Following yesterday’s post I’ve gotten some feedback regarding fear. I don’t blame them for wondering and I’m grateful they reach out rather than sit in their own presumptions about how I actually feel. 

As I read “don’t live in fear…” initially I thought, “they’re right. I shouldn’t be fearful. But I am? I shouldn’t be, but I am.” When I actually heard my own words, “but I am,” I was offering my own self a choice – give in to the ‘should’ and disregard my real feelings or give myself the permission to feel afraid. 

I mean, why can’t I be? Cancer is wretched. 

Why should I be so quick with the pat-Christian answer, why should I be so quick to dismiss a very real and very valid fear?! So…

They’re right. I am living with some fear. I’m actually not going to deny that and instead, I’m going to agree. I fear for that phone call. I fear for having to endure treatment again. I fear for the unknowns of a recurrence and the prognosis that would follow. I fear for what my husband and children would face with me. My mom and dad. My family and friends. I absolutely fear. Because what I’m enduring is brutal. What we’re enduring is brutal. And it’s wreaking havoc in ways that I wish on no one. Cancer isn’t just a word for us…

But there is a difference in living ‘in’ fear and living ‘with’ fear….

I don’t live ‘in’ fear in that I am paralyzed from gratitude or joy, love or happiness. I deeply experience all of these things especially now. If I am living ‘in’ fear, I can’t see them or feel them, stuck ‘in’ the pit, but because I acknowledge that the fear of recurrence exists and is valid, I then live ‘with’ it. Just like I say cancer is both a companion and a monster…I can hold both fear and fullness together because I remain in the mindset of ‘with.’ And, also, by acknowledging it as present in my life, by not arguing against the fact that there is fear inherent in a cancer diagnosis, I believe I actually remove its power to paralyze. Having fear doesn’t lessen my faith or my fortitude (it may actually increase it), it doesn’t diminish my view of God’s sovereignty (it may actually deepen it), it doesn’t reflect negativism or hopelessness (though it does reflect realism). 

Of course, I say all of this knowing that what I wrote yesterday sure sounds like it paralyzes when the phone rings…my breathing stops, my heart pounds… but it’s a momentary trauma response that doesn’t last forever. (Turns out that the body holds trauma often separate of the health of the mind and spirit.) And I don’t sit around waiting for the phone to ring…that’s living ‘in’ not ‘with.’

*Post 996

What Else :: 12/22/17 :: Post 115

Came home to a Christmas tree that was infested with bugs. And the bugs were everywhere in our living room, dining room and kitchen.

So we spent all night clearing the tree, removing it from the house and vacuuming and cleaning up the bugs. 

And Christmas 2017 will be without a tree. 

What else, 2017. What. Else. 

Thread :: 12/22/18 :: Post 466

My heart is so heavy tonight. 

And I feel like a broken record of blah. 

My body hurts. My spirit of resilience is weary. My hopefulness is waning. 

And I’m hanging by a worn thread. 

But it’s a thread nonetheless and I’ll grip it as tightly as I can for another day. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 22 :: 12/22/19 :: Post 830

Tonight, I prioritized watching a Christmas movie with my girls. I’m too tired to write much more and I’m not feeling particularly well (I may have gotten the cold that seems to be going around)… So, my living changed tonight isn’t connected to a body part, instead it is just the simple concept of saying ‘yes’ to things that I may have said ‘no’ to before.

Yes to my girls. Yes to a movie. Yes to bedtime because I don’t feel well.