Today I learned the difference between a peace-keeper and a peace-maker. At first glance, both seem like quality characteristics to strive towards but when you look at them deeper, there is a clear distinction of which one is far greater than the other. The word nerd in me loved it when my pastor spoke about this this morning…a small change in words with a significant impact. “A peace-maker brings something to the reconciliation table.”* A peace-keeper doesn’t bring anything other than their tentative selves to the table, “taking and keeping that which is offered.”* They may keep the peace but they don’t help make it. 

I appreciate this distinction because being a peace keeper is commendable, sure, as it is better than someone always looking for conflict, but it is the peace maker that chooses to find ways to be peace. And in order to be peace, other things have to exist – grace, mercy, open-mindedness, humility, compassion, empathy, bravery, courage, boldness and resilience. 

I learned today that cancer has laid an important foundation for me to live this out. It recalibrated me from the BC Amber that tended a different way. Cancer has brought me to the end of myself, causing a fatigue only cancer can cause and there have been times where literally nothing is left in the tank. It has been in these moments that I’ve learned that what comes easy are those peace-making things…those things don’t take energy, they don’t drain from the tank. I now have new words to describe what may be one of the most astounding life-lessons cancer has been teaching me: No matter how justified or well-intended my peace-keeping is, it only takes and keeps taking. 

On this day, the anniversary of the beginning of Round 5 [#chemosucks], when I felt like death and desperately wished for my last breath because I couldn’t imagine having the energy it would take to breathe the next, I can relate more than ever to the commitment to continue the practice, purposed and intentional, of peace-making.  

Today I learned the difference between a peace-keeper and a peace-maker. What did you learn today?

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to
Friday: Am grateful for
Saturday: Saw grace in

(*Quotes by Jason King)

*Post 1008

Faith and Fear :: 1/3/18 :: Post 126

Today was Round 5 Infusion. Glad it’s over. Glad that I can say I have one more hard chemo left before starting the “easier” ones. Glad that by the end of this month, I’ll have this difficult subchapter behind me. That feels good to say. 

That said, I’m anxious for the unknowns ahead. Since every round has been different, I have no idea what to expect. Each day remains uncharted. 

In a way that is freeing…I only have to focus on right now and handling what is occurring in this moment. On the other hand, it is one of the biggest challenges I face. Sitting in the unknown is scary…fear is a human experience that is both relative and incredibly relatable. And even though I choose to practice faith in a big God, I still experience fear.

The choice to not let fear become all consuming and debilitating is a difficult one. One that doesn’t necessarily come naturally. This choice requires consistent action (passivity is so much easier)… Prayer. Sharing my fears with God and others. Speaking the fears out loud so that they don’t start to create dangerous and untrue narratives in my head. Breathe in: “Yah”; Breathe out: “Weh” (literally breathing the name of God). Grounding myself to the present by putting my feet on the ground, taking in deep breaths into my lungs and then into my abdomen; or quieting my mind and emotions and then focusing on my physical body from my toes to my head. Positive self-talk. 

I also find myself anxious (and if I’m being really honest – fearful) about what comes after this…”surviorship” they call it. 

But more on that another time. I’m tired and wanting to go to sleep. (The steroids I have to take prior to chemo make sleeping very difficult. I slept maybe 3 hours total last night and instead found myself spinning in many directions and wanting to get up and do a whole bunch of stuff. I couldn’t even think or pray in a straight line… annoying).

So, again, here we go. Day by day. Moment by moment. Trying to actively choose faith over fear.

Escape :: 1/3/19 :: Post 478

When you’re claustrophobic in your own skin…..

(No post for January 3, 2020)