For the month of January, I’m going to try something that, if it works, I might continue each month throughout this year. In looking back over these last 1000+ posts, it occurred to me that within my own process, some themes have emerged, themes that speak to all that I’ve learned along the way. Themes that I want to hold close so that I can continue to live purposed. Themes that allow me to remain present. Maybe you’d like to participate, too? Perhaps you can use these as little writing prompts to help you remain present and purposed, as well? 

On Sundays, I’m going to write, “Today I learned…” 
On Mondays, “Today I chose (said yes/no to)…”
On Tuesdays, “Today I loved…”
On Wednesdays, “Today I prayed…”
On Thursdays, “Today I was challenged by/to…”
On Fridays, “Today I am grateful for…”
On Saturdays, “Today I see grace in…”

Some days will provide important perspective, some will have incredible insight, some will be basic and seemingly simple…but all will hold deep significance. So, today, Friday, January 1, 2021: Today I am grateful for family that also counts as friends. I married into one of the most incredible family units and while it hasn’t always been flowers and rainbows, we love each other – those that are born siblings and those that have married in. Time together is full of laughter and joy, friendship and affection. And today, we got the spend the day together. I wasn’t originally going to go but changed my mind at the last minute and I’m so very glad I did. 

*Post 1006

A New Year :: 1/1/18 :: Post 124

And just like that, it’s a New Year. Yesterday was the last day of probably the hardest year of my life to date. 

A quick review: 

January 1, 2017 I saw a picture on facebook that forever changed my soul. My past and my present collided in a way that made no sense to my limited human understanding. I had to engage in the hardest conversations ever. I chose to participate in the most difficult healing journey of my heart. 
February…March…April…May… These months were identity shifting as things with my job were in flux. Difficult meetings, hard circumstances, a new job role, learning new work relationships…all while serving very difficult clients in very difficult chapters of their stories. 
June – finding a lump and hoping it would go away. 
July – the intense emotional rollercoaster of an incredibly fun family vacation, finding a second lump and knowing in my heart something was very wrong and seeing my biological ½ sister and her family and my biological father and his wife for the first time in 17 years… 
August 15 was the day that I amazingly survived a serious car accident where I was hit from behind into the path of an oncoming semi. The year had been a series of figurative semis ripping through me and here was a literal semi ripping off my front tire and the front part of my car. If that semi had hit me a second earlier, I would either be dead or paralyzed, I’m sure of it, as it would have impacted my driver’s side door and crushed me. 
August 25 was the day that I was diagnosed with breast cancer and flung into the scariest storm of my life. The speed in which everything unfolded was dizzying, the information we had to take in and the sense we had to make of it all – mind numbing. The fear we encountered. The unknowns of the road ahead. The massively heavy decisions we were asked to make and the trust we had to blindly walk in…astounding. And these things have continued and will continue for years to come. 
September 8 my body lost a significant part of itself and I began a journey of identity transformation.
October 9 began the subchapter of chemotherapy and all that would bring (and keep bringing) with it. Round after round. Life altering lessons. Physical, emotional, spiritual pain and suffering, joy and sorrow, grief and growth. 
October 24 will forever be seared into my memory as I sat in a chair at a wig salon and had my head shaved. I learned how to take care of a bald scalp that had never seen the light of day. I learned how to put on a wig…because I have a 2 year journey ahead of wig-wearing…because I have cancer…
November – I was bald for my birthday. Thanksgiving was awful. The depth of lessons learned, beyond belief.
December…the reflection of a difficult year (understatement), the acknowledgement of another difficult year coming, Christmas, a wedding anniversary, Chris’s birthday…My most favorite four months of the year forever stained. And a Christmas tree bug infestation to boot…that left white carpet stained with purple bug guts. How interestingly illustrative………..

As I sit here and reflect on what’s been, I am ever more convinced that if it weren’t for God creating resilience, this year would have been the end of me. 

Through the pain, much has been learned: 

:: Predicting the future is impossible. And energy is wrongly expended on finite human vision. 
:: Prescribing how to navigate predicted experiences is limited and shortsighted.
:: Learning how to be truly present, learning how to literally be where my feet are, learning how to walk out faith in a God that has far greater vision than me.
:: Understanding priorities and where I was so misguided.
:: Trusting that the pain has purpose…and it’s not to render me immobile, rather it is to strengthen and inspire.
:: I must be careful of the narrative I choose to write for myself. I must be careful of the truths I think are truth. I must be careful of the way my own interpretations skew reality. 
:: The storms will come. The bridges will emerge. The unknowns will materialize. No amount of “prettier faith” or “more eloquent prayers” or “perfect predictions” will make the storms/bridges/unknowns easier…instead – choosing (even when I don’t want to) to trust a bigger God to follow through on His promises that He will make all things good. He didn’t say ‘easy’, He said good…meaning for my benefit. 
:: Faith will be challenged and tested and put through the fire. It is up to me to come out refined… 
:: Acceptance is a lot of things and it doesn’t have to mean that everything is okay. 
:: Authenticity is a choice that requires vulnerability and it’s not easy.
:: Grace and mercy have a new look. A deeper meaning. A clarity that has come through my excruciating pain. 
:: Quietness and being able to sit in it is a gift.
:: I have been challenged to redefine much: identity, beauty, femininity, intimacy, relationships, self-worth, self-esteem, priorities, faith, time, trust, human capacity, God capacity, investment of self, authenticity, vulnerability, grace, mercy, boundaries, resilience, acceptance, God’s goodness, gratitude…

Today is the first day of a new year and while I have a vision of what 2018 will be…there is much unknown. So instead of predicting an easier year, I am simply going to be where my feet are today because I don’t actually know what tomorrow holds. 

Lord Jesus, go before me and also walk with me. I will try and remember to trust your promises.

I Will Continue :: 1/1/19 :: Post 476

I will continue

It’s 2019…….. 2017 and 2018 were the hardest years of my life. While I’m grateful for all I’ve learned and I’m grateful for the transformation that has been born out of trauma, I’m weary of the difficult road. Something that has run through my mind a lot recently has been the saying, “brave girl, you can do hard things”….. Yup. I can. And I’d be wrong to think I’m all done with hard things. So, what’s next?…

That’s just it… Just because I’m battling cancer doesn’t mean I get out of other hard things. Just because I’ve had other awful traumas occur doesn’t mean I get out of other hard things.

I’m trying not to live in fear but rather understand that because I can do hard things, I can weather the storms that come. I am hopeful, as I fully expect more difficulties lie ahead, that I will continue to practice presence even when escaping is easier. I will continue to choose to fully engage in the process even when the process is excruciating. I will continue to walk in faith that there is purpose in the pain. 

And that in the midst of the storms, I will continue to adjust my sails.

No Post for 1/1/20