Do you ever ask yourself ‘Why?’… Why do I do the things I do. Why do I feel the way I feel? Why do I say the things I say?
When you answer yourself, do you answer with justifications? With self-validations? With excuses? I sometimes do. Sometimes it’s on purpose because I don’t want to face the reality that I may actually be wrong and need to change. And sometimes I’m unwilling to admit that I may not be accurately representing what I say with what I feel or do, or feel with what I do or say, or do with what I say or feel…
Sometimes it’s unintentional because I simply don’t slow down enough to ask ‘why’ before I do, feel or say.
I’m going to take time this week to be very purposeful in asking myself ‘why.’ But even more, I’m going to be purposeful in paying attention to how I answer. Am I making an excuse? Am I being honest with myself? Am I practicing what I preach or preaching what I am practicing…and do either of those need to be refined by a humble ability to receive feedback?
I know it’ll take thought. And intention. And time. But I don’t have to give in to the ‘rush’ that seems to plague the times. It’s so cliché, but ‘do I say what I mean and do I mean what I say’ couldn’t be simpler. What’s hard is the slow down in order to do so and the true humility to admit that all feedback is actually relevant.
Might you benefit from the same practice?
*Post 989
A Day Skipped :: 12/15/17 :: Post 108
I was asleep last night by 6:45 and besides getting up to go to the bathroom throughout the night, I had no issue sleeping solidly till this morning.
The fatigue of chemo is like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. My body aches. My eyes are tired. My brain is foggy. Having a conversation requires a massive amount of effort. The short walk from my chair to the bathroom feels like a mile. Picking up my computer is hard…thinking and putting sentences together are harder. Washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup – I have to take little breaks where I sit down throughout my ‘getting ready’ routine because I have such little strength.
It has been such an interesting lesson in human capacity. And letting go. And being ‘ok’ when all I want to do is the exact opposite of everything.
Ugh :: 12/15/18 :: Post 459
Chemo brain. Sucks.
Living Changed Head to Toe Day 15 :: 12/15/19 :: Post 823
There is such a wide range of emotions happening tonight… I had such a full weekend and I’m so tired I can’t even see straight. My body hurts, my feet are throbbing, my joints are screaming, my stomach is upset and I’ve cried…several times. While I’m heavy from the weight of exhaustion, though, I am also happy and full of gratitude. I’m so grateful cancer didn’t remove my joy of this time of year. I remember when I was diagnosed thinking about how sad I was that it was all happening during my most favorite time of the year and how I thought maybe it would turn me bitter during the last four months of each year to come (if I even made it to see any additional years for that matter…) But there is no bitterness. There are difficult memories, certainly, but I have learned how to acknowledge the difficult memories at the same time of being open to new ones….I can hold both.
Today was the Annual Prekajac Cookie Exchange…and it is always an amazing time with family…laughter, delicious food, creative crafting, time together, generosity of spirit and of course, cookies of all kinds. I’m incredibly grateful to be here for another one. So, despite my extreme exhaustion, my heart is full of joy for the time spent with some of my most important people.
As I continue my ‘living changed from head to toe’ theme, I talked yesterday about my hands. Today, I will mention that chemo destroys nails and there was a time where I didn’t think my nails would ever return to normal. They hurt and peeled and were so weak that it felt like they were barely there. And anyone who knows me knows that I always have nice nails…it has actually been self-care for me…the quiet time when I give myself a little manicure, the rest it provides because I can’t mess up newly painted nails…. And then cancer destroyed them. It was just one more thing about being feminine that cancer took from me. I’m grateful they have come back, mostly normal, and I can keep my self-care practices in-tact. But what I’ve learned in all of this: 1. Even things as small as fingernails are things I took for granted. 2. Chemo is really mean. 3. It is really strange to have this as my story and in turn, be completely changed…and yet, on the outside, if you didn’t know me, you’d never know the road I’ve walked.