Do you know someone who’s been diagnosed with breast cancer? The likelihood (based solely on horrifying statistics) is that yes, you do. From the patient perspective, here is a list of very practical things you can do to help, show them support, encourage them and ensure they do not experience the wretchedness of this story alone.

I’ve been posting these all week on my social network pages and feeds, but I thought it would be advantageous to consolidate it all into one place. I hope you find this helpful.

As a fellow cancer patient and survivor, you can maybe send this along to those in your life and add some of your own specific requests.
As a caregiver, maybe you can connect with your person and see if these things would be helpful and tweak the list to match their needs.
For the more distant friends or acquaintances, you, too, can maybe glean some impactful ways to support and love from whatever context of relationship you come from.

Ultimately, my intention is that this is a great starting point as you companion others in their stories. 

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How To Help :: Cancer Diagnosis

Practically speaking from the breast cancer patient perspective, here’s how to help someone who is experiencing a cancer diagnosis. During this time, they are drowning in unknowns as they await answers and prepare for their treatment plans. Often, they have so many appointments (all new and all scary) and, if anything like me, don’t know which end is up… SO:

Texts

Here is the most important part — be sure to add, “…no need to respond!” Don’t assume you’re a bother and don’t expect responses. I had one friend in particular that constantly texted me but always added that phrase. I LOVED getting texts randomly but was grateful that a response was never expected.

Food Trains

Depending on your proximity to the patient, make sure you or someone else is either doing or planning to do a food train of some sort for when surgeries or treatments begin. Here is a hint: a homemade meal is nice, yes, but honestly, gift cards to nearby restaurants and grocery stores are even more ideal. Here’s why: The family may struggle with diet restrictions or picky eaters (and now is not the time to judge a picky eater…) so a gift card can be really helpful so that everyone can find something to eat without adding stress or guilt to the caregiving team…not to mention, the patient may or may not have an appetite but often can find *something* they like from a local favorite.

Prayer Chains

A friend of mine reached out via email and social media asking people to sign up for a day (similar to food trains). On the day someone was signed up for, they would be charged with praying for me, reaching out to me to let me know and ask what specifics they could be praying for. I loved this and found it very comforting as I was daily navigating new and scary unknowns. I felt so loved and was covered all throughout my surgery dates and treatment dates for months.
**You can modify this idea no matter the spirituality of the patient. You can still have people take a specific day to have that patient on their mind.**

Time and Presence

Offer your time, your company and your car (even if they have live-in caregivers!) Rides to and from appointments, grocery picks-ups, library drop-offs or pick-ups, etc. can be such a relief for everyone in the home.

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How To Help :: Cancer Treatment

Practically speaking from the breast cancer patient perspective, here’s how to help someone who is experiencing cancer treatment. During this time, they are feeling a wide range of awful, wouldn’t-wish-on-your-worst-enemy physical side effects, some that come out of nowhere, some that are predictable and dreaded, some that even surprise the doctors. Add on the massive confusion of *choosing* to show up just to have this poison pumped into their body while they cross their fingers (without ANY guarantee) that it prolongs their life……which at the moment feels like death….. Quite the wicked conundrum. SO:

Your Time

Just like I mentioned yesterday – texts, rides, errands, prayers…. These little moments of your day make a HUGE difference in ours.

Random Care Packages

Oh, how these can be SUCH a blessing! They don’t have to be fancy. They don’t have to be expensive. They don’t have to be big. 

First:

Think of your favorite things and from that list, pick one thing to get for them. Then tell them why it’s one of your favorites. This way they get a personal touch and get to know you a bit, too! And PS – it doesn’t need to be cancer related AT ALL!! That’s the best part! 

Next:

Gift cards!! These are the.most.practical.gift.ever. It avoids clutter for the patient, and it keeps you from having to ask or guess! The best gift cards to give: Amazon, local grocery store, Target, Wal-Mart, Music streaming services, TV/Movie streaming services. 

Also:

Some very practical items that never go out of style: Chapstick. Essential oils. Soft socks. Gum, mints and hard candies. Water flavor packets. Crosswords, word searches and other variety puzzle books. 

BONUS:

And one more little bonus for ya: Have you ever heard of ZOX? 

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How To Help :: Grief & Loss Support

Practically speaking from the breast cancer patient perspective, here’s how to help someone who is experiencing the immense grief and loss in their cancer experience (or really, loss of ANY kind):

Add value to that which is lost, do not subtract value from it.

(I wrote this particular post on the anniversary of the day my head was shaved…October 24th. I was in the midst of horrid Chemo Round One and was days away from what would turn out to be an even more horrid Chemo Round Two. I was devastated that cancer was taking everything from me. I felt as if it was stripping me of everything Me and everything feminine. And as much as people tried to console me by saying, “It’s just hair” or “You know it’ll grow back, right?,” in my deepest grief, these truths DID NOT land…and as a matter of fact, they intensified my grief.)

I get why people downplay the hard stuff in another person’s life. In doing so, 1. they try to take the sting out of that hard thing for the person in the hard thing, seeking rescue for the person they love because they know how much they are hurting. And it can also be that 2. They, themselves, seek rescue from the hard thing because it is hurting them, too.

