My heart isn’t in the greatest place to write tonight. Ugh. There is so much there but stringing words together would mean that I’d have to have some sort of sense …. Any sense about any thing. And while I don’t really know anything about any thing tonight, I just know I hurt. My body hurts. My heart hurts. My head hurts. 

The only words I can put on a page that capture the fog I am in is that I am an alien….foreign in my own home. In my own space and time. In my own body. 

*Post 980

Noise :: 12/6/17 :: Post 100

As I sit in the quiet, there is much noise. 

Kids. Being loud.
Music. 
Chris is snapping his gum. 
A bathroom fan. 
The faint sound of a TV show. 
Annie spinning in a spinny chair. And humming. 
Chris is singing. 
“I’m overwhelmed”
“This week has been hard”
“I’m always tired”
“Eating is hard”
“Working while fighting cancer is really hard. But I’m thankful I can work”
“4 is almost here. I’m glad but also, I’m not”
“How do I listen in the midst of all of the noise”

Hair :: 12/6/18 :: Post 452

Tonight I went to a hair appointment. And she advised me to cut my hair to control the growing out process. And I fought it at first. 

And then I decided to listen. And experience all that this experience is. Having my hair cut feels really hard. But then I realized that I really don’t hold anything too tightly anymore. Including my hair. 

So…cut it. Make this grow-out process all that it needs to be. Even if it’s hard. 

And then as I was leaving, another hair expert, one that has short purple hair (which I love), asked me if I plan to grow my hair out. I told her yes. She told me she likes my hair short and that I should consider keeping it that way. It’s interesting hearing that from someone who’s whole career is hair. Hmmmmmm. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Days 5 and 6 :: 12/6/19 :: Post 814

Yesterday I had another reconstructive surgery and it was a doozy. Usually those surgeries are 2 hours at most…yesterday’s was close to 6 (I think…). My plastic surgeon and I agreed that it was the last one so he did everything he could. We replaced both implants and did a bunch of fat grafting…and that translates to a crap-ton of pain. After a restless night of pained sleep, I woke up this morning thinking, “how weird that I’ve chosen this path…why would I choose such pain just to have mounds of fat pretend to be boobs. But then, what were my alternatives? I wasn’t able to do only implants right away (because of radiation) and my only other option was doing nothing and using prosthetics….” And then the thought right after that was, “cancer, I hate you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have had to make this decision at all.” Sometimes I look down and feel like a fraud because from the outside, you wouldn’t know the battle I’m fighting and that directly impacts my commitment to authenticity. …ugh. It’s all so confusing. 

Anyways…

Living changed from head to toe, day 5 and 6 – When I went to my chemo class (yes, there was such a thing before I started chemo), we discussed what I could expect from treatment. The nurses said, “Everyone does really well with your type of treatment regimen, it’s actually one of the easier chemo cocktails and if you do end up struggling, we have great medications that will help.” We also discussed the hair loss that comes with certain chemos, (of which was my kind). They mentioned I’d lose my hair, from head to toe. Literally. I even lost my nose hair (which resulted in daily nose bleeds). And they assured me that while I would lose my eyelashes and eyebrows, they are the last to go and the first to come back. First of all, my “chemo cocktail” (oh how I hate that phrase) was dreadful and certainly not easy (I was one of the rare ones) AND the medication they gave me to ‘help’ ended up making everything worse (because again, I was one of the rare ones) AND my nose hair, eyelashes and eyebrows did not in fact come back first…it took them FOREVER to come back. Cancer took my boobs, took my hair, took my eyelashes…it took everything feminine from me and I have had to redefine so much about myself. My reality – I continue on a Mt-Everest-type-climb to figure out who I am in the midst of cancer loss. Even though I have hair, eyebrows and eyelashes back, the trek is far from over. So, I commit to living changed by continuing to redefine my identity, my femininity, myself.