“I am not hopeless. I am not helpless. I am not worthless. But I am ‘less’ than I once was. This is a brutal truth that many don’t want to admit. Cancer is a vicious thief.”
@ThePurposedSailor
So often when I call out this truth, people struggle to let it simply be a truth that is uncomfortable so instead, they fill the void with all of their at-leasts. The at-leasts do hold truth and I receive them graciously, but sometimes return the favor. Graciously sit in the discomfort, leaving the at-leasts unsaid.
This Day in 2018:
What a Year, Huh?
We had a 2nd annual training at work today… Last year, I was the organizer and presenter, this year I was a participant. At the end of the training, my boss said to me (in reflection of having seen me in the presenter’s role last year and in light of all that this year has brought), “what a year, huh?!”
I think she gave words to why I’ve been in a total funk since the moment I woke up this morning. I didn’t know why I was in such rough shape as I was waking up, getting ready, making my breakfast and coffee, driving to Aurora, participating in the training… and then she chose those words. Yup. What a year.
I have continued to feel funky throughout the day…with those words ringing in my ear.
After the training, I went to the eye doctor…another appointment now allowed by my oncologist because whatever changes chemo treatments had made to my eyes would be stable enough to have a doctor’s assessment mean something. So, I sat in yet another chair, describing the last year to my eye doctor…writing on intake forms “history of cancer”…hoping for news that was bearable to hear…unsure of how to feel – Do I feel better because I’m at a stage in this cancer journey where things can return to a normal that occurred before cancer? Worse because cancer wrecks everything in its path and chemo doesn’t just kill cancer cells? Indifferent because life is life and it keeps going with or without a ‘history of cancer’? One of the many who have a ‘history of whatever’ so my story doesn’t really stand out? Guarded because people say dumb things and I never know what’s gonna come outta their mouths? Understanding because they don’t really know what to say? Desperate to be done with the pleasantries?
Odd places to sit. Strange feelings to feel.
Nonetheless, my eyes are not great but not ruined. Slightly different prescription because cancer negatively affected preexisting conditions. Possible prescription eye drops because chemo damages the gland that produces tears and can create long term issues if not fixed. More frequent visits to the eye doctor over the next 5 years while on Tamoxifen (the oral chemotherapy that I’ll be on every day for at least the next 5 years) because one of the side effects is damage to the retina. Lovely.
Once home, I crashed for a bit. I was so tired. Fried. Spent. Woken up by an intensely upset stomach and I don’t know if it’s acupuncture wearing off as Monday is another chemo treatment…or if it’s the emotions of the day upsetting my system…or if it’s the fact that I am on chemo meds that have GI upset as side effects… Ugh. So as I sit here, putting the pieces together of the day, still hearing those words, “what a year, huh?”, I looked at my calendar from last year:
July 20, 2017 I had called to make the appointment for my breast exam with my OBGYN for August 7th. So…it was on my mind. Every day. What is it…what will she say…is it nothing?…it’s not nothing…Is it still there?…Damn, it is… Getting ready in the mornings – knowing it was there…going through my days at work – knowing it was there…getting home and spending time with Chris and the girls – knowing it was there…preparing for this huge work training that I was in charge of organizing and presenting for – knowing it was there… Not knowing the hell that lay ahead, I sat in one of the hardest unknowns of my life and I still had to wake up, function, be present and participate in life. And run a huge meeting at work. In front of a large group of my colleagues. With this in the back of my head.
July 24, 2017 I had dinner with my half sister, her husband and baby, my biological father and his wife…all people I hadn’t seen in 17 years. The night before this huge meeting. A few nights after having to make this breast exam appointment. Sitting in a scary unknown while navigating an incredibly difficult emotional space with additional hard unknowns…
July 25, 2017 – The work training that I was in charge of…waking up, nervous about the day ahead…’yup, it’s still there’…Sitting in a scary unknown while having to be intensely vulnerable to feedback given about my presentation…
And, today, July 24, 2018, while at this training, a year from where I was, in a funk for reasons I hadn’t really put together yet, sitting with people who have walked in some very very dark places with me, I get a text from another friend who got the results back of her own pathology – benign. Praise God. Praise.God. What a year, indeed.
This Day in 2019:
Time. Move Slow.
My short week has caught up with me. It was serious heavy-lifting (figuratively, of course) to get to vacation time. And I’m feeling e.v.e.r.y. little. bit. of it. Not to mention I have traveler’s anxiety so I’m seriously funky tonight.
That said, I am immensely grateful for the time and space away from it all. I get to clear my head, enjoy my family and make sweet memories.
Time move slow. Please.
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