her I had had moments of really wonderful things. And I also told her that I’m tired. I don’t ever really get a break from the hard. I get up and I have to put myself together which is hard to do after chemo, radiation and 7 surgeries in 15 months….then it’s the crazy of getting 5 people out of the house….then it’s to work to do a very hard job….then it’s back home to a family that has many needs that require my presence and participation….then I have to undo myself and go to bed and I rarely sleep well which means I fight with the suckiness of it all even in the middle of the night. 

While I am literally constantly bombarded by the hard, there is such amazing beauty in all that I just listed. 

I have so much to be grateful for. 

(No post for 1/9/20 as I was taking some days off of writing early on in 2020)