BTDT. Gaslighting. Relentlessness. Get real.

“Been there. Done that.” 

So…I hear this all of the time and it annoys me every single time. This cliché sends a message that life events exist one-dimensionally, that they are singular experiences or like, locations on a map. That they are ‘Life Lesson Check Boxes’ that once checked, no further attention is required. It also sends a message that life events are “get-over-able.” It even puts life events on a success scale, rating our lives on some spectrum of goodness dependent on what kind of events occur (as if we have control over them all) and how we handle all the said life events. And what’s really troublesome. . . is that this statement creates unmanageable expectations for what life really, actually, is. 

Often, I encounter the stories of others and consistently I hear “I just want to be all better” or “How do I heal from this?” or “When this is all over…” as if All Better, Healed, Done With are final destinations. I don’t fault anyone for saying these things or having these expectations because gosh, we are surrounded by messaging that create such constructs, like ‘been there, done that.’ It’s time to move on…Time heals all wounds…Forgive and forget…Don’t focus on the past…Get over it…That’s all behind you now… These sentiments each causing us to think that the significant experiences in life are one-and-dones. 

And…

I’d even go so far as to say some of these statements are gaslighting us. Making us feel weak, less-than, or shameful if we can’t move on or if we can’t heal our wounds or if we can’t forgive or if we can’t forget or if we can’t get over our past or if we can’t leave things behind or if the lived experiences we have are ongoing and we can’t see an end to them. 

Even more… what about when we CHOOSE (gasp, how dare we) to not move on, to not forgive, to not forget; when we CHOOSE (gasp, how dare we) to honor our past, to accept there is no amount of time that will erase, heal, undo. Not because we are weak, or playing victim, or incapable of hope, but because we are realists, authentic, and honest (all attributes of strength, btw) about what it is to live as humans. 

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R E L E N T L E S S S S S S S . . .

The more I live life and the more I walk with others in theirs (as a daughter, wife, mom, friend, coach, counselor, survivor), the more I am convinced that it is far healthier to acknowledge life as relentless. We don’t arrive at All Better. Healing isn’t a check box. I’m There…That’s Done With…It’s All Good Now don’t exist. Rather the truth (and likely an unpopular opinion) is that lived experiences are forever experiences. 

I’ve shared this story before, but there was this one day in the throes of chemo that I had a stark realization: If I survive this cancer it’s not likely my one-and-done. I’m probably not getting a “get out of jail free card” because I have cancer. I am not now absolved from any other significant life event because of this one. And that’s when this whole reality hit me. Little did I know at that time that surviving cancer would turn chronic for me, giving me even more reason to learn how to appropriately manage my expectations and consider exactly this which I am writing about today.

Life is relentless. I haven’t yet heard a person’s story that has only one life event or lived experience in it. I talk with people every single day both in my personal life and in my professional life who are traversing through lives full of mountain tops, valleys, clear directions, mazes, ease, hardships, gain, loss, life, death and NONE of these things are singular, NONE of these things are complete in and of themselves, NONE of these things are separate from all of the others. Instead, everyone I talk to describes their life as interwoven tapestries of knots and strings attached and complex stitching.

Therefore…

It is here IN this reality that I keep learning that the BothAnds…grief and joy, loss and hope, pain and purpose, failure and celebration, gloom and gratitude, misery and relief, broken and well…are much more realistic and far more gracious. 

It is here IN this reality that I can manage my expectations more healthily. That I don’t need to strive for the unattainable forever of All Better, rather I can experience feeling good when not everything is good. I can honor my 40% as the best I can offer today when tomorrow it might be 70%, and that then on the rare occasion that 100% is possible, I don’t have to then expect 100% 100% of the time. 

It is here IN this reality that I can encounter wellness when full restoration isn’t possible in human form. Where I can claim and cling to hope that healing can happen even if it’s not complete or absolute or final. That healing doesn’t equate to ‘done with.’ That healing is ongoing so when days hit where I feel I’ve regressed, regression can still be progress. And that by accepting all of this, I am not defeatist. 

🌟It is here IN this reality that I can live not as a failure or that I am doing life all wrong, but that I can live fully and authentically and compassionately human.

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April’s Message

Life is relentless. Tell me I’m wrong?! We don’t arrive at All Better or Healed or Done With and get to stay there. I’ve not met one human who has argued either point. And though this is a harsh reality that can certainly sound despairing, hope and joy and gratitude and wellness can absolutely exist here with the reality of ‘the next thing is coming.’ And by believing this, we might actually fare better as life keeps, well, …..life-ing. 

❓What would it do for you if you, too, amended your expectations on what it is to “feel all better” or “be all healed?” 
❓What would it do for you if you, too, adjusted your understanding of the full spectrum of life’s lived experiences? 
❓What would it do for you if you, too, removed the pressure of living a life of check boxes and destinations?

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As always, thanks for reading. See you next month! 💙

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