The Foreshadowed Befalls
The stinging behind my eyes, intense. The burning in my nose, telling.
My body’s foreshadowing is now my heart’s befalling.
It can take mere seconds or sometimes it takes hours, but the grief comes…
What is known by my primitive is now felt wholly in my entirety.
What I grieve, I don’t even know. I can’t explain. I can’t define. I can’t equate.
I can’t pronounce words that don’t exist.
My life is lived in no-man’s land, even among the 100’s of other survivors here…
Even if for the bit I get to walk with another, soon our paths diverge and alone I am, again.
How do I know what to expect when no precedent paves the way?
The model of wellness absent because in my world everything is relative to things unreal.
Days spent on a tight rope with no net below; precarious, perilous…
I like *who* I am but I do not like *what* I am and I haven’t a clue *where* I am.
The cost of living astronomically beyond any value, a value no one told me to save up for.
Mastectomy. Hysterectomy. Oophorectomy. A full, complete, total Me-ectomy. Precious things taken, disabling any salvage of what was…
……Broke. Empty. Ruined.
Yet, the stipend of surviving vastly beyond any value, a value matchless and ethereal.
Grati-plasty. Gracei-plasty. Intenti-plasty. A full, complete, total Me-plasty. Priceless things grafted, mending the damage of what used to be…
……Rich. Abundant. Purposed.
The copious both+ands here are filled with both fervent grace and desperate pain.
Thus creating quite the confusion, one that cuts deeper than any -ectomy or -plasty ever could, the scars both obvious and obscured…
……Who. What. Where. How. Why.
^^ALL of THIS^^ is deeper than the human soul *should* ever have to know.
Still, here I am – BOTH in despairing perplexity AND in treasured presence…
…….And still, here I am – 5 minutes and 5 minutes more and 5 minutes more until the relief of heaven comes for me.
#thursdaythoughts #thursdayblog #cancerteachesmethings #cancer #breastcancer #lifecoach #poetry #badlands
Dear Amber,
Another typhoon of expressive terms- [beautifully+painfully] woven:.
Literary classics, emotional hot-springs : To be framed and kept with clear view from any angle, for a cancer survivor.
“Yet, the stipend of surviving vastly beyond any value, a value matchless and ethereal”
“And still, here I am – 5 minutes and 5 minutes more and 5 minutes more until the relief of heaven comes for me.”
In my earlier comment, I have mentioned about my relative, a cultured, enlightened lady [75], diagnosed with lung cancer 9 months back. We shared interesting exchange of thoughts, hobbies, literary notes and purpose of living– all online.
She was never bothered about her disease- did not want any counselling, didn’t confide her trauma with others—I am an exception. Only in the last 6 weeks ,she complained of the pain and breathing problems as lots of fluid was getting accumulated around her lungs. Her last phone to me was on 18th October- had difficulty in speaking. I got message that she expired on 25th October. It was a short interaction- but has lasting effect on me. The only plus point is that she enjoyed full life till 75 and did not struggle in ICUs too long—
“Relief of heaven came to her quite fast”
Ramana Rao
India
Thank you Ramana. And I am both grateful that your relative is now in the relief of heaven and I am sorry that her time here on earth is over. I’m glad she found you a safe place to be authentic and that it will have lasting impact on you. I love relationships like that…
As always I so appreciate your thoughts and comments. Friends from across the globe 🙂
It’s a lot for me to take in – sounds sad scary – I worry about my sweet Dtr & those whose stories I read- I want to learn more about you Amber – so will read on – thank you for sharing
💛it’s a road I wish no one had to travel, yet worth every stupid-hard step because nothing is wasted. 💛