Oof, I struggled with inspiration yesterday big time. I try and blog on the same day each week and each time I opened my computer yesterday, I was blank….a whole lotta nuthin’. So, I allowed myself to just be. But, I will be fully and completely honest that I didn’t like it. I had the most exhausting brain conversations… WRITE, dang it, write! How can you not have something in your head? You always have something in your head! You can’t seem to come up with anything…I wonder if you’re depressed? You seem lethargic about everything, uh oh. Who are you if you don’t have something to write about? It often comes so easy to you so why is it so hard today? Oh man, identity…that’s a big deal. Um…are we ok? …And then I had to remind myself that it was absolutely ok if I simply acknowledged that it was a blank day. That it doesn’t always feel or look like that. That I could just be and let my own pressure on myself go. Because…cancer teaches me things. And this has been a big one. I was productive in other ways. And yes, I’d be lying if I said I don’t think I’m wrestling with some depression and some big emotions and even BIGGER identity questions. But…that is being human.
So with that, I had a thought…. (funny how simply living authentically is all the inspiration I need, no additional pressure required…that and talking with my momma about life) …I talk a lot about the both+and, right? Well, this experience in particular brought a new layer with it.
Whenever I’ve talked about it, I am pretty certain that I’ve spoken in a way that has made the “both” and the “and” a simultaneous thing. And I stand by that…it’s “ideal” when they are. There is health in the simultaneous acknowledgement of the 💩 along with the benefit/purpose/gratitude in said 💩. Yet, it also doesn’t have to be and sometimes it can’t be. (HA…look at that, this new layer is a both+and in and of itself.) Sometimes we can’t name the “+and” until days, months or years later. Sometimes the 💩 needs to just stand alone and be 💩-y for a time.
Consider – grief and joy. Crisis and recovery. Wrath and peace. Confusion and purpose. Pain and restoration. Fear and gratitude. In grief, crisis, wrath, confusion, pain, fear, the immediacy of those things are life-halting and life-consuming and life-altering. I mean, take a sec and think about a time where you experienced any one of those…I imagine the story is significant. And I imagine the joy, recovery, peace, purpose, restoration and gratitude didn’t always come right at the same time.
There is such redemption in understanding the value of both+and and learning to acknowledge it in life. But here’s the kicker – being able to call it out in the middle of the 💩 and trusting that you’ll be able to call it out at some point down the line both hold the same value. So, it is with that that the grace of the both+and gets a whole new layer. Believe that grief and joy, crisis and recovery, wrath and peace, confusion and purpose, pain and restoration, fear and gratitude can coexist, even if it takes time to get there. Validate both because each have deep value, each have deep significance, each are transformative… each separately and “both+anded.”
“Consider – grief and joy. Crisis and recovery. Wrath and peace. Confusion and purpose. Pain and restoration. Fear and gratitude. In grief, crisis, wrath, confusion, pain, fear, the immediacy of those things are life-halting and life-consuming and life-altering. I mean, take a sec and think about a time where you experienced any one of those…I imagine the story is significant.”
Dear Amber,
Somehow, I never felt vacant in my mind—being a compulsive extrovert , I seek people and situations where I may be useful—and then get entangled and drawn into webs of relationships—keeping me busy—forgetting my own relatively simpler problems ! Taking a hint from your above purposeful words, I wish to share with you some of the stories—which are really incredible. I do not agree with you for your remark that my own past life story is “incredible”—there is no effort from my side- it was only due to the conditions, circumstances prevailing at that period- – not only for me but for most of my contemporaries.
The stories / instances I am now going to narrate are those that defied the constraints and stood unblemished and “significant”. I only hope you will have time , patience and energy to read them. I wish to share them with you as I have very high regard for your comments and learn a lot from you. To reduce your fatigue, I will unveil one at a time !
1. Being fully normal after my surgery for kidney cancer in 2006,I was wondering how to serve cancer patients. In 2012 December I walked into the Social Work Dept [SWD] of the largest Cancer Hospital in this part of India and offered to give small donations to deserving patients. The Head of SWD used to lead me to the patient’s room and introduce .After talking with them, I used to offer a donation[ 100 to 200$ ] to a patient through SWD . I used to visit every month, at least once, religiously . I was satisfied with my “service”. Only after a few visits, I have realized that even though they badly want monetary help, what they really need is different. This I learned, shockingly, when I magnanimously offered a donation to an young woman [low-income] undergoing costly AML bone-marrow transplant . She replied: ” Sir, don’t bother for donating– just arrange to shift me to a room in the Hospital, from where I can watch the sky- sun, moon and stars ! ”
I do not have any formal qualification of Social Work studies to be a counsellor. I decided to share my experiences as patient and give them hope and relief in addition to the donations. The Head SWD, Chief Executive of the Hospital and other Managers approved my service. I am continuing my contact with patients, their family supporters, Doctors and SWD since the 9 years through personal monthly visits till February 2020—when I had to stop due to COVID restrictions.
