This. This is Trauma Survived.

Posted on September 21, 2021 By AmberNichole5 Comments

Stormy. Malevolent clouds loom, threatening devour.
Fragile. Cracked glass on the verge of shatter.
Sharp. A porcupine defense against attack.
Combative. Landmines active and set.
Restless. Electric zzap snapp pop.
This. 
This is trauma survived.
The triggers, known and unknown.
Lymbic. Primitive. Automatic. Instinctive.
Anxiety. Fear. Panic. Depression. Angst. Disquiet.
The (((noise))) in head and heart, clatter overwhelming.

Surviving something comes with complexities that simply cannot be prescribed. 

I had so many doc appointments to equip me for surgeries, to train me for chemo and to help me plan *to survive* but none of that actually prepared me *for surviving*. Of course, I don’t blame them because I’m not even sure what that would or should look like, but I sit *here* today triggered, anxious and a hot mess. (Figurative yes, but also literal – I’m on fire from the inside out, the heartburn out of control because I ate a friggen egg earlier…a long-term GI side effect of chemo to add to the loooooong list of all of my other long-term side effects of chemo). Surviving comes at a high cost, a permanently overdrawn account.

Surviving something comes with tensions that don’t often make any sense.

I sit in the muck of surviving grateful I’m here and fully acknowledging not everyone gets the gift of *here*. I recognize that and cling to it especially on the days that extra extra suck. I hold the both+ands of gratitude, grace, patience, grit, strength, transformation with pain, anguish, suffering, confusion, weariness, regret. I’m lonely amongst many on this weird planet. I express what it means to survive but often find people misunderstand, misinterpret and mistake my authenticity and assign misaligned motives. This causes a deep frustration that I’m not allowed to be honest because others can’t handle it. They struggle to empathize and instead reach for the low-hanging ‘at-leasts.’ They think I’m crazy because I don’t seek fake escape. Surviving doesn’t come with a delete button.

The process of calling it as it is however it is can be very therapeutic. No buts. No shoulds. No pretending. No platitudes. That’s the thing about authenticity – if it’s real, it holds great power.

#tuesdaythoughts #tuesdaytalk #tuesdayblog #cancer #blogger #newpost #thepurposedsailor #lifecoach #oncologycoach #cancerteachesmethings #authenticity

5 Thoughts on “This. This is Trauma Survived.”

  2. hope you will find time to respond to my comments sent earlier. Blessings , Amber !
    Ramana

  3. Repeating earl;er comments:Dear Amber,
    Thanks again for bringing me back to the real world ! My wife (77) often reminds me , that I communicate with others on the assumption that everybody enjoys the same physical and mental conditions and quality of life bestowed to me by God, after my metastatic Cancer. She feels that I have no business to advice others from this point of view, as patients have problems to different degrees. She is practical and often right, which I realize a little late !
    However, I am an incorrigible optimist and extrovert – I believe that life is short- having the temporary benefits of health and reasonable communication capability- it is my duty to give relief and hope to other patients- even for a small time, by narrating my cancer experiences.
    My interest is in learning new developments in Cancer Research, which I do by study, participating in WEBINARS regularly- often for long hours- again not to the liking of my wife- who wants me to rest more! I contribute Research Papers in this field—currently completing my paper” Life with Cancer for 15 years- Experiences of a living metastatic RCC patient”, to an International Medical Research Journal, with all the medical records to convince that my case is not fiction – in the Section “ Oncology Beyond Science “ ! I do all this ,as I know my life will not continue too long and I have to share my knowledge before I depart !
    I immensely enjoy contemplating on your writings—it gives me great relief – specially during these COVID days , when we are isolated from social contacts physically. Dear Amber, even though you are at such a long distance from me at USA, I feel you are like my daughter living in this same home in India – let us continue our journey.

    1. I’m so sorry for the delay in response! It’s nothing personal…just busy. I so love that you read and offer your perspective and what a very kind thing to say to me. Yes, let’s continue the journey. 🙂

Comments are closed.