I’m in a very both+and place today…
On the outside, things are pleasant. I’m in a new season of freedom and (sort-of) rest. I can feel a lightness in that which is lovely. I acknowledge feeling the instant relief of strained capacity having resigned and having incredible support from my people. I am so grateful.
On the inside, I have fiery heartburn, my stomach is nauseous and very upset, my head is pounding, my eyes won’t stop watering, my body, joints and bones ache terribly and my surgically altered chest is heavy. This is my reality every day. This is also my body remembering. I am so weary.
Both+And.
This day, 4 years ago, was wretched. It was the day before my bilateral mastectomy, it was surreal, it was scary, it was heavy. I knew just enough to be a hot mess but really didn’t know much at all. Yes cancer. Yes mastectomy. Yes forever changed. Yet, I didn’t know exact pathology. I didn’t know stage or grade. I didn’t know treatment plans. I didn’t even know if I’d survive surgery.
This day, 4 years ago, was also so very strange. I wasn’t *choosing* this, the disease *chose* it for me. On one hand, I urgently wanted the cancer off. In the same hand, though, I desperately didn’t want MY body parts CUT OFF to achieve that. My mind, elsewhere. My body, present. I wanted to crawl back into the safe, dark, secret place of denial and pretend it wasn’t my last day with my born-with flesh. I wanted to disappear and snap my fingers into alternate realities…anywhere but there. Anywhere. But the pain kept me locked in the moment. I wanted to hold my body close and never let go and yet I was livid with it for betraying me. I wanted to stare at myself in the mirror and take in all that was there because it was about to be gone but as soon as I did, I saw disease, and couldn’t handle it, covering it up fast and furious. I wanted to deeply love it, but I intensely loathed it. I wanted a trade-in but didn’t want to burden anyone with such brokenness. I needed out but wished to stay in.
I wanted a miracle. I wanted magic… frantic for anything but my reality.
I wanted rescue. I wanted escape… but not *this way*, not by way of amputation.
This day, 4 years ago, the grief hit hard knowing that in a short 24 hours, I’d wake up empty, hollow, without, scarred. I couldn’t see it as freedom then and this day, 4 years later, I still kind of don’t. Yes free of cancer’s cells. But no, not free of cancer’s claws.
Today, 4 years later, I am alive. And burdened. Grateful. And weary. My heart and soul holding the both+and’s while my body remembers the desperation and lives changed forever. #cancerteachesmethings
@thepurposedsailor @ambernichole79
#cancer #blogger #newpost #anniversary #thepurposedsailor #makeitmatter #TuesdayThoughts
Dear Amber.
I have been following your blogs since a few days. They are intensely gripping, extremely thought provoking ,creating a realistic scene before the mind’s eye, specially for a cancer patient like me, who is going through these phases, to different degrees.
Being much senior to you at 81, with a personal cancer experience of over 15 years and being a retired Professor , Dear Amber, I feel I have right to show you an out-of-box view.
Your writings are predominantly painful , depicting the pathos of a cancer patient. However, I feel there are many green and positive aspects in the black cancer scene. It is for us to identify, reflect and ponder over them . Having seen and counselled many patients at close quarters since over 8 years, I realised that God is not against the patient – He has a method of compensating the loss – through His own techniques.
To justify my statement, let me unfold my own cancer journey:
1. Even though I lost my right kidney due to cancer, God provided me the healthy left kidney, which is keeping me fully active and alive even at 81 now.
2. Before cancer in 2006 at the age of 66 , my financial position was quite delicate, with most of the savings spent on the education and marriage of my daughter, construction of house with loans and retirement from regular Professor job / salary. Cancer treatment expenses have added to this.
However, 2 years after surgery, an old house-plot which I purchased three decades back at a low price, suddenly became highly valuable , due to the development of the city. I could sell it for an unimaginable [ for me !] price, making my financial position very comfortable.
3. From the age of 18, I was suffering from chronic sinusitis [ cold], with regular bouts of sneezing, running nose etc. I tried all possible medical and naturopathic treatments but no relief, causing lot of discomfort, specially during my lectures as Professor. Within 3 years after cancer surgery, to my great astonishment and disbelief, this disease disappeared totally !
4. I was using spectacles for reading and writing for 20 years. After my cancer surgery, my eyesight improved, without even cataract operation- I do not need specs even for small print now at 81 !
5. I still have most of my original teeth intact, no inserts. I did not visit any dentist since over 7 years.
6. No diabetes, hyper tension , cardiac or even arthritis at 81,[ just as I was at 18 !]
7. This additional qualification of cancer to my Ph.D.[ Engineering], has given me great opportunity and scope for satisfaction , service,.as I am popular as counsellor, inspirational speaker and research contributor in this new field.
Dear Amber, I am sure there are many special blessings which God has bestowed you along with cancer- if only you discover them : For example :
Your extraordinary memory of past events, with all the graphic details intact, is a great blessing- not given to other patients !.
Your gift of recalling , describing and presenting them with such lucid style- touching the heart and soul of the readers !
Present more of full part of your half- filled glass and not only the half-empty !
May God Bless you always !
Ramana
Ramana. I appreciate your encouragement and very much appreciate your story and all that you have learned.
In my authenticity, there are days and posts that don’t come with the “make-everything-ok” positive opposites to the negative realities. I simply don’t cave to that need of others. That said, and to your exact point, I very often call out the “both+ands” and all that I am grateful for in the midst of the challenges and pains, losses and grief. That to me is different than the glass-half-full expression. I don’t have to pick either the half-full or the half-empty viewpoint. Rather, I choose to recognize both……when there is both to recognize. If I searched the word “grateful” or “gratitude” in all my hundreds and thousands of words, it would return hundreds and thousands of times. 🙂
Thank you for your engagement with my blog, your comments are always thoughtful and provoking.
🙂
posted already
Dear Amber,
Thanks again for bringing me back to the real world ! My wife (77) often reminds me , that I communicate with others on the assumption that everybody enjoys the same physical and mental conditions and quality of life bestowed to me by God, after my metastatic Cancer. She feels that I have no business to advice others from this point of view, as patients have problems to different degrees. She is practical and often right, which I realize a little late !
However, I am an incorrigible optimist and extrovert – I believe that life is short- having the temporary benefits of health and reasonable communication capability- it is my duty to give relief and hope to other patients- even for a small time, by narrating my cancer experiences.
My interest is in learning new developments in Cancer Research, which I do by study, participating in WEBINARS regularly- often for long hours- again not to the liking of my wife- who wants me to rest more! I contribute Research Papers in this field—currently completing my paper” Life with Cancer for 15 years- Experiences of a living metastatic RCC patient”, to an International Medical Research Journal, with all the medical records to convince that my case is not fiction – in the Section “ Oncology Beyond Science “ ! I do all this ,as I know my life will not continue too long and I have to share my knowledge before I depart !
I immensely enjoy contemplating on your writings—it gives me great relief – specially during these COVID days , when we are isolated from social contacts physically. Dear Amber, even though you are at such a long distance from me at USA, I feel you are like my daughter living in this same home in India – let us continue our journey.
Ramana