Just 2 interesting cases:
I received a call from SWD once, to counsel a patient who was refusing any treatment or even nutrition. He was in his early forties, working in Middle-East countries as a heavy-duty Truck driver since over 20 years . He was diagnosed with early stages of lung-cancer due to which he had to leave his job and return to his home in India. He was totally depressed and frustrated as he lost his job and had to feed his large family. His family members , SWD and Doctors could not convince him as he felt that even if cured , he cannot take up Driver job , his only livelihood. Being a Mechanical Engineer, when I met him, I discussed with him the details of his duties as driver. I told him that other than being a Driver, he can get good job as an Automobile Mechanic and guide online other travellers when they get any technical problems/ troubles with their vehicles on the way. As he has vast experience , he can easily land in such job. I also suggested him to get training in maintenance of automobiles and some good resources for this. Fortunately, after two sessions with me, he accepted my advice and restarted his treatment, to the great relief of his family and Hospital staff ! As I do not have any regular theoretical knowledge of Social Work Degree Syllabus or subjects, I always used the path which directly relates to the life-goals of the patient.
More in my next Blog,
Blessings,
Ramana
Thank you for your comments and stories. They are very interesting 🙂
Dear Amber,
Wish you all Very Happy and Healthy 2022 !
During the New Year, I am sharing the incredible story of a courageous living leukaemia cancer survivor, briefly . This is how I came to know of this :
While browsing the internet for voluntary cancer support organisations in India, I came across one who is doing service to cancer affected children and their parents. They have published a very useful booklet of guidelines in English outlining various aspects of the disease, diagnosis, treatment, precautions etc with the collaboration of the most famous cancer Hospital in India, the TATA memorial Cancer Hospital in Mumbai. After receiving a copy of the book, I volunteered to translate it into my mother tongue, Telugu, as there are huge number of Telugu parents of cancer affected children, who cannot understand English. The local representative of the organisation Mrs.S contacted me to work out the details. After knowing my background, she requested me to translate her own life-story as cancer- survivor, which was scripted in Telugu by a famous Telugu Novelist.
A roller-coaster ride of a spirited woman –through extremities of delight & despair, hope & distress, family support & facing death, trauma & courage, final victory – during her battle with leukaemia [ Blood-cancer].
Caution: Rattling, heartbreaking and inspiring. Real life story, recommended for readers with strong hearts.
Born in 1976 in India, Mrs.S. had a very happy childhood. Very pretty and healthy girl, beauty conscious, fun-loving , enjoying functions and parties, loved by parents and envied by relatives. Her parents arranged her marriage at an early age of 18, as per their family tradition, celebrated with pomp and joy. She got to know her husband only after marriage—he and his family treated her with lots of love and care. She is blessed with a baby girl at the age of 20, to the great delight of the entire family. She was spending most of her time with the baby joyfully as a doting mom.
Her blissful life started taking a down-turn within an year as she started feeling changes in her body—frequent bouts of weakness, fatigue, loss of weight and disinterestedness in attending functions, which she enjoyed earlier. After neglecting it for a few months, her husband and parents, noticing the change, forced her to consult their Doctor. Shockingly, the blood and other test results confirmed leukaemia, blood- cancer, in an advanced stage. On the suggestion of their Doctor, the family decided to take her to USA for treatment , even though she is not willing to go, leaving her baby in India.
Various medical procedures and treatments during 1996 and 1997 , caused her acute suffering , physical and mental, with no noticeable relief from the disease. She was given bone-marrow transplant as a last resort—still not finding any immediate relief, becoming a wreck, she even contemplated refusing treatment preferring suicide !
At that stage she had the blessing counselling by a kind Evangelist whose words gave her strength to fight and live for the sake of her baby. Improvements started slowly with medicines and with her courageous attitude. After nearly 3 years, she almost became normal.
To keep her mentally busy and physically active, her husband trained her and offered a position of Executive in his software business. She learned fast and with her daughter going to school, concentrated on the business, achieving good results soon.
As she missed spending time with her infant due to the disease, she and her husband wanted a second baby . She got pregnant providing great joy for all the family members. But after a few months, their family Doctor, monitoring her condition, warned that the delivery of the child could cause serious problems to the mother , even her life. To the great disappointment of all and intense mental turmoil, to save her life, abortion of the embryo was carried out.
It again caused severe setback in the life of Mrs. S , but with lot of determination and devotion to her daughter and the business tasks entrusted to her, she could recover slowly. She visited many religious shrines in India ,and Japan , acquiring mental strength through faith. Now she is a successful business Executive and also a very active social worker, supporting families of cancer affected children.
Mr.S. is a living example of a winner in the battle over leukaemia , which provides inspiration to all.
I felt fortunate to know Mr.S. Hope you will find time to read it and react- I have abridged the full story for your convenience.
Blessings,
Ramana
The above Story of Ms. S[ living survivor] is my abridged English translation of her original Telugu language.
Ramana