- A SERIES: #ThisIsSurvivorship
- From the Desk Of a Cancer Surviving Life Coach
- How to Help A Cancer Patient
- Poetry
I Didn’t Shave My Head Because I Was Brave
A Problematic Metaphor
We realllllllly don’t like the out-of-control feeling it is to not understand something. We don’t like it when things don’t make sense. We get antsy and prickly when we can’t explain purpose or meaning, when we can’t connect the dots to create something recognizable. We feel suffocated by the goop of the unknown (I’m picturing Mr. Incredible when he gets captured, those ominous sticky, tar-like pellets as they expand to engulf him, to render him immovable).
Fair point, I’d say?
Because of our discomfort, we get really good at rationalizing things. At “inventing plausible explanations for acts, opinions, etc., that are actually based on other causes.” We want to rescue ourselves from that smothering goop. But unfortunately, our rationalizations are often inaccurate; shortsighted and narrowminded and misguided.
The perfect example of this is the very popular metaphor of the brave soldier at war with cancer – “So-and-so lost their battle with cancer,” or “You can beat this” or “God chooses His strongest soldiers to fight His hardest battles.” The mere idea of “surviving” even insinuates the battle mindset. And then there is this atrocity, this popular cancer quote: “you can be a victim of cancer or a survivor of cancer, it’s a mindset.” (Just no. Please never ever say that to someone who has cancer.)
On the surface, this metaphor may seem empowering. But if you dig into it, even just a little, you’ll start to see where it all goes wrong.
*If you happen to be a cancer patient that appreciates this metaphor, this is not intended to invalidate your feelings. We are entitled to doing cancer however we can/want/need to do it. Please do not take personal offense as that is not my intention. My intention is to communicate how this metaphor may perpetuate adverse expectations and to challenge all of us to consider other ways to help non-patients understand the cancer experience.
If Cancer Is My War
Because if cancer is my war
What then is comradeship? Solidarity?
What then is it when cancer doesn’t end?
What then is hope when it’s said be found only in strength and victory?
I am not my own enemy.
I will not be relieved of duty as this doesn’t end.
I do not have to display my prowess by winning some divinely designated war.
I did not choose cancer. I did not cause cancer. Cancer is not a war.
Because if cancer is my war
What then is the right way to fight?
What then is the amount one must give?
What then is the mark of a hero – to live or to die?
I am not “earning” my stripes by having it.
I am not a “better warrior” because I said yes to treatment.
I am not winning at cancer because I haven’t (yet) “lost” the battle.
I did not choose cancer. I did not cause cancer. Cancer is not a war.
What Then Do We Call It?
I did not shave my head because I was brave, I did it because chemo killed my hair. (Today is the anniversary of that wretched experience. UGH) I did not decide to do treatment or surgeries or not to do hormone blockers because I was strong, I was forced to make choices because choices were forced. Here in survivorship where I hurt 100% of the time, I don’t get up every day because I’m heroic, I do it because while I have breath in my lungs, I’ll get up and because one day, I won’t anymore. Us cancer patients do cancer because we got that phone call. We show up, sometimes exhausted and weak, sometimes strong and ready, sometimes anywhere in between, and do what needs to be done however we can/want/decide to. And I promise you, if your feet are ever in similar shoes (though I hope never), you will show up too, and do what needs to be done however you can/want/decide to do it. It doesn’t need to be likened to a war to be motivated to do so, so just call it what it is. It’s cancer. Many treat it. Many choose not to. Many live with the impacts of it. Many die because of it. Many learn a lot in it. Many offer hope to others in their authentic experience with it.
PS. I’m curious, because I look at “both” sides of things, how those individuals who have fought in real life wars feel about war as a metaphor. . .
And as always, thank you for reading. 💛
This breaks my momma heart.
I remember years ago Andrew Weil saying something like/ don’t fight cancer- let your body mind rest & heal, build itself up… not waste it on fighting… (it was to that effect)
I love & agree with your writings / sweet Amber xo
💛 thank you for encouraging me. And yes, this approach feels more in line w being kind to my body. I have such a hard relationship with it bc I’ve been at war with it. :/ I’m working on it.
My initial approach and continued approach has always been what I call a War, battle’s fought some lost some won. And I consider raging war against a disease that has attacked my body. How ever I dislike the idea of soldiers been used and earning stripes.
I see this as an individuals choice but I also agree fully with you. It’s a questionable approach but it makes me comfortable.
Positivity is also a vital ingredient in fighting cancer, it will not destroy cancer but it helps both from a mental health and a way to control side effects. The idea of brave is as you pointed out distasteful- it is more in my view motivation & the absolute need to survive cancer and the damage Chemotherapy, radiotherapy along with multiple procedures can cause.
But my fight with cancer even though it was personal & private I decided to write about it because in 2014 I couldn’t find anything be negative post. It was a difficult decision and even now I have considered stopping my articles. I am in the process of writing a very lengthy blog about Mental Health which could be one of the last articles I will write and yes I will be using war in the context .
But the main topic “Should Battlefield language be used “ I feel it’s a personal choice if it helps the psychology approach or any approach that empowers a person’s attitude towards a successful outcome.
I do enjoy your articles, you make great points in every one of them.
Thank you for your thoughtful response! And yes, I’d agree that we each get to do our cancer however we can and want.
I think for me the metaphor has worked to help me find the grit I’ve needed to just keep showing up. But by and large it has made my relationship w my body and my mental health quite messy and difficult to reconcile. I think that’s why I struggle most. I have such a tenuous relationship with myself and a lot of it has been because I’m warring within.
I look forward to reading your possible final piece. There’s so much we can all learn from each other.