- A SERIES: #ThisIsSurvivorship
- From the Desk Of a Cancer Surviving Life Coach
- How to Help A Cancer Patient
Cancer, Companionship, Capacity, Purpose, Passion, Existence, Earth, Heaven, Time
I’m gonna write about a topic today that most are very uncomfortable with…but I’m hoping to do two things:
1. Communicate the cancer #patientperspective for perspective’s sake and
2. Engage you, my reader, to consider #yourperspective about purpose and meaning.
So, the topic: Death: No longer a ‘what-if’. . .
(But don’t go anywhere, yet!!) 🥴
I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, generally we tend to deny our mortality. We work to busy our lives so that death is furthest from our minds. We envision death as this thief that comes and steals life out of our lungs so we protect our existence, setting the alarms and locking the doors. We hold death in contempt, angry at its presence. We fear its arrival by doing everything we can to avoid it. I am absolutely not shaming our wrestle with death, instead I’m blatantly calling it what it is. I like living on this side of heaven. I love my people and who is woven into my story. There is much that keeps me *here* and wishful that *there* is a long way off even IN my compromised, painful, cancer-infused existence! Relatable?? I’m guessing, yes.
So then, it’s a surreal experience to go from living in such a way where life appears endless (because that is how I chose to see it) to living while coexisting with death. My diagnosis shortened my life. Yes, in a literal sense, it has and will have a direct impact on my overall life span but what’s more is how now, because I have had a conversation with death, looking it in the eye, smelling its breath, sensing its nearness, seeing the wrinkles in its face, I live short. I am unable to look too far ahead. I am incapable of pretending that death can’t touch me. I no longer see life as endless and heaven only in my dreams. This all sounds so ethereal, though, amiright?! What does this actually look like?
Well. It’s a both+and for sure.
On the one hand, I am profoundly grateful for each second (because the next isn’t guaranteed). On the other, I feel stuck by getting only a view of this second (so I can’t effectively dream or set future goals).
One on hand, I am motivated by love and grace and peace (because if this is my last second here, THAT is what I want to have in my heart). On the other, I am guilty of holding very fuzzy boundaries and lines (which some would say makes me a push-over).
On one hand, I am prioritizing my now compromised capacity for the things that really matter (because my energy has to be so intentionally allocated). On the other, I daily fail because I cannot do all that I need or should be doing (and letting people down is a hard reality to stomach).
On one hand, I invest so deeply, intentionally valuing vitally important things (because *now* is the time). On the other, I remain on the surface unable to invest in other important things as they just can’t take up precious capacity (therefore, I have to daily give up on things that matter).
On one hand, time feels slow and profound and deliberate (because I live in such small increments). On the other, time feels ambiguous as any second could be my last (so what does it all matter for anyways?).
On one hand, I feel like I exist in a whole new amazing world (because Life, Death and I are all companions and I see everything differently). On the other, I gotta figure out how to merge these two worlds (and that is astoundingly hard when – 1. I can’t and 2. I don’t want to).
Cancer, Life, Death, Companionship, Capacity, Purpose, Passion, Existence, Earth, Heaven, Time…………It’s both all so clarifying and all so confusing. I live both in this crystal-clear vision and in the blurriest picture. I live in my 5 minutes both easily trusting and struggling to trust that I am right where I am and that it is right where I should be. So, it is in all of these both+ands that I simply show up and do my best. Be still. And know. He is God. I am not alone. My eternity is secure. While *here* and when I’m *there.*
I wonder if others exist *here* too?
#thursdaythoughts #thursdayblog #cancerteachesmethings #thisisbreastcancer #cancer #breastcancer #pinktober #lifecoach #survivorshipcoach #thisissurvivorship #patientexperience #death
Powerful. I think it is for me as well but not in the sense as you. In my world, the thought of death was far away and never gave it a thought but when my children and I lost their dad at the prime of his adulthood, it forever changed my perceptions of death. It was no longer something I didn’t think of. But after his death it was living day to day not daring to think of the future. It paralyzed me and this with other personal events, I found myself at the door of a therapist to help me as I was full of anxiety. It helped to speak to someone who was not connected to me emotionally. I do have anxiety but I have learned to ask myself why and work through it. You have my upmost respect and your writing is thought provoking. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Amber,
In Hindu Culture, we believe that Saraswati , the Goddess of learning, blesses a few with extraordinary talent to communicate—through prose, poetry, writing or speech. We have many examples of such eminent literary persons in our history like “KALIDAS”, a few centuries back. I honestly feel that the Goddess has endowed you in the present time with such talent.
Your words have an extraordinary power to influence the reader—hitting the right target with the right ammunition. Every cancer survivor goes through these moments, emotions and trauma—but can never express them so naturally and clearly– so, hides them within the heart . By reading your words, the reader gets lots of relief, as his
pent-up emotions get released. I can’t express the feeling better, as I am not Amber.
The experiences with cancer survivors leaves strong scars on our outlook of life.
It was 5 years back I was introduced to a very active boy , eleven-years old Devender , during my monthly visits to the Paediatric Ward of the Cancer Hospital, where I am a Volunteer. He was very bright- unlike other children reading and watching Comics , he was keen reading books. During my chat , he informed that he is deeply interested in Geography — new countries, people, life-styles , habits etc. His ambition was to tour many countries in different parts of the World ! I have sent him a copy of World Handbook- a collection of features of different countries . During my next visit, I found him very happy- he said he read it many times- when I asked him a few questions like “ Capitals of a few countries in Europe” or “ languages spoken in Africa”, he answered me correctly. His father informed me that he is the top ranker in his class.
The Oncologist treating him informed me that the boy is an ALL ( Leukemia ) patient,at an advanced stage and they are trying their best through periodic treatments . I have collected Stamps and Coins of different countries during my travels abroad and through my contact with similar collectors in Europe. I have made a nice box with transparent top cover in which I have fixed coins from different countries, with a written note about them and presented it to the boy. I could not imagine the happiness in the eyes of the boy, even though physically weak ! I helped his not-so-rich father to provide special nutrition through my donations periodically and was watching his progress. He was discharged from further treatment as he recovered. He was back to school.
After 2 years, I was very gently given the news that the boy developed sudden complications, admitted into ICU of the Hospital – succumbed within 12 hours.
This gave me big shock- can’t describe in words- my only consolation is that I was able to give him some happiness during his shortened life.
As sensitive human beings, it is impossible not to be affected by Cancer—either to us or to the persons we know.
Your Blog “Cancer, Life, Death, Companionship, Capacity, Purpose, Passion, Existence, Earth, Heaven, Time” represents all the above experiences I had very aptly.
Thanks Amber !
Ramana Rao
India
What a story!! Thank you for sharing how this young boy impacted you. I think you speak of something vitally important…we can CHOOSE to connect with others but in that choice is a personal vulnerability.
Sometimes it’s important that we remain separated and detached from others, keeping our interactions surface level and “un”emotional. And then there are times it’s important to willingly connect despite the possible grief that may come with such a connection. Both require wisdom, both offer relevant feedback, both provide purpose.
I’m sad with you that this young boy passed and I also celebrate with you the impact you each had because of the other.
As always, thank you Ramana!
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts about Uncle Baub and how his death forever changed you all. I’m grateful for the memories I have of him. 💛
Love you.