Yet, as soon as we downplay or seek rescue from, we end up minimizing and invalidating the human experience of loss. 

Here’s the kicker – If we avoid processing the loss, we avoid processing the purpose. . .not only the purpose in the loss itself and the purpose of whatever it was before we lost it, but also the purpose in what now can be found.

So, I’ll say it again: To actually help someone who is experiencing loss of ANY kind, add value to that which is lost, do not subtract value from it.

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How To Help :: Breast Cancer Surgeries

Practically speaking from the breast cancer patient perspective, here’s how to help someone who is preparing for and recovering from breast cancer surgeries. During this time, the pain of it all is felt in the totality of the person. Physically obviously, but also emotionally, psychologically, socially, spiritually, financially… SO:

Care Package Essentials

A lanyard, a pack of big safety pins, a small waist-tied apron, open front shirts, a nice lightweight open front robe, slippers and/or soft socks with grippy soles, a back scrubber, a gripper to reach for high stuff, things to help occupy their time and of course, those amazing gift cards!

A Few Bigger Items

You could lend or help finance these bigger, more expensive items: A recliner (I slept in mine for almost a year straight), a shower chair (vitally necessary), and a foot bath complete with Epsom salts, essential oils and soft towels (a lovely little perk).

The Intangibles

Meals, rides, errands, visits and texts are always a sure thing when it comes to helpful things. And not just for the patient! The caregivers could benefit hugely from these things, too!

Most Important

My biggest request and suggestion: It’s not a ‘boob job’ and a ‘tummy tuck’ so please  *p*l*e*a*s*e*  don’t tell them you’re jealous of them for getting these things.

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How To Help :: Surviving

Practically speaking from the breast cancer patient perspective, here’s how to help someone who is in Survivorship. During this time, let’s just say it’s confusing as all heck. You guys definitely hear me talk (or read) a lot about how weird it is here. This funky both+and of feeling stuck & lost, yet also having a newfound gratitude & purpose… This wacky existence where everything is upside-down… This strange place where some days feel crowded and others feel ghost-town-lonely…

When we think of cancer, we get certain pictures in our heads. The cancer patient, bald and pallid. The flexed arm of ‘you can do this.’ The colored ribbons of solidarity plastered everywhere. But we don’t often have a very accurate picture of the survivor. But, that’s okay ‘cuz I’m here to offer some assistance. SO:

Long-Term Support

Ask them what their significant dates are within their cancer story; dates that have celebratory significance, dates that hold difficult memories, dates that they may need a little extra encouragement and a pep-talk or dates that they’d really appreciate someone noticing their efforts to survive. Note those dates in your calendar (and be sure to turn notifications on for ‘yearly without an end date’) and then on those days, do a little something extra for them. Pray for them, text them, send them a card, deliver flowers… It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, just simple and thoughtful.

By doing this,
It honors the significance of that day and their memories.
It keeps them on your mind from time to time throughout the year.
It encourages them and makes them feel SEEN *long-term* without having to bring your world to a halt.
It helps deepen relationships making life feel less lonely on *all* sides.

A Couple Bonus Ideas

Eyelash growth serum is a gift I was getting for several months after my treatment ended. I had a friend just randomly ship it to me from time to time and WHOA does that stuff work!! It was (and still isn’t) something I can justify buying for myself but when chemo destroys every last bit of femininity, it’s amazing how small little hairs on eyes can help reclaim it in big ways. Maybe there are those little things for someone you know? Something to help them as they redefine who they are?

Gift cards are always a little treat. A little random lunch date out with our people or a little something to splurge with is so uplifting. To be very specific, a gift card to a local salon is massively helpful, cuz, well, chemo curls?!!

Memorialization help. Maybe your person would like to have a photo collage or a memory book or a wall hanging, a t-shirt or jewelry or even possibly a tattoo. These things can be expensive and with all of the medical bills (that won’t end any time soon), helping finance these options could be such a thoughtful way to encourage and support them!

The Reality

It seems cheesy to say, but don’t forget about us even though we’re not in active treatment, we have our hair back, and we look “all better” on the outside. Chances are, we’re not “all better” and are struggling to put form and sense to the vapor we exist in. Not to mention that relationships have a whole new significance to us now that we’ve talked to death and all, so doing these things can help in ways that…..and trust me when I say this…..have *incredible* impact.

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ABOVE ALL ELSE

If there is anything you take from this post (sorry for it’s length!), my request would be that you realize that your INTENTIONAL, GENUINE, EMPATHETIC PRESENCE is the one thing that is consistent in each of these lists. *Things* are always an added perk…*YOU* are what’s most desired.

I hope all of this is helpful for you. Thank you to all of those in my story that show up in incredible ways. 

#cancerteachesmethings #thisisbreastcancer #cancer #breastcancer #breastcancerawareness #lifecoach #survivorshipcoach #thisissurvivorship #patientexperience #thursdaythoughts #thursdayblog

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