Live Out of Intention Not Out of Excuse
As promised from last week’s post, here is a story to bring this excuses/explanations subject across the finish line.
Several years ago, I found myself very unhappy with my job. I wasn’t unhappy with the work I was getting to do, mind you, but unhappy with my job. (That holds a significance for later…) So, after a particularly bad day, I went home and wrote a resignation letter. It sure was easy to write and I was 🤏🏼 to sending it, but something in me just couldn’t click ‘send.’ As easy as it was to write, I was far from settled on taking that next step. I wanted out of the unhappiness of the job, but I was not ready to give up the joy in the work… So, I was at a stalemate. Why did I want to resign? Why was I unhappy? Why did I find joy in the work but not in the job?
My answers were very interesting. I was unhappy because of my boss. I didn’t like how they lead the organization. I didn’t like how they showed respect or the lack thereof. I was disappointed that I was never heard or validated. I was unfulfilled and felt I should have been trusted with more responsibility cuz, well, my tenure had earned it. And I was angry because I was undervalued, overlooked and always misunderstood.
(Turns out, these are all excuses. These all came from a place of ego-protection. These came from wishes that someone else was different, from making someone else the issue, from forcing responsibility onto someone else because there was just no way I was the problem. But, in reality, I was….and unable to be honest with myself that I was a significant part of the problem. I was blaming the uncontrollables for my displeasure.)
The next morning came along and while I was getting settled at work, resignation letter in my hand, I asked myself a pivotal question, ‘Do you love the work more than you hate the job? Are you ready to walk away?’
My answer: ‘No. I’m not ready to walk away. And I love the work more than I hate the job.’
My next question: ‘So……if you’re gonna stay and you can’t change your boss, how they lead, how they live their life, what is gonna change?’
My answer: ‘Me. I guess I do. It’s time for me to look in the mirror.’
The moral of this short story: over the course of the next couple of months after that defining moment (resignation letter still in an envelope in my bag), I consistently, despite its dreadful discomfort, went into every…YES EVERY…situation first asking myself what *I* could do to take personal responsibility and second, what *I* could learn.
Lo and behold, my happiness factor dramatically changed. Plenty of things didn’t change and believe me, there were still some significant issues that I needn’t take responsibility for, but, I learned how much influence I had on my experience by keeping my ego in check. I learned how much power I had on my experience by focusing on what I could control versus what I couldn’t. I learned how much weight I had on my experience by writing my narrative accurately…. And in doing so, I learned the significant difference between excuses and explanations. That OG letter had quickly become irrelevant and many, many years down the road when I did resign, all of the words and the sentences I strung together were nothing like it.
Fast forward to today and EVERY BIT OF THIS LESSON has shown its value and significance since. It has shown me how relationships can be preserved and beneficial, how battles can be discerned and constructive, how communication can be mutual and honoring. How life can be purposefully challenging. . . how cancer can be both tragic and exceptionally transformative. No doubt, I am not perfect at this. I continue to wrestle with my own ego, my human tendencies toward excuses, my sometimes inaccurate narratives, but despite those things, I intentionally keep it front and center, working diligently to go into every situation continually asking myself those two questions – ‘What can I take responsibility for’ and ‘What can I learn’. They have been so profound in my life; they are powerful, repeatable and always advantageous, and truthfully, I can’t think of any experience I’ve had where that hasn’t been 100% true. Try it. It will help you live more out of intention and less out of excuse.
One final thought. Be mindful and very careful not to hold double standards. Either way. Don’t expect from others what you are unwilling to do yourself but also, don’t sell yourself short. When you put in the effort and do the work and those you interact with in life don’t, in every way that is feasible, don’t settle for a relationship with them.
It’s been a grand March, friends. See ya next month. 😉