Part 2 of 2 of “The Overwhelm”
Welp. That occasion is today…I’m smack-dab in overwhelming overwhelm. The headspace I’ve been in this week has been ROUGH. I truly feel like I’m living in the visual I painted in Part 1 with the fog and the fear and the current diminished visibility of life. And it feels miserable. So, to practice my own coping skill, I’ve pulled some fog out of the air and named it: Discouragement. Confusion. Anger. Stuck-ness. I’m discouraged because none of the steps I’ve been taking are taking me where I thought I’d be going; I feel like I am going backwards or in circles. I’m confused because I don’t know how or where to take a next step because so far, my “next best steps” have felt futile. I’m angry because cancer ruins and wrecks; because life is such an effing mystery; because my efforts have returned void; because I am not getting (or even seeming to make progress on) that which I am working on, dreaming for, pursuing. And I’m stuck because if I can’t do it all, how do I decide what to do at all??! Time/energy/capacity is at a premium and how to invest it doesn’t come with a predicted or even experienced ROI… UGH.
Naming them is the first step…
Now for ‘is it true?’
My reality – cancer. From the literal second I heard, “you have cancer,” e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g changed. Before that second, I had had a pretty clear view of my life. I could see where I was going and was able to project into the future what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go. I could easily answer the, “where do I see myself in X number of years?” question. I could predict my ROI and almost always up to that point, I’d been right. And then my car accident shook that up some. And then 10 days later when I got the official phone call, I was done-for. The fog engulfed me. Instantaneously.
That was almost 5 years ago now. But ever since, I’ve existed in perpetual fog. Most of the time, I feel like it’s a 60-ish% gray – not great, but manageable. Then there is the occasional day where it lessens significantly to a 30% gray and those are gloriously sunny days. And then there are times where it hits 90% and I can barely breathe. Yesterday, it hit 100%. I literally couldn’t do anything but sit on my bed and stare at the wall.
In this perpetual foggy place, cancer teaches me things – 1. I have to be very intentional about how I allocate my capacity because time, energy, and relationships are far more precious than previously valued. 2. Self-care is paramount for honoring the lesson in #1. 3. I no longer get the luxury of starting my day at full capacity. Thanks Cancer Monster. 4. Life still requires me to function, sometimes at a capacity level I can’t even reach, which is what makes surviving so challenging. And so misunderstood. 5. The best I can do is show up and do my best with what I have and what I know.
With all that in mind then, how in the heck do I reconcile all of these things!?! How do I simplify life to ‘showing up and doing my best’ when I also need to be able to make decisions that lend to forward progress? How do I make forward progress when all I have capacity for is showing up and standing in one place? It’s nearly impossible to simultaneously live 5 minutes at a time and strategize for progress?!? UGH.
So yes, these feelings are ‘true,’ (aka ‘fair’ and ‘reasonable’) based on my reality.
How does that help me?
First, knowing these things, being able to name them, attach truth to them, and authentically call them what they are is not a “fix” for them, no, but I’ll tell ya, even having these words typed out (as confusing as they remain), feels better than having no words at all and staring at a wall. I understand myself a little better which makes the fog a little less foggy.
Next, I believe it’s helpful to show that I’m a Life Coach who authentically struggles with the same things my clients struggle with. I choose to transparently practice what I preach and try the coping skills that I teach. I show up and live life genuinely and don’t pretend I’m an expert at life…cause who is?! I grow my own emotional intelligence by allowing the undone to be undone and I learn how this process doesn’t always turn out specific answers to check the box off. Maybe in all of this, the whole point for me was to remember and re-practice grace because shame is such a destructive force.
Finally, with this grace in mind, I ask myself one final question: [Acknowledging my valid feelings] and [accepting I can only control my attitude and effort], what is one thing I will do? And if I believe that that one thing is *always* progress, then progress is progress, no matter how small.
What is my one thing today? Writing these posts. They’ve been very therapeutic and clarifying.
#relatable #tryit #mentalhealth #tricksofthetrade