Chemotherapy may in fact be one of the most wretched human experiences. I mean it is literal poison. And yet it is also this magic potion that has the power to extend lives. It creates symptoms that are often debilitating (it is poison…) and yet it is such a great feeling to get to the next infusion. Yes, please inject poison into my veins again so that I will feel like absolute you-know-what for the next many days because, well, I want to live. It’s such a confusing thing. 

I remember sitting in my infusion chair that first round (today is the anniversary of that day, by the way). I remember thinking this all was so surreal. Cancer. Me. Chemo. Bald. Sick. Young. What if. Oncology. Life. Platinum. Aggressive cancer. Aggressive treatment. I was spinning in the muck of “I can’t believe this is happening” and “I’m so glad I made it to today.” The day that would start the treatment that I so desperately feared but so desperately wanted. Because I wanted to live. And I remember every round after that, 17 of them, I felt the exact same way. It never made sense to be so glad for something so brutal. 

The price I pay to stay alive is beyond comprehension. 

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I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but it’s October. . .#breastcancerawareness month. My all-time most difficult month of the entire year. So, that in mind, I wanted to share with you, from the breast cancer #patientperspective FOUR things.

One.

First, what I wish October really stood for: Genuine desire for awareness – 

• ALL cancer gets attention – ALL kinds, ALL stages, ALL patients and survivors and caregivers!
• Color doesn’t matter. Cancer does. 
• Honoring cancer patients by helping them tell their story and then being impacted by their stories. 
• Supporting organizations that *actually* give to patients or *actually* give to science, and certainly not limited to just breast cancer.

But what October has turned into: “Awareness” for show – 

• Cheesy slogans and tacky images.
• Google and you’ll see that many of the companies who raise funds don’t actually give that much to patients or to research. Instead, the monies raised line the pockets of the CEOs and make the company meet their profit margins for the year. Funny enough, one of the worst offenders is the Susan G Komen organization. “Funny”. . . and not haha funny.
• Insurance companies lighting up their buildings “in solidarity” but actually denying coverage for life-saving treatments. 
• Focus is on early stage or prevention, but not enough attention given to the full spectrum, to advanced stage disease, metastatic disease, survivorship, caregiver wellness. . .

Unfortunately, the second one is far more prevalent than the first. I am grateful for those in my life who think of me when October rolls around every year. But by and large, October wrecks me. My cancer is monetized. Sloganized. Trivialized. Sexualized. Manipulated. Exploited. MISREPRESENTED. 

Two.

Second – October undermines the camaraderie of cancer patients. Those of us with breast cancer often feel too exposed and used for a money-making message, so we hide away for the month, not wanting to be harmed by the attention and not wanting to be a part of the harm that harms those not in our kind of cancer. Those with different kinds of cancer feel ignored, undervalued, and invisible; like their cancer doesn’t matter because it’s not as “pretty” as boobs are. So what happens? There is tension. And that isn’t fair. None …and I mean NONE… of us in cancer …of ANY kind… want to be here and the very last thing we need is to have our very community divided. 

Three.

Third – October floods my inboxes with money requests to XYZ company who now claims to care by making their logo pink. My trauma is in a constant state of triggered as my social media turns pink with images of perfect breasts behind pretty pink shirts, the camera zooming in for just the right amount of focus on the boobs while the faces of those women are missing from the photo; “Save the pumpkins” with hands suggestively placed; “save second base”; dogs with balloons around their necks with “get your puppies checked”; or “let’s shoot out cancer” with a picture of the target(s) being boobs…each of these reducing the person to their body parts. And then for an extra horrendous trigger – Here, look at this really gorgeous model in a pink lacy get-up showing off her gorgeous near-naked body and perky breasts “doing her part to show boobs matter.” Because boobs sell. 

No. Just no.

I want to run and hide.
My worth is not in my body (and what a dreadfully disgusting misogynistic attitude this perpetuates).
I want my fellow carcinomies to know I do not prescribe to this travesty that breast cancer awareness has become.
I want real patients to be financially supported, not already-rich CEOs.
I want research to actually be funded so those amazing scientists can find breakthroughs for ALL cancers.
I want my story and the story of all of my fellow cancer friends to be louder than the pictures of the posed, perfectly breasted woman who is touching herself, or the dogs or the gun-range target.
I want my friends who have advanced stage and metastatic disease to be included even though the insurance companies want to stop paying for their lives.
I don’t want to be resented because I have breast cancer.
I don’t want to resent other patients because they don’t.
I want cancer to have a HUMAN meaning, not an exploited one or a diminished one or a gimmicky one.

Four.

Finally – Change the way you October. If you know a cancer patient or survivor or caregiver, ask them about their experience. Empathize and listen. Don’t ‘at least’ them. Don’t argue with their version because their version makes you uncomfortable. If they are “still talking about it” years later, LET THEM…Grief doesn’t have an end date. If you have the financial capacity to give, do your research before you give – 990’s are public record, or give to a patient you personally know. If you can’t give, that’s okay please don’t feel shame. Wear whatever color you want as you honor someone you know in whatever cancer they have. Go to your doctor, but more – pay attention to your body and your mind. And don’t limit any of these things to just October. 

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Thank you. 

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