I want to talk more about empathy. Now, I’m playing my card early by telling you this (which may or may not be a smart move), but I’d challenge you to read on, especially if you found yourself rolling your eyes at the word.
“Not *this* again…” 
IMHO, the collective ‘we’ tend to avoid the buzz-y subjects when in fact, we should probably do the opposite and press in, deepening the conversations. So, that in mind, I’m gonna talk about empathy….again. But differently this time. Today, I’m going to talk about it from a very practical lens in hopes that ya’all stick around.

Before we go any further, it would be helpful if you got a visual in your head. Close your eyes and think about a time when you were around someone who was hurting. Maybe it was physical, emotional, spiritual…possibly relational or financial. It could have been when you weren’t necessarily also hurting or maybe it was. No matter the situation, please paint a metaphorical picture in your mind’s eye of the two of you.

What is that picture?

Now…

Ask yourself, “What words would I use to describe them?” In general, when we consider someone in our lives as hurting, we tend to describe them as ‘down’…their circumstances ‘bad,’ their abilities ‘less.’ This is normal but it is also problematic. It automatically places us higher than them in the subconscious. We’ve got it together while they are struggling. We are in one piece while they are broken into a million. It is typically from this place, then, that we try and empathetically connect with them (though we’ve made our job quite difficult now being on two different levels and all). That’s when empathy sounds like, “A least…” or when we go into solution-mode and give them all the answers that we don’t think they can come up with on their own because they’re just too compromised to see it. It can sound like story-topping because, well, we’ve been there and done that (or someone we know has) and of course we already know it’ll all be okay. 
This may sting a little, but if you’re willing to humble yourself and consider this feedback relevant, you will likely see what I mean. >>Practically speaking>> Empathy doesn’t start with us up and them down. Empathy isn’t pity. Empathy, rather, is leveling the playing field.

Return to your metaphorical picture. Or consider a different situation and see if your picture changes. 

Now…

Ask yourself, “When someone is sharing their experience with me, how do *I* feel? Do I project my emotion onto them or am I able to keep them separate? Is my heart open or protected? Or both? Do I try and find the right thing to say, or do I say that I don’t know what to say? Do I hold my breath? Or pick my nails? Or tap my foot? What is my typical *first* emotion and is it different than my *true* emotion? Am I able to name that *truer* emotion if it is? Am I able and willing to use my story without telling it?” Emotional intelligence is an integral part of empathy. And each of these questions help develop EQ. >>Practically speaking>> This is a good list of questions to write down and ask yourself again. And again. And while this is a lot of work, if you’re willing to put in the time and consider this feedback relevant, you will not only be a better friend, but you, too, will personally benefit from your efforts. 

Empathy isn’t a ‘thing you apply’ when someone is hurting. >>Practically speaking>> Empathy is always.

@thepurposedsailor

Empathy is one of those overused words but underutilized practices. People shy away from it because it feels “too hard” or “it’s not for me” or “I’m just not good at it” or “leave that for the counselors” but what a disservice we do for our own whole-person-wellness and for those we care about if we maintain these attitudes. As a counselor and life coach, yes, I’ve had countless opportunities to professionally practice, learn and grow in empathy. Also as a counselor and life coach, I accept the responsibility to keep practicing, learning and growing in it. But #cancerteachesmethings and as a cancer patient, I’ll be honest and say people (probably well intended?) generally do not do empathy well and I wish they’d try harder. 
Empathy isn’t a “thing that you apply” when someone is hurting. >>Practically speaking>> Empathy is always. It’s a posture of the heart. It’s a constant. It’s seeing others on the same level as you are no matter their circumstances or emotional expression. It’s allowing someone who is hurting to teach you something. It’s being mindful of the picture you paint when you’re not the artist. 

#tuesdaythoughts #tuesdaytalk #cancer #blogger #newpost #thepurposedsailor #lifecoach #oncologycoach #empathy